Am I an abusive daughter?!

[TenPointsForGryffindor]

Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’m not BU here but I need some perspective.

I’ve just spent the day with my DM and as we were leaving she tried to hand my DS(4) a boiled sweet. I’ve already told her before I don’t give him them because of the choking hazard, not because I’m particularly precious I just remember choking on one at a similar age.

I calmly told her no and reminded her he already had a sweet for the journey home. She still gave it to him and I went on about them being a choking risk and he is a very small 4 year old, I added that I’m probably not in the minority here.

She absolutely lost it. Practically hissing at me and saying she feels abused as a nan and extremely offended. And that she’d brought up my siblings and I with no issues and she’s given my ds boiled sweets hundreds of times before and he’s still alive.

I left it at that as I didn’t want to argue in front of ds. But as we were leaving she went to kiss his face. I said oh please don’t just in case, we still need to be careful. Well, that was it. She snarled at me and told me she’d do what she bloody well likes.

She was being completely out of order right? I’m not at all precious when it comes to parenting (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but there was no need for her to get so upset over a sweet or not giving my son who has a (perpetual it feels) cold a kiss during a pandemic. DS was genuinely upset and after we’d left asked why nanny was being so mean.

Do you usually go round kissing people with colds? Pandemic or not, I generally steer clear of close contact with people who have a cold.

Isn't your mum allowed to make her own choices?

Gran lost multiple siblings due to boiled sweets, that’s why she taught us to crunch through sweets and chocolates immediately (and then rinse our mouths out with water to keep our teeth - and none of us have even a single filling 40 years later). Your son is 4 years old not 4 mths old - you need to start giving him strategies to cope with things rather than just ban them otherwise he’ll end up like my 60 yo colleague who needs to peel apples because he just doesn’t know how to cope with the peel.

This is very common.You are not abusive!!!!
How do you define abusive? Having a boundary? Making some rules for your own child? Asking your mother to listen to you?

So you know you are not abusive.

She is defensive and is deflecting calling you abusive. She might as well say "i receive zero feedback"

Mothers of adults who still want the authority/compliance dynamic. Im 51 and my mum will accept no feedback, ever. She also accused me of being abusive once.

The sweet YADNBU when I was 4 I choked on a hard boiled sweet that my mum didn’t know my auntie gave me and my brother, fortunately I’m still here to tell the tale. I was terrified and I remember the dread I felt then, I tapped my mum on the shoulder when she was driving, kept tapping, fortunately my mum realised I was choking and stopped the car.

I think the kiss YABU as surely it’s your mums choice to potentially risk her health, it wouldn’t hurt your son. But your mum was unreasonable with her catty response, and I would be enforcing boundaries about what I accept from her

I'd have said the same as you and I'd also not be leaving my ds with her unsupervised ( sounds like she's given him these sweets before) until he's older as I'd be tying myself in knots of worry.

Not precious at all for either and her reaction reinforces this.

You are his Mam, you decide what is safe for him. She does not. There is no discussion here.

YANBU concerning the boiled sweet
YABU concerning the kiss. A kiss on the forehead or top of his head would be fine. No-one would want to get too close to a sniffy nose.
It must have seemed to your DM that she could not do anything right today. It is heart breaking to be distanced from much loved DGC.

@seaandsandcastles

Do you usually go round kissing people with colds? Pandemic or not, I generally steer clear of close contact with people who have a cold.

Good for you. You get to make your own decisions, just like your mum can make hers.

Just to point out, it's not just the nan's decision in kissing her GC - does HE want to have a kiss?

Agree that OP was OTT on this though unless had agreed at outset of the day, "DC has a horrible cold so it's probably best not to kiss him today unfortunately".

She snarled at me and told me she’d do what she bloody well likes

You were quite reasonably concerned about choking hazards, but even then boiled sweets are just pure sugar. If you ask someone not to give that your child, they should listen to you.

Its not her child to do "what she bloody well likes" to. That's it.

Agree about the sweet not about the kiss. Especially if you are protecting her from his cold as her decision and if a bad cold she is probably aware. I would possibly limit contacts during pandemic but if spent the day with nan I can't see a kiss being much additional risk.

Do you usually go round kissing people with colds? Pandemic or not, I generally steer clear of close contact with people who have a cold.

But you were happy to visit your mum with a person who has a cold? You can't have it both ways.

That said, her reaction sounds totally OTT and I certainly don't think it makes you 'abusive'.

@Cillmantain

The sweet YANBU The kiss YABU. You had spent the day together

This^

For her to use a word like 'abused' I'd suggest there's more of a back story.

Is she leant on a lot?

The sweet thing she was in the wrong.
The kiss depends entirely on context but realistically if they're close enough for her to give him a sweet without you physically interjecting they're already close enough to have passed any germs between them.

Yanbu about the sweet, I still get
twitchy about them and mine are 10 & 12, never would have allowed one at 4.

We aren't a kissy family but I suppose for her it was the final straw.

I'd cool off going to see her/getting o touch for a bit.