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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I an abusive daughter?!

40 replies

TenPointsForGryffindor · 02/09/2021 18:10

Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’m not BU here but I need some perspective.

I’ve just spent the day with my DM and as we were leaving she tried to hand my DS(4) a boiled sweet. I’ve already told her before I don’t give him them because of the choking hazard, not because I’m particularly precious I just remember choking on one at a similar age.

I calmly told her no and reminded her he already had a sweet for the journey home. She still gave it to him and I went on about them being a choking risk and he is a very small 4 year old, I added that I’m probably not in the minority here.

She absolutely lost it. Practically hissing at me and saying she feels abused as a nan and extremely offended. And that she’d brought up my siblings and I with no issues and she’s given my ds boiled sweets hundreds of times before and he’s still alive.

I left it at that as I didn’t want to argue in front of ds. But as we were leaving she went to kiss his face. I said oh please don’t just in case, we still need to be careful. Well, that was it. She snarled at me and told me she’d do what she bloody well likes.

She was being completely out of order right? I’m not at all precious when it comes to parenting (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but there was no need for her to get so upset over a sweet or not giving my son who has a (perpetual it feels) cold a kiss during a pandemic. DS was genuinely upset and after we’d left asked why nanny was being so mean.

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/09/2021 18:12

The sweet thing you’re not being UR about however you are about the kiss.

Summersun2020 · 02/09/2021 18:12

The sweet yanbu.
The kiss…meh, she’s his nan, IMO you’re being OTT especially as you’d spent the day together. But your prerogative I suppose.

seaandsandcastles · 02/09/2021 18:12

The sweet I get, YANBU. I would have just taken it off my child and thrown it away.

But you were being precious about her kissing him and causing an issue where there needn’t be one. Pick your battles.

KatieKat88 · 02/09/2021 18:13

I'd be cooling off how often I saw her if this were me - and every time she does something undermining leave it a bit longer again before you next see her.

Rumplestrumpet · 02/09/2021 18:14

On the sweets, as long as you were polite about it then it's fine. The kiss was a bit OTT but if you're being extra cautious about Covid then fair enough.

It sounds like there's more to this though- is there a back story?

Cillmantain · 02/09/2021 18:15

The sweet YANBU
The kiss YABU.
You had spent the day together

tegannotsovegan · 02/09/2021 18:15

I think you were not being unreasonable about the sweet, as I am the exact same with my son (even with things like Haribo!) but the kiss? I think you were being unreasonable (unless she's been unsafe and has not taken precautions throughout the entire pandemic)

Thatsplentyjack · 02/09/2021 18:15

Agree with everyone above.

Original poster
TenPointsForGryffindor · 02/09/2021 18:16

Fair enough, but for context he does have a horrible cold. I do 2 LTF a week for work which have obviously been negative but after a horrible experience doing a PCR on DS last month I don’t want to subject him to that anymore. And I’m not going to isolate him as he’s had this cold 2 weeks now. We do still have to be safe.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 02/09/2021 18:16

You are not over the top on either counts. Your mother sounds unwell-does she have any history of emotional issues or MH struggles? I'd remind her that you did choke on that type of candy and say you don't want to risk it. I'd tell your little boy "Grandma must not be feeling very happy right now and we may need to let her calm down before we see her next time" then I'd address it in a phone call or email or text. If she continues to be volatile keep your distance

FreeekStarz · 02/09/2021 18:16

YANBU regarding the sweet, but asking her not kiss her grandson was probably a bit of a push too far, especially when you have just spent the day with her anyway. This has been a long pandemic with no end in sight so how long will she not be allowed to kiss him?

seaandsandcastles · 02/09/2021 18:16

Ok, he has a horrible cold. So what?

Original poster
TenPointsForGryffindor · 02/09/2021 18:18

Further to that point, she had been the one who suggested before we got there to no kisses etc. as she is the more cautious of the two of us due to health concerns.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenPointsForGryffindor · 02/09/2021 18:20

@EKGEMS

You are not over the top on either counts. Your mother sounds unwell-does she have any history of emotional issues or MH struggles? I'd remind her that you did choke on that type of candy and say you don't want to risk it. I'd tell your little boy "Grandma must not be feeling very happy right now and we may need to let her calm down before we see her next time" then I'd address it in a phone call or email or text. If she continues to be volatile keep your distance
No history so to speak but our relationship the past few years has been fractious at times despite us staying quite close. She can tend to be a bit ‘bitchy’ especially when it comes to other people’s parenting styles though.
OP posts:
Original poster
TenPointsForGryffindor · 02/09/2021 18:21

@seaandsandcastles

Ok, he has a horrible cold. So what?
Do you usually go round kissing people with colds? Pandemic or not, I generally steer clear of close contact with people who have a cold.
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2021 18:21

Yanbu about the sweet.

Yabu about the kiss, as long as it wasn’t on the lips.

Cillmantain · 02/09/2021 18:22

OK he has a cold I still think it was OTT to stop her kissing her grandson.
Pick your battles or it all gets out of hand really fast.

seaandsandcastles · 02/09/2021 18:22

Do you usually go round kissing people with colds? Pandemic or not, I generally steer clear of close contact with people who have a cold.

Good for you. You get to make your own decisions, just like your mum can make hers.

cptartapp · 02/09/2021 18:26

The sweet YANBU.
The kids? Maybe.
Her reaction was uncalled for. Just see less of her.

Pinkchocolate · 02/09/2021 18:31

You wouldn’t let your mum kiss her grandchild that she’d spent the day with?! That’s ridiculous in my opinion and I’d be offended too in her position. Fair enough about the sweet though.

gmailconfusion2 · 02/09/2021 18:33

From a grandchild perspective, I hated my gran giving me a kiss, she always went for the lips. I used to run to the car to avoid it. Can you give him the choice of how he says goodbye, hi five, wave, hug, kiss, and accept his choice.

I have an issue with dhs family kissing my son, but that's due to cold sores

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2021 18:34

The sweet YANBU
The kiss YABU

Eve81 · 02/09/2021 18:35

I would have avoided the sweet also but I really do think YABU regarding the kiss. My child is often ill with respiratory illnesses and I would never stop his Nan from giving him a kiss.

Kuachui · 02/09/2021 18:37

The sweet fair enough but the kiss makes you sound a bit strange I won't lie...

WorraLiberty · 02/09/2021 18:37

Another one saying YANBU about the sweet but YABU about the kiss.

As to whether you're an abusive daughter or not, no-one here can really answer that but your mum obviously thinks you are so maybe you two need to sit down and hear each other out calmly at some point.

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