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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExH obvious hostility

44 replies

oddmanout123 · 02/09/2021 16:16

I cannot fathom this.

Back story : We separated 14 years ago. I left him, due to his cheating and him trying to hook up with every single friend that I had, plus my Mum & Sister He was mostly drunk when these things happened, and I think he minimised it because of that. His family all took his side, saying that what ExH had done was merely a bit of fun, whereas I was breaking up a family (and therefore the villain of the piece).

He was low level violent at times, the odd push or kick, but at the end he beat me up twice.

He tried to swindle me out of my fair share of marital assets (I didn't let him), and also under paid Child maintenance, by lying to CMS about his earnings.

Despite all of this, I remained cordial after our divorce, for the sake of the children. When the youngest went to Uni, he went NC with me. No idea why, but I wasn't bothered (although WTF - we had only ever discussed matters related to DC).

Anyway, fast forward 14 years to last weekend, and we have to be at an event for our DD. (ExH and I haven't seen each other for about 6 years at this point). He cannot, and will not, look me in the face. He stands in silence, either staring in to space, or playing on his phone. I met his Partner for the first time, and he did not introduce us, so it was down to me to say hello to her, which was met with a slight acknowledgment, but certainly not overly friendly. I tried to make small talk as we had to stand together (no choice on this), but was met with one word answers. At one point ExH and his DP moved slightly away from me and DD, and spoke in hushed tones, which was super awkward.

AIBU to think that this is absolutely batshit? We are going to have to attend weddings and christenings together. After all that he has done, if I can be friendly and civil, surely he can.

On a side note, his DP looked so sad. Very quiet and reserved, and the sadness in her eyes was probably the worst I have ever seen. I don't think I have ever encountered someone who looked so blank and sad.

What on earth is going on here?

OP posts:

Tlollj · 03/09/2021 15:29

I will never speak to my ex again. Never.
We ignored each other at my son’s wedding. He’s not invited to my older son's wedding so 🤷‍♀️

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 15:34

What on earth is going on here?

Just like his family, your Ex has painted you as the villain of the piece.
He & they have to do this. The alternative is to acknowledge that the Ex is a sexually incontinent, wifebeating boozehound.

His new g/f has swallowed this bullshit, or she wouldn't be with him.
But she is experiencing a lot of doubt & self-esteem issues - because abusers are gonna abuse. So her sadness is the result of the cognitive dissonance of wanting to believe her relationship is good, but knowing deep down that it isn't.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2021 15:41

@Couldhavebeenme3 you've clearly never been in a very abusive marriage. Quite frankly I would not piss on my ex if he was on fire, and my daughter feels the same. Don't judge until you've walked in those shoes.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 03/09/2021 15:56

OP, i understand your desire to be civil.

But as others have said, you don't need to bother.
If you want, you can explain to your children why you won't be bothering anymore, so they know it's down to him.

Ultimately he'll be the one that loses out.
My grandfather was like this with my grandmother all my life until he passed.

He carried a lot of bitterness about it, and would only come to major family events (weddings etc) - he was the one that missed out on everything else - we all carried on without him.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/09/2021 16:08

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@Couldhavebeenme3 you've clearly never been in a very abusive marriage. Quite frankly I would not piss on my ex if he was on fire, and my daughter feels the same. Don't judge until you've walked in those shoes.[/quote]
Oh I have, believe me. Got the t-shirt and still paying solicitors.

But if my dc invites us both to their wedding/graduation/whatever, I'm going to bust a gut to do the right thing FOR MY KID.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 your daughter doesn't have a good relationship with her dad anyway so I doubt he'd get invited anyway. We're all too eager on MN to comment that kids have a right to a relationship with both parents, and that one parent shouldn't alienate the other. My mum hates my dad (still, 30 years later) yet my sm is civil, dad will attempt civil small talk, my mum is horrifically rude. Is that going to encourage me to invite her to joint events again? She's ruined my wedding, my sister's wedding, 4 grandchildrens christenings, how do you think that makes the (adult) child feel?

RedMarauder · 03/09/2021 16:10

YABU

Your ex isn't civil.

Tell your adult children and they will then take steps to ensure that you are not alone together. They will have other friends who have hostile separated parents.

I've been one of those friends' who has been roped in to keep hostile separated parents apart.

Hboo31 · 03/09/2021 16:20

@chocolatesaltyballs22 that's a different situation. If your daughter wants nothing to do with him then that's not the situation the OP and I are talking about so it's irrelevant really.

This is about an occasion for her daughter that she wants both of her parents to attend. In this situation, yes the parents should acknowledge each other, for their daughters sake.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 16:21

And it’s not me didn’t get invited to the wedding. It’s my ex’s wife. Nothing to do with me. I didn’t find out until we’ll after it had all happened.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 16:23

The right thing for me to do for my child is not support their father in forcing a relationship with an abusive nasty woman.

If my child doesn’t want that woman there then I will support their decision 100%.

I still don’t owe my ex to be civil to him or stand there making small talk. We just don’t have to communicate at all. It’s not necessary.

DeadGood · 03/09/2021 16:25

Couldhavebeenme3 I never said the children should exclude one parent from the event. Where the hell did you get that from?

Yes, both parents need to be told to play nice. Has the father been told to play nice? Doesn’t sound like it. Does the OP need to be in a situation where she is obliged to stand next to her abusive ex-husband? Nope. Simply unnecessary.

HollowTalk · 03/09/2021 16:31

You're standing there looking great and confident, with friends and family around you. That doesn't match the picture in her head that she has of you, does it? It also doesn't match the picture he likes to have of you, either. I'm sure he thought you wouldn't cope without him. I bet he's told her that time and again. Yet here you are, living proof that life without him has really worked out for you.

I'm assuming it was a graduation. If so he probably assumed your children wouldn't cope without him, either. And yet here they are, too

Hopefully you looked friendly enough towards his new partner that if she was trying to find her way out of the gaslit fog, she would feel she could contact you to ask you the truth about what happened.

3scape · 03/09/2021 16:34

He's probably fed them some utter BS. Do what you must for your kids, keep the overtures friendly. It's hopefully going to be very rare. Keep the smile big and the welcome warm. It'll obviously fuck him off but your kids will appreciate it!

RedMarauder · 03/09/2021 16:45

@DeadGood

Couldhavebeenme3 I never said the children should exclude one parent from the event. Where the hell did you get that from?

Parents like the children are adults.

The parents can be told to play nicely but it doesn't mean both of them will listen and both of them will act appropriately.

I know people who have had to threaten one of their parent-in-laws with exclusion from their wedding if they continued to play up when in the same room - and not even next to - their ex.

phishy · 03/09/2021 17:39

He is a dick, but why are you expecting if him to be a different person and trying to make small talk?

Just ignore him and his partner. It’s enough for your dc that you’re not kicking him for pushing you around all those years ago.

Holskey · 03/09/2021 18:11

I don't think you should have spoken to her. For her to be with him, he has to have lied about you. He obviously doesn't have a nice opinion of you and will have passed that on to her. Where you're concerned, she's very much his team.

I also don't think you should read so much into her level of happiness. A lot of projecting there. She'd probably fume if she knew your assumptions.

Be happy to be well-rid and don't let any of it play on your mind.

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 18:17

Never engage with your Abuser to appease other people... Ever..

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2021 18:19

It’s very hard when you HAVE to see someone, but they are openly hostile. I don’t like having hostile people in my life!

But I guess all you can do is be glad you’re no longer with him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/09/2021 18:21

"On a side note, his DP looked so sad. Very quiet and reserved, and the sadness in her eyes was probably the worst I have ever seen. I don't think I have ever encountered someone who looked so blank and sad"

He's an abuser
He abused you.
He's unlikely to have changed.
You probably looked just like that before you escaped him.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2021 21:04

@QueenBee52

Never engage with your Abuser to appease other people... Ever..

100% agree

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