Pregnant but my husband is bored

[Onaloop]

Im 7 months pregnant after a stillbirth last year. I live abroad with my husband and due to covid and being pregnant alot we havent seen our families in almost 2 years. We moved here because of my husband's job. Its been a really tough year after losing the baby and then almost immediately going into a hard lockdown for 10 months so its been a bit intense just me and my husband. I got pregnant during that time and so carried on being careful once the restrictions lifted as I wasn't vaccinated (as they weren't giving it to pregnant women here but I am partially vaccinated now). I've barely met anyone here due to the restrictions and nothing really happening (no groups to visit or events to go to). I work remotely so no local colleagues. now I am absolutely knackered I have terrible sciatica and I can barely walk - im trying all sorts of different treatments but nothing is really working, I get exhausted just walking to the supermarket, I sleep badly and have to nap in the day.

My husband has had a difficult time at work, they've messed him around regarding his contract, promised things then gone back on what they said and eventually made him reapply for his job but added more responsibility and he is now exhausted and burnt out and has been signed off for a few weeks.

The issue is he keeps telling me how bored he is with our life, how every day is the same. He used to nag at me to go and meet new people but Iit was hard with the restrictions and nothing happening. Now i can barely walk around the corner and I'm so tired, the thought of meeting new people is exhausting to me at the moment. Im also trying to get the flat ready for when the baby arrives but he can't stand being at home and pretty much every day he pressures me to go out and do something, which is exhausting and I then have no time or energy to do the housework or prepare for the baby. He thinks anything at home is boring, including getting stuff ready for the baby.

I know he's depressed nd that the lockdowns and not really seeing anyone else has been hard but we have been doing some things- day trips, camping, going for walks etc, just not much with other people. he's seeing a counsellor but he refuses to do anything outside of the sessions to help himself. I'm very aware that when the baby arrives we won't be going out as much as we are now and I'm afraid he will react badly to that and he'll get more depressed.

Im digging my heels in now a bit because everything hurts and I feel like I need to rest and just have some time at home to tidy up and have a clean around, and he just went to bed in a sulk saying 'every day is the same' I don't know if I am bring unreasonable and whether I should be helping him more and not digging my heels in but I also feel I need to prioritise my health at the moment but I don't know how to help him. Its been like this for several months now.

Since he's been off I find I even have to stand my ground with my work and say 'I can't go out because I have to work' (I work part time flexible remote but I still actually have to put some hours in!) But he still pushes it and makes me feel bad for doing it

RED FLAG

my husband is pretty tight with money

RED FLAG

he is a bit controlling about the food I eat (if I want to eat loads of chocolate for example) because he wants to eat that but feels he shouldn't (because I end up eating the chocolate then he wants some)

BLOODY MASSIVE RED FLAG

OP, you're spending your money, that he's trying to sabotage you earning on baby things. You're having to sit and make a cushion, with sciatica.

If he is no happier there than at home, get yourself home with some family support after the birth.

This sounds a tricky situation.
The first thing your husband needs to do is come off social media as suspect that is linked to his views of other people's lives.
How long is he signed off work for? Is being signed off actually helping him or making it worse? Surely there he would see people and appreciate his time at home more? Maybe time to discuss a phased return?

The end of pregnancy is hard and with your previous experience and covid, the way you feel is completely reasonable. Doesn't mean it isn't tough on you both though.

Agree with the idea of thinking about what you can do. Could you get up early and have a drive and a breakfast picnic somewhere beautiful? Take a folding chair. Arrive and leave before places get busy and then take an afternoon nap.

Is there anything he can focus some positive energy on for the baby? Decorating a room, learning to open and fold the pram, put in the car seat. Give him a little list of things to do that reduce the time he has to wallow and start him thinking about the next chapter in your lives.
Start him looking for pram friendly walks you can do together in a few months.

You need to talk about how you get through the remaining part of the pregnancy and worry about the rest after that. Is he an over thinker? Lots of men I've known like this have improved with a small baby because it removes the time available to do so!

Good luck

Op some massive red flags are waving as previous posters have said. He sounds very controlling. If you breastfeed it's very possible that you will have extended periods just doing this in the early days. How will he cope with that? Add you recovering from birth, a baby that will take up every bit if your time and sleep deprivation into the mix and it's going to be a nightmare. I'm genuinely worried for you xx

It sounds like a joyless existence and I would be concerned that it is only going to get worse when the baby arrives - I mean I would be concerned he will get worse. He sounds bored and not ready for married life never mind fatherhood.

I honestly think you need to move back to your home country, where you have your support network. Once the baby arrives, it will be so much more difficult if not impossible to do this, should things go downhill. I used to be on expat forums and have come across numerous stories of women becoming trapped in a country they don’t want to be in because of the Hague convention and habitual residency.

@Onaloop

Thanks everyone. I've been thinking about it a lot today. The reason I want to get the flat ready is that we moved here with just 1 bag of clothes each, all our stuff is in the UK still after nearly 2 years, I've been trying to get some bits and pieces together but I don't earn a lot and my husband is pretty tight with money, so I still don't feel like our flat is totally home yet, if that makes sense but I want it to feel really nice when the baby comes. I have a few bits of furniture to paint and im trying to make some cushions and bits, so its not just cleaning, but also before my husband was signed off I would spend time during the week cleaning and I work part time. Since he's been off I find I even have to stand my ground with my work and say 'I can't go out because I have to work' (I work part time flexible remote but I still actually have to put some hours in!) But he still pushes it and makes me feel bad for doing it and Its pretty exhausting. I would get a cleaner but I'm not sure my husband would want to pay and I'm using my money (which is not a lot) on baby stuff, but I will ask him and see!

I also have a lot of hobbies i can do at home, whereas my husband doesn't.

I also think I am to blame in a lot of ways because after lockdown lifted in May we did start to see a couple of friends etc but as I wasn't vaccinated I requested that they get tested on the day we meet (we can get a free test daily here). My husband finds it really awkward asking but he did ask and they said it was fine. Then the restrictions lifted a bit and people didn't care so much about wearing masks on public transport and it got really busy and I felt overwhelmed one particular day and ended up walking an hour and a half home because people were coughing and unmasked on a busy trainiwas on. I know its over the top but having lost a pregnancy im super anxious about everything, so I stopped going anywhere I couldn't walk to which kind of limited where we go! Maybe I am being too anxious about everything but its only because I really just want everything to be fine and for the baby to be healthy this time.

I would love to go to the cinema, or to a gallery or museum, or music event but with delta and how its affecting pregnant women i feel afraid, even when I am fully vaccinated in a few weeks im not sure how I'll feel about it.

When I got pregnant in February I thought we'd be back to some kind of normal by now with the vaccines etc, I wasn't expecting our year to look like this.

But I'm going to try to find some outdoor things we can do together where there are other people for once I've been fully vaccinated and im going to try to find some other parents to be locally.

OP I’m truly sorry for your previous loss.

There is a phenomenon in grief or trauma in that you can develop bonds which can’t be unhealthy due to that shared experience. It can cloud judgement to other things going on in the relationship.

Your description of your husband is one of a man who controls (money, location) or seeks to control (daily activity) a huge amount of your life. The space for you to make your own decisions and enact them seems very limited right now.

I would take heed of the previous excellent advice in relation to living overseas in a Hague Convention country with a child. You may find you do not have an option to return with your child without his permission.