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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend's partner taking advantage of her?

41 replies

EnidSpyton · 02/09/2021 15:27

A very good friend of mine is making arrangements for her new partner to move in within the next couple of months.

She owns her house, mortgage free.

She's not asked her partner for any contribution other than 'a bit' towards bills. She says because she's not got a mortgage she doesn't think it's fair to ask him for anything. He apparently hasn't offered to pay anything either due to sharing the opinion that she's mortgage free so she doesn't 'need' the money. For context, he earns more than twice as much as she does. He's not short on cash.

I was a bit about all this when she told me. In my mind he should be paying her rent. I can't shake the feeling that she's being taken advantage of here. If I moved in with a partner who already had their own home, I would insist on paying my way.

I know it's not my relationship and it's not my place to interfere, but it has just raised a bit of a red flag for me. Interested to hear others' thoughts. Does this sound like a fair arrangement to you?

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/09/2021 17:40

Also for the posters saying ré having a claim on the house..
Presumably if it were set up as a tenancy where he paid £1k monthly he wouldn't.

Women are very good at agreeing with men, where men are loftily saying they contribute 'a bit toward bills', thus essentially screwing the woman out of tens of thousands here potentially a year....

SunbathingDragon · 02/09/2021 17:44

If it’s an arrangement that works for them and they are both happy with it, I don’t see the issue. Presumably they are moving in together as they see a long term future with each other, so finances will end up being combined to some extent anyway.

abstractprojection · 02/09/2021 18:01

He should pay rent, he has no claim on the house unless they are married in which case he has a claim regardless of if he pays rent or not. Make a lodgers agreement to be safe.

However she got the house mortgage free (worked for it, inherited it) it wasn’t to provide men who earn twice her salary with rent free long term accommodation.

If she does this it should equalise the amount of disposable income and savings between them, meaning a more equal relationship

Also things to think about…

Who pays for repairs, maintenance, wear and tear, replacing appliances etc. She could end up paying for these by herself as ‘her property, her responsibility’ leaving her with even less.

Who pays for nights out and holidays? Considering the difference in disposable income will she be left not able to ‘afford her half’ and left to his charity or even ‘owe’ him money despite providing free housing and covering the lions share of related costs

abstractprojection · 02/09/2021 18:02

*Or cohabitation agreement

IM0GEN · 02/09/2021 18:12

She should see a solicitor ( on her own ) to get legal advice. She should probably get him to sign a cohabitation agreement.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/09/2021 18:16

I think it’s nothing to do with you, however you’ve asked and No I don’t believe he should be paying her rent but should help towards household bills etc..

TillyTopper · 02/09/2021 18:17

If it was me I don't think I'd charge him - to be honest it depends on what he brings to the relationship. I did live with a guy where I rented the apartment, he paid nothing. Honestly he brought so much to the relationship and was struggling to start his own business I wasn't bothered.

burnoutbabe · 02/09/2021 18:32

I don't Charge my other half anything since he moved into my paid for flat.

We share food and the bills for elec /council tax etc.

No risk he ca be claim anything off me if he leaves but he has had a good deal for 11 years!

Susannahmoody · 02/09/2021 18:41

How will she get him out of the house when they split up??

burnoutbabe · 02/09/2021 18:41

And there are plenty of legal cases where men have claimed a share of houses, I studied it in equity law last year (of married the house is dealt with under divorce laws)

It's hard to claim a a share if not on the deeds but it's not impossible.

And yes my other half has been given £60k gift but he can use that to put in when /if we buy together next time.

mewkins · 02/09/2021 18:45

I would set up a proper tenancy and charge rent to him. He will be saving huge amounts by living with her and she should benefit from that as much as he will.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 19:05

No, @MrsTerryPratchett - if he lived elsewhere he'd be paying rent. Why shouldn't he pay rent now, just because he's sleeping with the landlady?

There's so much more wear and tear on everything in the house if two people live there. Who's going to pay to replace things?

I'd be embarrassed to live at someone's house without paying anything towards the upkeep as well as bills. Even if these guys said they'd pay all bills and food costs, that would be something.

Fairyliz · 02/09/2021 19:29

But if he wasn’t living with her he would have to pay rent/mortgage so surely he should pay something?
If say average rent near her would be £800 then a fair amount would be £400 rent and half of bills. That way they are both better off by £400.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2021 20:18

@mewkins

I would set up a proper tenancy and charge rent to him. He will be saving huge amounts by living with her and she should benefit from that as much as he will.

Don't do this. Evicting a tenant is a nightmare.

burnoutbabe · 02/09/2021 20:31

Also they can't be a tenant as the landlord Also lives there. At best a licensee with minimal rights.

Original poster

EnidSpyton · 02/09/2021 22:21

@abstractprojection

He should pay rent, he has no claim on the house unless they are married in which case he has a claim regardless of if he pays rent or not. Make a lodgers agreement to be safe.

However she got the house mortgage free (worked for it, inherited it) it wasn’t to provide men who earn twice her salary with rent free long term accommodation.

If she does this it should equalise the amount of disposable income and savings between them, meaning a more equal relationship

Also things to think about…

Who pays for repairs, maintenance, wear and tear, replacing appliances etc. She could end up paying for these by herself as ‘her property, her responsibility’ leaving her with even less.

This is my thinking too, @abstractprojection, but I'm interested to see so many people thinking differently.

The way I see it is that she's worked bloody hard to pay off a mortgage and made many sacrifices along the way to now basically give her boyfriend a free ride. The money he saves from not renting will be enormous and that will create a huge gulf between them in the amount of disposable income they each have. He doesn't pay more than half for anything that they do and I just see it in general as him using her to enable him to save money and pay off his debts. The money he's saving is not going into a pot to enable them to buy something else further down the line or do anything together. It's simply lining his pockets.

Personally if I were in her position, I'd be charging him an amount every month for a sinking fund for longer term repairs/maintenance, as well as exactly half of all bills.

But it's interesting that so many people think differently and would happily let their partner live with them rent free. If my partner were doing that, I'd expect him to be contributing more in other ways - i.e. the money he was saving on rent being saved towards a joint future purchase. Piggybacking on a partner's years of scrimping and saving to enable you to squirrel away money for yourself just doesn't seem right to me.

But it's not my relationship and I'm not planning on getting involved. I just wanted to check if this was an unusual set up and if I was right to feel worried by it. It seems most people think this is fine, however, and not something to be concerned about in terms of her being abused financially, and so I will pull down the red flag.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts!

OP posts:

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