Argument over hand washing

[undecided2022]

Have just massively freaked out at my husband ( I know I overreacted) and want to get clear on something.

I think it's disgusting not to wash hands with soap after touching raw meat. Husband says it's fine to use just plain water it does the same job.

I take stuff like that seriously- we have a toddler in the house - I don't want raw meat juices everywhere. Anyway I assume i am not being unreasonable?

Things escalated... he then decided after we had googled etc and I argued my point... that he was not talking about meat he just meant general dirt and that I misunderstood him. Am I being unreasonable to say that's gaslighting and trying to play games with my head? He does this shit all the time drags me into a debate about something that is cut and dry and then changes what he had originally said.
I've now ruined our evening because I flipped out as I am fed up of him doing this. We've been through a lot lately and are trying to rebuild our relationship. Now seems like we've taken 50 steps back wards.

Absolutely gross. It's raw meat!

He sounds like a twat and he has changed his story because you have proven him wrong. Simple as that. I can understand why you got annoyed.

I wouldn't call it "gaslighting" although it may well be. He is simply lying because he doesn't want to admit he's wrong.

When all is calm agree that should you reach a flashpoint like this again and you ask him to
Stop, he will stop, or agree that one will walk away to give breathing space and the other is not to follow. Also when calm talk about how annoying it is when he says one thing then changes it to another and it's THAT which is getting you worked up. Ask him not to do that again, ask him why he thinks he does that. Write down an agreement and sign it if needed, refer to it in future.
Do all this if you want to remain in the relationship only, obviously

Ew, I always wash m hands in soap and water after handling meat. I double wash if it's raw chicken!

Another thing that disgusts me is raw meat and chopping boards. We have different coloured boards for chopping red meat, chicken, fish and veg. When I met DP he had one board for everything (🤢) and I have caught him before chopping meat on the veg-only board Makes me cross!

He is gross, spreading bacteria all over the place, wonder if he washes with soap after using to loo, or in the shower?

He’s disgusting

[quote undecided2022]@MadeForThis that's exactly what has driven me completely up the wall. I am absolutely furious. And super annoyed with myself for losing my temper as now I feel like the bad guy even thought I repeatedly asked him to leave it and just stop he just carried on and on as if I'm a fucking idiot who wouldn't remember what he had already said!!!

Now he's acting all wounded being quiet and saying he is 'calm' when actually he's definitely very very pissed off.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh[/quote]
Questions:

1. has he been drinking alcohol?
2. did the plans for this evening involve anything at all that he'd prefer to not do, however small and inconsequential it may seem?
3. were you planning to go out alone?
4. were you feeling happy and content with life until this "debate"?

I ask because I had this shit all the one with my ex. Often when he'd been drinking. Functional alcoholic so never seemed obviously drunk or even tipsy, eve when he was. Took me years to realise he always picked a fight with me when drunk (took me years to recognise he was drunk, too).

He also liked to pick fights like this if he had to do something he didn't want to eg
a) visit my friends, he'd start a row before hand, I get upset, I go alone or don't go at all. A result as far as he's concerned.
b) I'm going out alone, he starts a row beforehand, I get upset and don't feel like going any more. Just what he wanted.
c) I'm happy, well we can't be having that can we?! He much preferred me sad and low and passive, so would pick a fight like this to out me into that state. Too pissed off to argue with him, more likely to do whatever he says. Job done.

OP I wouldn't be rebuilding this relationship I'd be getting out of it. YANBU, he is. These aren't debates, you questioned him and he started a row to put you back in your place. Anyone will lose their temper if pushed far enough, you've nothing to feel guilty or apologize for. He did this deliberately. He ruined the evening, not you.

Just realized it's #2 you wanted him to wash his hands properly, he didn't want to. That would be enough to start it. You dared to have an opinion and make a simple, reasonable, non-negotiable request.

The raw meat thing isn't too bad. I eat raw steak so wouldn't get too upset about that. It does sound like you perhaps over reacted a bit and if you're like this about everything he may have had enough.
HOWEVER the gas lighting isn't cool and he shouldn't be doing that.

Did you throw something at him?

Don't understand why it had to turn into an argument - if he changed his tune to say he meant just dirt and not raw meat you can then say 'ok great so you agree I was right' and give him a smug satisfied smile.