Pregnant but my husband is bored

[Onaloop]

Im 7 months pregnant after a stillbirth last year. I live abroad with my husband and due to covid and being pregnant alot we havent seen our families in almost 2 years. We moved here because of my husband's job. Its been a really tough year after losing the baby and then almost immediately going into a hard lockdown for 10 months so its been a bit intense just me and my husband. I got pregnant during that time and so carried on being careful once the restrictions lifted as I wasn't vaccinated (as they weren't giving it to pregnant women here but I am partially vaccinated now). I've barely met anyone here due to the restrictions and nothing really happening (no groups to visit or events to go to). I work remotely so no local colleagues. now I am absolutely knackered I have terrible sciatica and I can barely walk - im trying all sorts of different treatments but nothing is really working, I get exhausted just walking to the supermarket, I sleep badly and have to nap in the day.

My husband has had a difficult time at work, they've messed him around regarding his contract, promised things then gone back on what they said and eventually made him reapply for his job but added more responsibility and he is now exhausted and burnt out and has been signed off for a few weeks.

The issue is he keeps telling me how bored he is with our life, how every day is the same. He used to nag at me to go and meet new people but Iit was hard with the restrictions and nothing happening. Now i can barely walk around the corner and I'm so tired, the thought of meeting new people is exhausting to me at the moment. Im also trying to get the flat ready for when the baby arrives but he can't stand being at home and pretty much every day he pressures me to go out and do something, which is exhausting and I then have no time or energy to do the housework or prepare for the baby. He thinks anything at home is boring, including getting stuff ready for the baby.

I know he's depressed nd that the lockdowns and not really seeing anyone else has been hard but we have been doing some things- day trips, camping, going for walks etc, just not much with other people. he's seeing a counsellor but he refuses to do anything outside of the sessions to help himself. I'm very aware that when the baby arrives we won't be going out as much as we are now and I'm afraid he will react badly to that and he'll get more depressed.

Im digging my heels in now a bit because everything hurts and I feel like I need to rest and just have some time at home to tidy up and have a clean around, and he just went to bed in a sulk saying 'every day is the same' I don't know if I am bring unreasonable and whether I should be helping him more and not digging my heels in but I also feel I need to prioritise my health at the moment but I don't know how to help him. Its been like this for several months now.

He needs to make life more interesting for himself rather than trying to make it your responsibility to ensure that he’s entertained. You’re pregnant and need rest. He’s not a child. He can go to the cinema on his own, meet a friend, go for a walk, visit a free gallery...thousands of things, all possible to do on his own. Every day will be the same if he allows it to be - he needs to proactively do whatever it is that he resents not doing!

Being generous to him, restrictions, your loss and being far from family will have impacted him too. Sorry you are feeling so crap.

Is there maybe a ‘project’ you could suggest to him to sort around the house so he feels more engaged and useful? Or could you sign up to some sort of baby classes or new parent groups to go together?

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and I understand how difficult subsequent pregnancy is. I was in a very similar situation 15 years ago - and that was without a lockdown. Do and I found that time in ‘no mans land’ before a baby arrives is a very lonely place to be. We stopped going out, didn’t go to dinner, holidays anything. A lot o it has to do with grieving and I got pregnant very quickly and we were just petrified.

Do you think this is part of it also? Because if it is, perhaps it is easier to accept that this is a short term thing. I am not sure if you have been able to go to any prenatal groups (I couldn’t face them), but perhaps you could start looking g for post-natal groups for you and DH to join? It might be worth trying to link into these now?

How do you feel about bringing your child up in the country that you’re living in ? How long do you think you will live there ?

for you and as that sounds really hard.

I had sciatica in my first pregnancy and found it a struggle to walk to the postbox. You need to take care of yourself.

As WhatAShilohPitt said above - your DH needs to sort himself out. I guess he is seeing a counsellor - hopefully that will help. How long is he signed off work for?

I feel sorry for you. My DH is the very active type and he’s been amazing at preparing for the baby but today seems really upset because I woke up at 9 AM after a rough night and we won’t be out of the house before 10. He likes to take the dog for 6am walks and for us to go down to the beach on Saturdays before breakfast, and finds it hard that at 7.5 months pregnant I’m slower!
So I can sympathise a bit. He’s already cleaned the whole house and painted the nursery this morning so feels like I’m time wasting lol

Pregnancy is hard for them as well in different ways as they lose their activity buddy so I’ve got to let him sulk a bit.

Yes, how long do you plan on staying in your current country? Are you going to bring up your child there? Because with no friends or family you’re going to be very isolated, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your DH’s depression gets worse after the baby arrives.

You really need to start making connections and forming a support group, as hard as that may be atm with restrictions. Are there any local forums or fb groups you could join, so you can at least talk to people virtually?

Thanks for your kind messages everyone. I'm not sure how long we will be here, another issue is that my husband wasn't happy in the UK either, so it does predate the pandemic and pregnancy loss. He has this thing where he thinks everyone else is having a fabulously fun life and doing fun stuff all the time. I find it hard because I'm trying to say that everyone has to clean and tidy etc and most people don't love it but it's part of life - even most people who are out having fun must have to clean the toilet sometimes! If I go out with him in the morning very often I am too tired to do any cleaning or cooking when we get back. He struggles with any home stuff (he didnt use to, and actually we renovated our house together but by the end he hated it. By this point he'd decided he wanted to live abroad in a more fun place and everything at home was boring). We've talked about going home but he doesn't seem very keen and although I would like to as I'd love to be near family and good friends, I'm not sure he will be any happier. I think he is sad that what we imagined life to be like here has been very very different, and he's struggling to accept it. I totally understand how he feels, but there's not much we could've done about the pandemic and then losing the baby and I think that acceptance of the circumstances might be a really good step for him. I also know it hasn't always been easy living with me because I am and have been very anxious about this pregnancy, and there have been several issues during the pregnancy where I haven't coped very well and it's just me and him on our own here, so he takes on the stress of dealing with my emotional outbursts too.

I did do an online hypnobirthing course and I have signed up to 2 prenatal courses with him - one is later this month. The first we went to only had 1 other couple in it, who were really nice but they had travelled from outside the city to get there and it's about a 1.5 hr train ride to get there. I'm hoping the one this month may be better. I've joined groups on fb and whatsapp of other mums or mums to be in the city and I do engage with them online , but I haven't met up with any of them. I think partly because of not finding it easy to walk around, also I've been paranoid about not being vaccinated and travelling on public transport and to be honest the last year and a half have really messed us both up socially.

I feel pretty stuck. We've talked about going home but I really want to have the baby here as my doctors know about my previous experience and I really couldn't face moving back and having to translate all my medical records and try to fit into the UK system late on in the pregnancy. We are planning on coming back for a month or so early next year as part of his paternity leave which I'm hoping will give us a bit of a breather from the situation.

I feel frustrated and trapped and often I get angry or upset with him because I feel he is pressuring me all the time, but I also feel really sorry for him because it's been a really shitty time for him too and we are both struggling through it in our own ways.

Op, congrats and I hope that you feel better once baby is out! Your dh sounds a lot like mine op and tbh pre-kids it wasn't an issue as he'd head off and do his activities, hobbies etc but since having kids it's been trickier. Is your dh quite extroverted? Mine is extremely extroverted and I'm quite introverted so it can be hard at times particularly as our dcs didn't sleep for years so I was absolutely exhausted for a very long time, so was my dh but he still needs to get out and do loads.
However on the other hand he is v v hands on , does so many great activities with our kids, they are all male and have huge amounts of energy and they are older now so its actually great to have such a motivated dad.
We give each other time, me to chill and do things I like to recharge, he to go out and do various hobbies and socialising. We are v v 50/50 as parents. He does find that other ppl and parents accept a boring level of life and honestly we travelled quite a lot when our kids were small and although it was a good experience, it was also insanely exhausting but we had to compromise.
I'm not going to lie it can be so exhausting but I'm attracted to him because of his energy and drive but I'll admit it's a lot trickier then when kids come along. Its really important to make compromise and in my dh case he's has friends and his own hobbies going on and we do plenty together too but he also takes our kids off camping or surfing etc and gives me my own space too.

Does he have many friends or his own hobbies?

Why don't you

Hire a reputable cleaning company for a one-day blitz clean on the house. Includes changing the bed linen.

While they clean, DH takes you out for a leisurely picnic lunch in a beautiful place. HE organises and brings the food (delicatessen) cushions picnic blankets.

Your job; buy a great DVD to watch at home that night.
Then
His job: runs a romantic bath with special bubbles, scents.candles ' puts you in it and washes you, very slowly, head to toe.

Can you explain why you have to go out with him during the day? Why can't he go out and do whatever it is he wants to do on his own?

Hi OP, congrats on your pregnancy and it will work out all ok xx I really think your DH needs to get a hobby that he can do , even if it just going to the gym and take responsibility for his MH. You need to take care of yourself and emotionally prepare for your lovely baby arriving. As a warning flag to you once your baby is here life is going to feel more stressful and more routined than ever before. Your husband sounds like he is suffering very difficult depression and may not be in a position to support you with a baby .. it would be worth preparing a plan B for yourself about moving closer to your family in the UK if that looks to to be the case xxx

@2bazookas

Why don't you

Hire a reputable cleaning company for a one-day blitz clean on the house. Includes changing the bed linen.

While they clean, DH takes you out for a leisurely picnic lunch in a beautiful place. HE organises and brings the food (delicatessen) cushions picnic blankets.

Your job; buy a great DVD to watch at home that night.
Then
His job: runs a romantic bath with special bubbles, scents.candles ' puts you in it and washes you, very slowly, head to toe.

Ok this post is very specific and a bit weird, but this bit....

His job: runs a romantic bath with special bubbles, scents.candles ' puts you in it and washes you, very slowly, head to toe.

Wtf?

Anyway, OP it sounds very much like you have moved your whole life for this man, who seems to be chasing an unattainable dream life and expects YOU to facilitate it for him. If I'm honest he sounds really immature. He does not "struggle" with house stuff, he just doesn't want to do it! You need to be a bit stronger, and honestly if he thinks you being pregnant is curtailing his fun, wait until there's a baby holding him back. I really think you should consider moving back to your home country. Having a baby with no support network and a man who, it sounds like isn't going to be happy anywhere or with anything, is going to be extremely difficult. You need to stop putting him first for a change.

To all the posters suggesting OP's husband sorts something out for himself, if he does this and the OP spends a lot of time at home alone I wonder how long it will be before she is writing a thread about being lonely and hating being stuck at home alone towards the end of her pregnancy?
@Onaloop I think you need to consider what you can do for amusement rather than what you can't. Could you stand to watch a film at the cinema with him and have dinner out (even if it is early rather than late evening?) How about buying a cheap, lightweight wheelchair if walking exhausts you? You could then go to local attractions knowing if it gets too much you have the chair as back up.
I think you need to find a few things you can manage if at all possible or you risk pushing him into one of those hobbies that lasts a lifetime and are regularly complained about on here by hobby widows
With regards to the flat I assume it's not enormous (obviously I could be completely wrong!) so it wouldn't be a huge cost to get a cleaner, at least until the baby is born and for a good while after? You do seem very fixated on staying at home to 'get the flat ready ', as long as it is clean enough and baby's sleeping arrangements are sorted it is ready! I can't really see days or hours of work involved getting it prepared but I could be missing something?
I get you feel pressured by him, I imagine he feels trapped in an increasingly smaller world and you both need to have a conversation about your expectations of each other and how you can satisfy both of your needs.
I would suggest save the moving back home conversation until after the baby is born as you have said you are happy to give birth in the country you are in currently.
Good luck.

I'm so sorry for your loss, stillbirth is a terrible thing to have experienced.

My concern with your situation is that once your baby is born you are trapped where you are if your husband does not want to move.

If his behaviour continues, you will be trapped in this country with someone who cannot (will not?) support you, but can effectively prevent you moving home where you do have access to support (friends and family).

I would think very carefully about whether you are prepared to take the risk that your husband could walk out on you after baby is born and you would not be allowed to leave the country you in.

Right now, you are actually not trapped and you can leave. A new baby will not makes things better. The stress, pain, exhaustion and relentlessness of caring for a new baby usually makes a bad situation much much worse.

I also don't see why you need to go out with him, just because he's bored. He can go and find new things to do on his own and when you're able to walk again, he can show you them/introduce you to new people etc.

It is hard when you move abroad and don't know anyone, and covid has made that even harder. Are there any local or expat ante natal classes you can both go to? I met some nice people through those with my first. Or maybe some parent and baby groups, for when your baby is here? Some of those here are happy to have pregnant women come along, and that might be worth the effort, to meet other people at a similar stage as you. (Rather than just to give your husband something to do...)

But you don't need to do that if you don't want to - if he's bored and finds all the days boring and the same, he can fix this easily by going out and doing something different. You don't see this as a problem, so you don't need to. He is going to have to understand, though, that he still has to do some of the "boring" shit because life isn't a movie and its hardly fair for it all to become your responsibility so he can swan around living a fabulously interesting life - if he didn't want responsibilities, he shouldn't be married and about to have a baby, tbh.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and your husband sorts himself out soon!

Thanks everyone. I've been thinking about it a lot today. The reason I want to get the flat ready is that we moved here with just 1 bag of clothes each, all our stuff is in the UK still after nearly 2 years, I've been trying to get some bits and pieces together but I don't earn a lot and my husband is pretty tight with money, so I still don't feel like our flat is totally home yet, if that makes sense but I want it to feel really nice when the baby comes. I have a few bits of furniture to paint and im trying to make some cushions and bits, so its not just cleaning, but also before my husband was signed off I would spend time during the week cleaning and I work part time. Since he's been off I find I even have to stand my ground with my work and say 'I can't go out because I have to work' (I work part time flexible remote but I still actually have to put some hours in!) But he still pushes it and makes me feel bad for doing it and Its pretty exhausting. I would get a cleaner but I'm not sure my husband would want to pay and I'm using my money (which is not a lot) on baby stuff, but I will ask him and see!

I also have a lot of hobbies i can do at home, whereas my husband doesn't.

I also think I am to blame in a lot of ways because after lockdown lifted in May we did start to see a couple of friends etc but as I wasn't vaccinated I requested that they get tested on the day we meet (we can get a free test daily here). My husband finds it really awkward asking but he did ask and they said it was fine. Then the restrictions lifted a bit and people didn't care so much about wearing masks on public transport and it got really busy and I felt overwhelmed one particular day and ended up walking an hour and a half home because people were coughing and unmasked on a busy trainiwas on. I know its over the top but having lost a pregnancy im super anxious about everything, so I stopped going anywhere I couldn't walk to which kind of limited where we go! Maybe I am being too anxious about everything but its only because I really just want everything to be fine and for the baby to be healthy this time.

I would love to go to the cinema, or to a gallery or museum, or music event but with delta and how its affecting pregnant women i feel afraid, even when I am fully vaccinated in a few weeks im not sure how I'll feel about it.

When I got pregnant in February I thought we'd be back to some kind of normal by now with the vaccines etc, I wasn't expecting our year to look like this.

But I'm going to try to find some outdoor things we can do together where there are other people for once I've been fully vaccinated and im going to try to find some other parents to be locally.

@Abitlost2 he has a couple of work friends but he isn't seeing them while signed off. We have a couple of friends but they are in a totally different place to us, going out to bars etc and no kids. We meet up occasionally. He finds it hard to meet new people. We are both kind of socially messed up after the last couple of years!

The more you post about him the worse he sounds. He sounds controlling. He doesn't want to clean or spend time doing "boring" things. He seems to be controlling with money as well as your time. Not respecting that you need to work is terrible. It sounds like he has no empathy for your current condition.

This seems to be less about his mental health, and more about the fact he is immature, selfish and controlling.

What strikes me is that all this is likely to get much worse once you have a newborn baby in the mix. There is an awful lot of grind, cleaning, mundane home stuff ahead - how on earth is he going to cope?

If I were you I'd seriously be considering moving back home to have the baby, to somewhere you will have more support.

Op the money thing sounds bad tbh. I would definitely look if you can post baby of moving near family if you have a supportive one. I work flexibly and my dh is a high earner but it's our money, he
wouldn't dream of limiting it etc , we have a card each and that's it , you are married so your money should be pooled.
Everything you say sounds completely reasonable and you have been through a v hard time, of course you want to protect your baby. That's a good instinct. Is he maybe panicked about becoming a father? Can you speak to him like you have on here?
I hope you will be OK and of course things are going to be wonderful with a new baby but also limiting and routined. But on the other hand you will feel safer once baby is here, kids can be a great way of making new friends too. Best of luck op

My DP is like this. I didn't notice till after the baby was born as I was happy being out and about before. After having the baby, he was pressurising me to do all these social activities/ go on days out when I was still recovering / adapting to our new life He gets bored at home and bored doing the stuff that needs to be done and it has put a lot of pressure on me and made me feel quite inadequate/ boring as I don't have the time/ energy or desire to be out all the time with a child to care for. When we do things, he always wants to be out the house for as long as possible and it's not really compatible with a child's needs for meals/ time to play/ relax/ sleep etc. So be careful as the warning signs are there! Could he have ADHD? I think my DP defo does (other aspects of personality match this)

Thanks. I should say that he does share his money for things like food, he pays all the rent and bills and he does pay for a lot of stuff but I have to ask him about it first. This is why I use my money on things I'd like, for the flat for example because he doesn't see the point in spending money on stuff like that.

He can be controlling with money and he spoke to his counsellor about it, who said its probably linked to feeling out of control in other areas of life. His mum is also a very controlling person which I struggle with (and so has he for his entire life). I feel that I've enabled it a bit though because I'm pretty laid back and I think I should've been more aware of that early in our relationship.

I have tried to speak to him about it but I don't seem to get very far. I'm not sure he sees what I see. Plus I think a lot of what he pressures me about is actually a reflexion of how he feels, so he pressures me about meeting new people because he is anxious about meeting new people, or he is a bit controlling about the food I eat (if I want to eat loads of chocolate for example) because he wants to eat that but feels he shouldn't (because I end up eating the chocolate then he wants some) or he gets stressed about how I/we never go out and see people but when I've said he should arrange to meet his friends he doesn't do it. It feels like he's passing on those anxieties to me (when I don't necessarily feel those anxieties.) Not sure if that makes sense and have no idea how to deal with it though!

He is actually a very kind person, I think he's maybe a bit messed up from his childhood and also recent stuff and I'm the person he's projecting that onto. It hasn't always been like this

@violetbunny

The more you post about him the worse he sounds. He sounds controlling. He doesn't want to clean or spend time doing "boring" things. He seems to be controlling with money as well as your time. Not respecting that you need to work is terrible. It sounds like he has no empathy for your current condition.

This seems to be less about his mental health, and more about the fact he is immature, selfish and controlling.

What strikes me is that all this is likely to get much worse once you have a newborn baby in the mix. There is an awful lot of grind, cleaning, mundane home stuff ahead - how on earth is he going to cope?

If I were you I'd seriously be considering moving back home to have the baby, to somewhere you will have more support.

I came on to say this.

The only thing I would add, is its not up to you to entertain him and its going to get worse with a baby and you are really restricted.

It’s really hard but you have to remember you’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness. My ex was often unsatisfied with life and we moved overseas too as he was so unhappy but sadly wherever you go; there you’ll be. He was still unhappy in paradise sadly.

You have good reason to be anxious and you’re not trying to limit what he does. You sound very self aware so try and keep his issues in context, they’re not yours. What country are you in by the way?