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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH obvious hostility

44 replies

oddmanout123 · 02/09/2021 16:16

I cannot fathom this.

Back story : We separated 14 years ago. I left him, due to his cheating and him trying to hook up with every single friend that I had, plus my Mum & Sister Shock He was mostly drunk when these things happened, and I think he minimised it because of that. His family all took his side, saying that what ExH had done was merely a bit of fun, whereas I was breaking up a family (and therefore the villain of the piece).

He was low level violent at times, the odd push or kick, but at the end he beat me up twice.

He tried to swindle me out of my fair share of marital assets (I didn't let him), and also under paid Child maintenance, by lying to CMS about his earnings.

Despite all of this, I remained cordial after our divorce, for the sake of the children. When the youngest went to Uni, he went NC with me. No idea why, but I wasn't bothered (although WTF - we had only ever discussed matters related to DC).

Anyway, fast forward 14 years to last weekend, and we have to be at an event for our DD. (ExH and I haven't seen each other for about 6 years at this point). He cannot, and will not, look me in the face. He stands in silence, either staring in to space, or playing on his phone. I met his Partner for the first time, and he did not introduce us, so it was down to me to say hello to her, which was met with a slight acknowledgment, but certainly not overly friendly. I tried to make small talk as we had to stand together (no choice on this), but was met with one word answers. At one point ExH and his DP moved slightly away from me and DD, and spoke in hushed tones, which was super awkward.

AIBU to think that this is absolutely batshit? We are going to have to attend weddings and christenings together. After all that he has done, if I can be friendly and civil, surely he can.

On a side note, his DP looked so sad. Very quiet and reserved, and the sadness in her eyes was probably the worst I have ever seen. I don't think I have ever encountered someone who looked so blank and sad.

What on earth is going on here?

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 02/09/2021 16:32

"What on earth is going on here?"
Lots and lots of things.
His partner is the easiest, she has probably been fed a pack of lies by him, people who beat their partners also rarely if ever change, so she is probably regularly on the receiving end of his violence. On top of that there might well be the realisation that you escaped him, but that is something that she has not yet had the courage to do.

With him in relation to you, it is very difficult without knowing the psychological basis behind his issues and DV, but most DV perpetrators hold the view that the person they are hitting "made me do it", they have a victim complex. So he will utterly resent you for walking away from him when in his mind it was all your fault, you made him cheat, you made him hit you, you should have just accepted it etc. Those kind of people are filled with anger at anyone who dares to oppose or stand up to them. His anger is not rational, you will never be able to understand it, because you do not have the mind of a wife beater.

Original poster
oddmanout123 · 03/09/2021 12:54

MatildaIThink Thanks for your reply. I think you may be right on both counts!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 13:16

14 years and he's still a Dick 🤣

celebrate the fact you got shot of this clown ... and just enjoy the events you both attend..

You don't need to engage with him to enjoy your DC's achievements... quite the opposite in fact .. 🌸

CatJumperTwat · 03/09/2021 13:18

I think you're unreasonable to expect such a lowlife to be cordial. If I were you I'd just act like he wasn't there, same as he's doing to you.

And his new partner is probably sad because she's the one getting beaten now.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 13:20

No harm but why did you want to speak to him and be cordial?

I don’t engage with my ex or his wife at all. Ever.

He falls all over himself to try to get me to engage. It’s embarrassing.

FangsForTheMemory · 03/09/2021 13:24

He’s warned his DP off speaking to you or else, at a guess. She was probably terrified you tried to talk to her.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 13:26

I give me ex one word answers.

He’s a complete nothing to me and I have no wish to engage with him on any level at all.

Seems I’m the unreasonable one then?

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 13:29

@Miniroofbox

I give me ex one word answers.

He’s a complete nothing to me and I have no wish to engage with him on any level at all.

Seems I’m the unreasonable one then?

you sound very wise to me 😂

GiantHaystacks2021 · 03/09/2021 13:34

He's probably beat the shite of her, too.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2021 13:34

Agree with previous posters who are asking why you need to engage with him - appreciate you're trying to be the bigger person and all that but in all honesty he doesn't deserve your time or attention. I don't speak to my ex at all, ever. If we have to be at our daugther's wedding together at some point then so be it - I still won't be engaging with him.

makkapakka212 · 03/09/2021 13:38

I can understand you op, you want to be civil and just make small talk then be on your way, even for the sake of the children. Him creating awkwardness is clearly going to be picked up on by the children, after so much time has passed it is awkward he can't be civil

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2021 13:39

His partner wouldnt be with him if he had been honest with her about how he treated you. You will be the 'psycho ex' who spread malicious lies about him and stopped him seeing his kids etc. It wont look great for him now if they both see you being reasonable and normal. Just breathe s sigh if relief that you don't need to engage at all with him

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 13:40

I don’t owe my ex civility.

Hboo31 · 03/09/2021 14:07

As a child of divorce this makes me so sad and actually a bit angry to read. OP is making the effort for her daughter and I think that's great.
All these people refusing to talk to their ex's don't seem to acknowledge how awful this is for the kids. Yes, you don't owe your ex anything but it's not for the ex, it's for the children you created. I'm an adult now and my partner and I have been talking about marriage but I can't face the idea of my parents acting like this on the day. It's been 25 years since they split and on the few occasions they've seen each other, one makes the effort for small talk and the one that behaved worst throughout the marriage and divorce pretends the other doesn't exist. I am not expecting them to hug and dance, or even really talk to each other but avoiding eye contact and refusing to greet each other is petty and achieves nothing other than tainting the occasion and making it uncomfortable for your children.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 14:12

My ex was abusive and continues to be so every chance he gets. Latest bit of abuse discovered just over 2 weeks ago and I’m having to get a solicitor involved.

I nod at him in greeting. And not one bit more.

I’m sorry you feel that’s not the right thing in your family, but I’m entitled to my boundaries and do what I need to to protect myself from his abuse and manipulation.

My kids are all LC with him. - one is NC.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 14:15

Also. The one getting married has told him he can’t bring his wife due to the abuse that they suffered from her when they were a child. And the way that wife treated me (police involvement).

He’s thrown his toys out the pram and said he’s not coming unless she is invited. His loss.

Fwiw I didn’t know any of this until one of my others told me. I haven’t expressed an opinion to anyone as to whether she or he should be invited. I assumed they would be.

CorianderBee · 03/09/2021 14:16

He's obviously rewritten history in his head and now hates you for your 'crimes' and has likely told his wife all manner of nasty tales.

Ignore it

DeadGood · 03/09/2021 14:17

Hi OP, you need to speak to your children about this. They are adults and there is absolutely no need for you to be put into situations such as this. Tell them the truth, and that they will have to make adjustments so that you are not put in that position again. None of this is your fault so you shouldn’t be the one being punished here.

CorianderBee · 03/09/2021 14:18

Also remember if he was able to be cordial he wouldn't beat the women he purports to love. He'd be cordial to them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2021 15:05

What he was then, he is now - except it's to her and not youSad.

Well done for getting yourself out of his clutches.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2021 15:09

@Hboo31 my daughter doesn't talk to her dad either, he's an abusive twat who made her life a misery for years. I was civil to him whilst she was still seeing him, but now I'm done. Don't comment when you don't know the circumstances. OP said her ex beat her up - why on earth does she owe him anything? And her kids should know exactly what he's like, once they're old enough to understand.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2021 15:13

Sorry just realised OPs kids are adults in which case I totally agree with @DeadGood

Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/09/2021 15:20

I love my kids more than I hate my ex, and so I shall always endeavour to be civil to him and his new wife whenever we need to be in the same room, for my kids' sake.

I speak as the (now adult) child in your situation: my parents have been apart 30 years, only ever in the same room a handful of times since then and my mum has made things unbearably awkward. I've never forced them to be at the same table, or in the same photos but her attitude has really ruined these milestone events for me.

Why on earth people can't be civil for their kid's sake is unbelievable to me.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/09/2021 15:25

@DeadGood

Hi OP, you need to speak to your children about this. They are adults and there is absolutely no need for you to be put into situations such as this. Tell them the truth, and that they will have to make adjustments so that you are not put in that position again. None of this is your fault so you shouldn’t be the one being punished here.
Why? The kids have a relationship with both parents independently. If they go to the trouble of inviting them to the same event (despite how one has treated the other, and yes I know that's a very bitter pill to swallow) then both parents need to be told to play nicely. Not put the kids in the awful position of excluding one parent from milestone events. That's a huge burden on the kids, and incredibly unfair. The breakdown of the parents' relationship is/was nothing to do with the kids and the parents should love and respect their child enough to be civil for a few hours.
Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/09/2021 15:28

@Miniroofbox

I don’t owe my ex civility.
No, but you owe your kids love and respect, and if you continue to behave with hostility at any event your dc invites both of you to, don't be disappointed if you don't get asked next time!