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Original poster

Argument over hand washing

36 replies

undecided2022 · 02/09/2021 22:22

Have just massively freaked out at my husband ( I know I overreacted) and want to get clear on something.

I think it's disgusting not to wash hands with soap after touching raw meat. Husband says it's fine to use just plain water it does the same job.

I take stuff like that seriously- we have a toddler in the house - I don't want raw meat juices everywhere. Anyway I assume i am not being unreasonable?

Things escalated... he then decided after we had googled etc and I argued my point... that he was not talking about meat he just meant general dirt and that I misunderstood him. Am I being unreasonable to say that's gaslighting and trying to play games with my head? He does this shit all the time drags me into a debate about something that is cut and dry and then changes what he had originally said.
I've now ruined our evening because I flipped out as I am fed up of him doing this. We've been through a lot lately and are trying to rebuild our relationship. Now seems like we've taken 50 steps back wards.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 02/09/2021 22:35

You were not over reacting at all. You are correct about washing your hands after touching raw meat.

You say I've now ruined our evening. He's told you this, hasn't he?

Original poster
undecided2022 · 02/09/2021 22:42

@ViciousJackdaw thanks. No he hasn't said anything. I lost my rag threw something and came up to the spare room. I'm starving haven't had dinner yet.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/09/2021 22:45

Why are you the only one trying to rebuild the relationship?
Always wash hands with soap after handling raw meat. He must know water isn’t the same as soap. Otherwise why add detergent to washing or dishwasher etc??

XenoBitch · 02/09/2021 22:47

TBH, I only rinse with water after handling raw meat too, but that is it if it is only me. If I am preparing food for anyone else, I wash my hands properly.

Marmalady75 · 02/09/2021 22:49

Gaslighting plain and simple. Go and get yourself some food and have some time to yourself to relax and think about what your next move is.

80sMum · 02/09/2021 23:08

My DH hardly ever washes his hands and when he does it's just a token 5 seconds rinse under the tap.
I vaguely remember commenting on it in the early days, but I'm past caring now.

Original poster
undecided2022 · 02/09/2021 23:10

I've apologised for losing my temper. I'm still annoyed. Mostly with myself for letting it get to me. I asked him several times to just leave it but he wouldn't. Apparently we were having a debate.
Arghh

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 02/09/2021 23:14

i couldn't dream of marrying or sharing any living space, having much to do with, anyone who did not wash their hands thoroughly always.
that's how everyone i knew growing up did.
my male relatives did hard heavy work and were always most particular with hygiene.
cleanliness is next to godliness.

MadeForThis · 02/09/2021 23:21

It's the gaslighting that's the problem. If he had his debate then accepted he was wrong - fair enough.

But to force a debate then claim to be misunderstood and therefore still correct would make me mad!!

emilylily · 02/09/2021 23:26

We all know that he was really arguing that he didn't need to use soap after handling raw meat- otherwise you wouldn't have been Googling it in the first place- silly guy!

It's definitely important to use handwash/soap after handling raw meat. At least now that he knows (or of course always knew?- I think not!) to use soap after handling raw meat, there are no excuses for him not doing so in the future.

Original poster
undecided2022 · 02/09/2021 23:26

@MadeForThis that's exactly what has driven me completely up the wall. I am absolutely furious. And super annoyed with myself for losing my temper as now I feel like the bad guy even thought I repeatedly asked him to leave it and just stop he just carried on and on as if I'm a fucking idiot who wouldn't remember what he had already said!!!

Now he's acting all wounded being quiet and saying he is 'calm' when actually he's definitely very very pissed off.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
wheretoliveplz · 02/09/2021 23:28

It depends, if cooking for myself then it's up to me. But cooking for others then always with soap.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/09/2021 23:36

Water 'does the same job' as soap is clearly stupid.

But the gaslighting would make me very very angry as well to be honest. The 'well you misunderstood what I said in the first place' is a pathetic argument. I couldn't be with someone like that, it means he never accepts being in the wrong, never reflects on what the argument is actually about and his part in it, can never apologise, and cares more about being right than about anything else, like the issue under 'debate' or the other person's feelings. All just horrible and extremely childish

Original poster
undecided2022 · 02/09/2021 23:39

@wheretoliveplz

It depends, if cooking for myself then it's up to me. But cooking for others then always with soap.
But isn't it not just about cooking but touching other things afterwards that is problematic?
OP posts:
Original poster
undecided2022 · 02/09/2021 23:43

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Water 'does the same job' as soap is clearly stupid.

But the gaslighting would make me very very angry as well to be honest. The 'well you misunderstood what I said in the first place' is a pathetic argument. I couldn't be with someone like that, it means he never accepts being in the wrong, never reflects on what the argument is actually about and his part in it, can never apologise, and cares more about being right than about anything else, like the issue under 'debate' or the other person's feelings. All just horrible and extremely childish

Yes. That's exactly what made me so upset earlier. It's the first time it's happened in a while so it hurt more.
OP posts:
BlancheB · 03/09/2021 00:08

Why is he saying he is "calm"? He's the one who doesn't understand basic hygiene principles and as an adult (and parent?) he should know better. Hand washing with soap is hardly onerous. No idea why he thinks he has to be calm? Don't apologise as none of this is your fault.

You have a right to be annoyed. Please eat something. Preferably something that has not been prepared by him.

Blueleah · 03/09/2021 00:12

Yes you need to use soap after touching raw meat. I suspect he knows that and the real problem is the way you’ve approached telling him. It sounds like you’ve told him he’s disgusting and have gone off on a rant, and unsurprisingly he hasn’t responded well. A better approach would have been to just say “please can you remember to use soap to make sure the meat juice is washed off”.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 00:20

Why don’t people use soap after handling raw meat if you are only cooking for yourself?

Suzi888 · 03/09/2021 00:22

Raw meat juice? blood you mean. Envynot envy. Of course he should wash his hands with soap!

HSHorror · 03/09/2021 00:23

This happens to me a lot with dp.
He never listens and when he does he interprets stuff to what he thinks you should saying.
Then i look crazy for getting frustrated.

I wouldnt really want to meat juice kitchen and the next thing he touches could be fruit or salad.
Also if he does even give himself a stomach upset it can still be contagious depending on what it was caused by.
Dp parents are relaxed about higiene so i feel like i have ocd if i say kids should wash hands after touching the dog.

XenoBitch · 03/09/2021 00:23

But isn't it not just about cooking but touching other things afterwards that is problematic?

You said you have a toddler. I bet every surface in your house in reach of them is covered in something gross.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 00:27

@XenoBitch there is gross and then there is raw meat gross! Why would anyone risk getting ill, just use soap!

ChevreChase · 03/09/2021 00:38

Yes, my exH used to do this, completely change the terms of an argument when I was able to prove my point through evidence. I have a decent memory for things people say, and would also be able to repeat verbatim the assertions we had both made in the opening stages of the argument, but instead of him acknowledging that he was misrepresenting his stance, would tell me I was dogged and obsessive for recalling things accurately.

Once, to prove a point, he, he insisted I start a MN thread to get opinions on an issue (also a hygiene one!), as he claimed I would be the only person in the world who thought the way I did. However, 95% of posters agreed with me. His response: "you can't go running to MN every time with have a disagreement". Aaaarrrgghh!

You're right about the hand washing too, but people who refuse to argue in productive and fair ways are impossible to live with.

Nat6999 · 03/09/2021 01:12

I usually would wash my hands in the hot water & washing up liquid I always have in the washing up bowl when preparing food if I had handled raw meat.

IStoppedWatchingTheWalkingDead · 03/09/2021 01:51

Grim. Even if just cooking for myself I wash my hands after handling raw meat because I don't want to contaminate every surface I touch with meat bacteria for husband or dd to then touch the same surfaces and prepping their lunch.

I've once saw my brother rinse a chicken at the sink, chuck it in the oven, faff about flicking through recipe book and tidying bits away and when I said he's just touched all that without washing his hands he dramatically ran his hands under the cold tap for a few seconds, used the same t towel he had just dried his barely wet hands on to mop up the splashed water from rinsing the chicken and smeared that all over Mam's counters, to then touch various cupboards getting cups and milk out to make a cuppa for everyone and called me "a clean freak" when I said I'll make my own cuppa and I'm no longer hungry and why.

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