Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to navigate NC when you don't want to outright tell them to leave you alone?

45 replies

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 09:05

I have a relative who makes me quite anxious and I don't want to speak to them. Nothing huge has happened, it's a build up of things over the years and i just find them incredibly draining. They can be unpredictable, interfering, trouble causing and just too much hard work for me to want to engage with them.

Whenever I see a missed call from them it triggers my anxiety and I think "Oh god, what could they want now"

The problem is they're close with family members I do want to keep a relationship with, so how do I navigate this?

I want them to stop trying to call me, as even seeing their number pop up in my missed calls sets me on edge. I did have their number blocked but can still see when they try to call.

I never call them or answer the phone anymore but they don't get the message.

OP posts:

Chicchicchicchiclana · 02/09/2021 09:09

You hope they turn into a mind reader I guess.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 02/09/2021 09:10

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You hope they turn into a mind reader I guess.

I agree with this, sorry.

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 09:12

Wouldn't most people get the hint after a while? I certainly wouldn't keep trying to contact somebody who clearly didn't want to speak to me, personally.

Looks like I have to have an awkward conversation then

OP posts:

DotDotDotDot · 02/09/2021 09:13

Well if you still need to maintain some form of relationship with them, but just want the phone calls to stop, and you don't want to actually tell them to stop calling, I think all you can do is to change your number and don't give them your new number. Also block them on social media.

With some people, just ignoring them and hoping they get the message doesn't tend to work. Their skin is too thick.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/09/2021 09:13

block the number?

PepsiHoover · 02/09/2021 09:17

@Yippiee6632

Wouldn't most people get the hint after a while? I certainly wouldn't keep trying to contact somebody who clearly didn't want to speak to me, personally.

Looks like I have to have an awkward conversation then

It's a bit different when it's family. They feel moraly obliged to keep in contact.

Is it something that you can allow them an hour of your time once a week. Call them at the same time on the same day every week. Keep the chat light. Then block them for the rest of the time?

I'm kind of at this stage with my family now. I don't really want to engage much beyond that.

IDontDrinkTea · 02/09/2021 09:17

I think you need to tell them. Even if you changed your number, there’s nothing stopping them asking another member of your family for it.

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 09:21

The problem with her is the more you engage the more she calls, before I made the decision to distance myself she would sometimes call 2-3 times a day.

I'm due to have a baby next month which I deliberately kept from her because of her interfering and judgemental ways, but now my mum has let slip about that and she knows, she'll feel entitled to quiz me about it and I just don't want to get into it with her.

Ideally she would just forget I existed. Logically I probably need to address it head on.

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 02/09/2021 09:27

Who is it? Your aunt,granny,sister?
Either way you have the awkward conversation ahead- “stop calling me so often as you’re disturbing me”. Don’t answer the phone .
If your mother or any other flying moneys keep pestering you about her they need to be told to back off as well. So what if they get upset.
You need peace and quiet not and not being harassed by family members.
You don’t have to answer any questions either. You’re an adult and don’t have to explain or justify anything to anybody.

FrenchBoule · 02/09/2021 09:28

*flying monkeys not moneys
*peace and quiet now

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 02/09/2021 09:31

@Yippiee6632

Wouldn't most people get the hint after a while? I certainly wouldn't keep trying to contact somebody who clearly didn't want to speak to me, personally.

Looks like I have to have an awkward conversation then

You would think so but no. The only way to guarantee someone knows how you feel and what you want is to tell them

Bonheurdupasse · 02/09/2021 09:49

There must be a way to block someone in such a way that you don’t even see their attempts to call.
A targeted “do not disturb” perhaps?

HyggeTygge · 02/09/2021 09:54

Just ghosting someone is really rude and can be confusing and disorienting for the other person. Just say you want to take a break from contacting them ffs. No-one's a mindreader and to me, a relative who I thought I had a good relationship with, not picking up my calls wouldn't instantly indicate they didn't want to hear from me.

Ghosting is cowardly and dishonest unless there's clearly been a reason for a disagreement etc.

ActonSquirrel · 02/09/2021 09:56

You can mute notifications on just about anything. Text. WhatsApp. Calls.

Mute them if you don't want to block. You just won't get any notifications unless you physically look

fruitbrewhaha · 02/09/2021 10:01

Tell them?

"I find you too judgemental and interfering it does my head in, we are obviously very different people who don't gel"

"I find my life a lot easier without you in it"

"I'm not going to discuss it further"

Then block. Maybe fill in another family member.

DontBeAHaterDear · 02/09/2021 10:20

I think you need to have a conversation with this person before you cut them out entirely. Of course it’s awkward and stressful, but it’s no more awkward and stressful every time they call you and you don’t answer. At least if you have the conversation and they still continue to call you very often you won’t feel guilty if you block them (if you do choose to go that route).

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 10:28

It's my aunt.

We had a good relationship when I was younger but the dynamics didn't shift once I became an adult myself, she still talks to me and thinks of me as the 'baby' of the family and can be very patronising. It's like she doesn't take me seriously as a mother, or an adult woman and it's incredibly frustrating.

I have pulled her up on things several times but it never makes a difference, she's still as intrusive and interfering as ever, it's just who she is.

I don't want to upset her but have no desire to maintain a close relationship these days as I'm a completely different person now and we clash.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 10:34

To give some insight into how intrusive and inappropriate she can be, she thought it was perfectly ok to drop by into my ex partners place of work to see him and say hello despite the fact I have no contact with him at all and haven't for years.

Because she viewed us as close (me and her) and because she liked my ex partner at the time, in her mind it was a totally normal thing to do.

It caused me nothing but embarrassment, not least because the bloke is now married and the last thing he wants is an exes auntie dropping in to say hello. It looked as though it was orchestrated by me.

I told her it was inappropriate and not to do it again but she refused to see the issue.

I had a similar issue with my neighbour who I'm purely cordial with, she latched on to him and started asking him for lifts to places because she doesn't drive. I only know the bloke as a neighbour but because we say hello, she thinks she can befriend him.

I had something in dispute with the local council, she took it upon herself to start writing letters to them on my behalf.

It's like I'm always on edge wondering what she's going to do next iykwim.

It's just too much. Far too much.

There are mental health problems at play, but alot of it is personality.

OP posts:

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 02/09/2021 10:39

I think you need to tell her, once, politely but decisively, and then block all notifications from her.

If you can't face talking to her about it, maybe a letter setting it all out clearly.

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 10:41

I do agree I need to face it head on and say something, I just feel it will make no difference as she doesn't see a problem with any of her behaviour and it'll be received as me being nasty for no reason.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 02/09/2021 10:50

I agree with the other posters but I also think you need to tell your mum that if she continues to divulge personal information to her that you will be left with no option but to go very low contact with her too and they will both be put immediately on a 'Need to know" basis. If they don't need to know something, according to you, they won't be told.

Perhaps if there was a way to explain the dropping in on a former partner/boyfriend being so unacceptable but in terms/situations that she might 'get' (I do realise that you shouldn't have to do this but sometimes needs must), then that's what I'd do.

As for her phoning now, you could just say "Thanks for the interest. We're not taking any calls from any family members at present. We just want to be left alone for the time being so that we can make whatever necessary adjustments are needed and when we feel the time is right, we'll be in touch." Then stop being in touch. If they phone you can say that you're still not ready yet and you'll be in touch when you are. Broken record.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/09/2021 10:50

Also, stop telling her stuff.

Sicario · 02/09/2021 10:51

The trouble with people like your aunt is that they cannot, or will not, respect boundaries. Your description of feeling triggered whenever you see her name is a very real indicator of how you feel about her. She does not bring anything to your life except stress. It's okay to cut some people out of your life.

If you try to explain to her why you do not want her to contact you, she will more than likely try to talk you around and make you feel guilty. "Oh you're being silly" and stuff like that.

When trying to go low contact (or even no contact) you will come up against resistance, particularly with family members. Please do look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). The "out of the fog" website is a good place to start.

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. If you want to go LC/NC, then just do it. Block her from contacting you and if anyone tries to make you feel bad about it, either ignore them, or if you have to say something, perhaps "I'm sorry but she does my head in and I just don't want to be dealing with her any more." End of story.

Don't worry about people thinking you're "nasty". Let them think what they want. It's your life, your choice, and nobody else's business.

Good luck and stick to your guns!

handslikecowstits · 02/09/2021 10:54

it'll be received as me being nasty for no reason

You need to stop caring about this. I have had to cut off family members and because I'm always seen as the bad guy they have drawn the conclusion that I'm at fault. I have to accept this and move on.

What does your mother think of your aunt? Is she supportive or is she a wimp about this issue and has a 'what can you do' attitude? If it's the latter and she refuses to get on board then you will have to severely limit what you tell her.

HyggeTygge · 02/09/2021 10:59

How on earth did you think someone like that would understand that you not answering means you want to stop contact? Of course they're not "getting the message". They don't seem like the kind of person that would pick up on such subtleties.

Just message her something polite but unequivocally clear and don't get into any blame game.

Flip

1 2