Is my friend's partner taking advantage of her?

EnidSpyton · 2021-09-02T14:27:35+00:00

A very good friend of mine is making arrangements for her new partner to move in within the next couple of months. She owns her house, mortgage free. She's not asked her partner for any contribution other than 'a bit' towards bills. She says because she's not got a mortgage she doesn't think it's fair to ask him for anything. He apparently hasn't offered to pay anything either due to sharing the opinion that she's mortgage free so she doesn't 'need' the money. For context, he earns more than twice as much as she does. He's not short on cash. I was a bit [hmm] about all this when she told me. In my mind he should be paying her rent. I can't shake the feeling that she's being taken advantage of here. If I moved in with a partner who already had their own home, I would insist on paying my way. I know it's not my relationship and it's not my place to interfere, but it has just raised a bit of a red flag for me. Interested to hear others' thoughts. Does this sound like a fair arrangement to you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2021 15:30

There is no housing cost so if he paid, she'd be profiting (and he might argue a claim on the house).

Better to have him pay bills and household costs. Not 'a bit' though. Properly done.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 02/09/2021 15:33

Tbf, this is better for her because as he's not contributing to rent/mortgage he has no claim on the house.

It sounds like your friend is being canny...and discrete. It she says 'a bit' it could mean half.

suspiria777 · 02/09/2021 15:34

How much is he paying currently? Does he rent or own? If he owns and will be renting out his place, he should pay 50% of his rental income to your friend. If he rents at the moment, he should pay at least half of what his usual rent is to her for bills/food/etc. Either way, he's making money from the deal, and your friend isn't giving him a free ride.

When you say he's a new partner... how new is new? If it's sooner than a year of dating, I would be v concerned.

CallMeNutribullet · 02/09/2021 15:35

The consensus here is you don't pay towards a mortgage you don't have a stake in. You certain shouldn't be profitable off a partner like they're a lodger

MrsRandallFraser · 02/09/2021 15:35

It's exactly the arrangement I have with my DP. No mortgage, they own the property, all utility bills are split, I pay for all our food shopping. IMO, it allows me to save the money I would've been paying towards rent or my own mortgage so in the unlikely event the relationship goes south, I've got something to fall back on. This was agreed before we moved in together and seemed the fairest way to do things. It's very clear cut that if we do break up, I would obviously be the one to leave and neither of us owes the other anything.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2021 15:36

I've done the same thing as her, the relationship didn't work out and he didn't have a claim on anything

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2021 15:37

None of your business and honestly if I was mortgage free and asked my DP to move in I wouldn't ask him for rent either

DrSbaitso · 02/09/2021 15:37

Yes, I was thinking that this way he won't have a claim on the house. And she's got her own secure home if they split up, so she's better off than if she sold and they bought together.

They should specify his fair contribution towards bills and food. House repairs, maintenance and redecorating are a bit less clear cut if he lives there but the house is entirely hers.

Not all couples have to live together.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2021 15:38

Yes a properly worked out contribution to bills and household costs. Nothing vague like “a bit”.

He shouldn’t pay towards housing as there’s no housing cost.

Disintegration1985 · 02/09/2021 15:41

Why should he pay her rent? He's not her tenant, they're partners.

HarrietsChariot · 02/09/2021 15:42

If they're both happy with the arrangement then surely that's fine? To be honest I agree with them, he shouldn't pay rent because there isn't any rent (or mortgage) to pay. They are in a relationship, he's not a lodger.

Original poster

EnidSpyton · 02/09/2021 15:59

It seems I am being unreasonable! Thanks for giving me some other perspectives. I do feel a bit protective of this friend due to her past relationship history so clearly I was being overly cautious in my concern about this. Thanks for helping me to see reason!

I absolutely think it's important he should have no claim on the house, so him not contributing towards it does ensure that. I hadn't thought of that perspective.

I will gently suggest though that she ensures a very equal split of bills and other household costs. 'A bit' needs to be 'half'!

OP posts:

TiredButDancing · 02/09/2021 16:09

There's always this constant worry about someone having a "claim" on the house on MN which is a bit confusing for me. There are a lot of ways to work around that.

Having said that, fi she doesn't want him paying actual rent, fine. But I would absolutely 100% expect that all other costs are met more equally. He will be saving a FORTUNE by moving in with her. She needs to ALSO save money. Nothing infuriates me more on here than when i see these threads, "well, having him here is not increasing costs for me so I don't think he should be paying my bills" when the man in question has slashed his expenses by £100s or even £1000s.

DrSbaitso · 02/09/2021 16:13

There's always this constant worry about someone having a "claim" on the house on MN which is a bit confusing for me. There are a lot of ways to work around that.

Yes, but an alarming number of people don't do them.

TiredButDancing · 02/09/2021 16:18

@DrSbaitso

There's always this constant worry about someone having a "claim" on the house on MN which is a bit confusing for me. There are a lot of ways to work around that.

Yes, but an alarming number of people don't do them.

Sure, but the answer then is to ensure that it's set up correctly, not to be out of pocket financially. Surely?

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 16:18

I'd definitely ask for rent! There would be days when he was pissing me off (inevitable) and if he was staying rent-free that would make me even more pissed off. At least I could treat myself with the proceeds otherwise.

TiredButDancing · 02/09/2021 16:20

Also, and I appreciate that MN is not necessarily a highly scientific group to analyse but I've never seen a post on here where someone has been living with a man and then the relationship has broken down and now the man is insisting on having half her house because he contributed a few hundred pounds every month. Not that it doesn't ever happen or that I've seen all the posts, but when I consider how many posts I've seen about v similar other entitled behaviours from men .... it just doesn't feel like something that should be the main priority.

It just feels like women are always being warned to protect themselves financially by.... screwing themselves financially in the short term. It's just another way men seem to get around having to do or pay their fair share.

Chloemol · 02/09/2021 16:30

Not rent but i would be expecting him to cover half of all bills, food etc etc

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 16:33

I just don't know why people say men should live rent-free. If they were paying rent before, why should that stop just because you've paid off your mortgage? It nearly killed me at times paying my mortgage - I'd be fucked if someone thought they could live here for nothing.

UserStillatLarge · 02/09/2021 16:38

A fair share towards bills and food and everything else that is shared would be reasonable. The mortgage is the same cost regardless.

You do see an awful lot of threads on MN from women who moved in with a man who owned the house, the relationship broke down and they now have nothing. So Imo OPs friend's partner should be putting aside the money he saves by not paying rent with a view to buying his own place OR a joint property down the line. That way he's also protected if the relationship breaks down.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2021 17:00

@HollowTalk

I just don't know why people say men should live rent-free. If they were paying rent before, why should that stop just because you've paid off your mortgage? It nearly killed me at times paying my mortgage - I'd be fucked if someone thought they could live here for nothing.

You killed yourself to pay it but now have a considerable asset. That's why you do it. The boyfriend is paying for a place to live, yes, but IMO either you have the BF pay for the house, in which case he starts to have a share, or you settle that there are no housing costs. Because there aren't.

Otherwise he's paying for you to accumulate cash, which seems wrong.

Meruem · 02/09/2021 17:17

I personally would charge a level of “rent” to go into a household fund for repairs, replacement of things like white goods etc. A friend of mine was similar to the OPs friend and just took a small contribution for bills from her partner. She was then lumbered with all household costs while he saved up and bought himself a brand new car (while she was driving an old banger!). Posters are saying “he’s a partner not a lodger” so he needs to contribute to a contingency fund for all the additional expenses that can occur. Or he can just pay rent like a lodger and have the other stuff covered via that.

TiredButDancing · 02/09/2021 17:33

@Meruem

I personally would charge a level of “rent” to go into a household fund for repairs, replacement of things like white goods etc. A friend of mine was similar to the OPs friend and just took a small contribution for bills from her partner. She was then lumbered with all household costs while he saved up and bought himself a brand new car (while she was driving an old banger!). Posters are saying “he’s a partner not a lodger” so he needs to contribute to a contingency fund for all the additional expenses that can occur. Or he can just pay rent like a lodger and have the other stuff covered via that.

yes. this. Also what @HollowTalk said. I honestly can't understand why it's so hard.

And yet, when women move in with men, they're always told they absolutely must "pay their way".

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/09/2021 17:34

How well off is she to forgo this money?

OK she may not 'need' it, but then neither does he, if he's paid twice as much as she it...

No.. He needs to pay rent/ whatever... And à proper amount.

Otherwise he's benefitting from living with her, to the tune of what 12k a year?? For every year he lives with her...so after 5 years he's saved /spent an extra 60k. So it's THE SAME AS IF SHE WROTE A CHECK AND GIFTED HIM 60K. (obvs situation is différént if they're saving jointly).

And also were she not mortgage free he would be expected not to live rent free....
So he's benefitting from her hard previous work /inheritance /whatever?

Aprilx · 02/09/2021 17:39

I would charge a friend rent if they moved in with me, even if I were mortgage free (hypothetically that is, I would never opt for such an arrangement). But a partner no. I would only start living with somebody if we had decided to share our lives and were planning marriage, therefore no, I would not take rent off my partner.