Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to navigate NC when you don't want to outright tell them to leave you alone?

45 replies

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 09:05

I have a relative who makes me quite anxious and I don't want to speak to them. Nothing huge has happened, it's a build up of things over the years and i just find them incredibly draining. They can be unpredictable, interfering, trouble causing and just too much hard work for me to want to engage with them.

Whenever I see a missed call from them it triggers my anxiety and I think "Oh god, what could they want now"

The problem is they're close with family members I do want to keep a relationship with, so how do I navigate this?

I want them to stop trying to call me, as even seeing their number pop up in my missed calls sets me on edge. I did have their number blocked but can still see when they try to call.

I never call them or answer the phone anymore but they don't get the message.

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/09/2021 11:05

I agree ghosting would be nasty and cowardly if you.
So you have to talk to her and then gently disengage. I’m not sure NC is good because of the backlash you’d get from other family members. Maybe LC is a good compromise.

Is your aunt lonely, alone a lot? It sounds like her intentions are good, but that she has too much time on her hands and she does do some odd things. Perhaps join a book club with her, and then when baby arrives you leave the book club, but she stays. Try and increase her social network so she is busier and has less time to bother or interfere with you.

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 11:16

She shouldn't be that lonely as she sees alot of other relatives and has friends, she's just very family oriented and wants everybody to be up one anothers backsides. She doesn't like it when people splinter off and do their own thing, like I have after having DC. My other cousin has nothing to do with her so alot of the focus returns to me.

I don't want to be cruel or upset her I just don't like the way contact with her makes me feel, all anxious and on edge.

OP posts:

TartanJumper · 02/09/2021 11:20

@Yippiee6632

Wouldn't most people get the hint after a while? I certainly wouldn't keep trying to contact somebody who clearly didn't want to speak to me, personally.

Looks like I have to have an awkward conversation then

No, some people just don't and you need to be direct with them

GinIronic · 02/09/2021 11:27

You will need to be cruel and nasty to get through her thick skin.

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 11:35

I'll say something, thanks ladies.

Just dreading it. Ugh.

She has outright blamed me for a decline in her MH in the past, citing the fact I hadn't been to visit her (I had a newborn baby ffs)

She totally disregarded the fact that she herself chose to stop taking her medication. It was all my fault for being a shitty relative. That's the sort of thing I'm up against.

I can't escape it whatever I do because she's joined at the hip with my mum who I do want a relationship with.

OP posts:

PinkGiraffe1 · 02/09/2021 11:46

Could your mum say something to her? Are they close?

Original poster

Yippiee6632 · 02/09/2021 11:47

@PinkGiraffe1

Could your mum say something to her? Are they close?

They are yes.

Come to think of it mum has said something before, she asked her to stop calling me so much as I had alot on, she didn't listen.

She doesn't listen to anybody she's a law unto herself

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 02/09/2021 14:26

You are not responsible for her mental health any more than the stranger in the street would be.
She is not taking responsibility for her actions - in a nutshell.

Her mental health declines - she isn't taking her medication - not your issue to resolve, it's up to her.

She clearly doesn't accept or take responsibility for her actions (either positive or negative) so she blames everyone else for the fallout from her actions.

I'd talk with the other cousin who doesn't speak with her and find out how she did it! There may have been words said but better to know and be prepared than have something sprung on you unexpectedly.

Boulshired · 02/09/2021 14:37

I think you do need to prepare yourself for the aftermath. Going NC with a family member does have consequences. The person who initiates can find themselves excluded even if they have done nothing wrong. For many it is worth it but go into this with eyes fully wide open.

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 15:29

I want them to stop trying to call me, as even seeing their number pop up in my missed calls sets me on edge. I did have their number blocked but can still see when they try to call.

You can't change the behaviour without having a discussion that you (understandably) don't want to have, or repercussions that you don't want to deal with.

So what you need to do instead is adjust your mindset.
Keep this person blocked, & when their number comes up, think how much more 'on edge' you'd be feeling if you actually answered the call.
Then don't answer the call, & feel all the lovely relief.
And continue just never answering the calls.
The edgy feeling you get when you see their number will soon diminish when you have given yourself permission not to respond to it, ever again.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 02/09/2021 15:39

She's taking up a lot of space in your head. I think saying something then blocking properly is the only answer. Even if it's just "I need done space from you and I'll get in touch if/when that changes"

But you've also got to move on from this. Enforce your boundaries and block properly. I'm not sure how youre blocking but all mobiles/apps don't tell you if they ring, if you block them. It doesn't connect the call.

Cantsayusername · 02/09/2021 15:58

OP you don't need to say anything to your Aunt. You said she won't listen and it will make no difference anyway, so what value? It will just set her off as you fear. Why cause upset when you can just be too busy and unavailable.

Don't tell her anything. Make sure your mum stops telling her anything of interest about you, (or to anyone else that might pass news onto her), like problems with council etc.
Have a word with others to never pass on any issues you might discuss "as Aunt tends to take it upon herself to interfere"

You can Leave her phone number blocked. It will still go to voicemail , you can choose to listen to it or delete it.

At family get togethers, don't sit near her ever. Say Hi and move away when at family events. Even if it's a "gotta pop to the loo" , "must go chat to cousin/ see to the children"... then don't return and just keep moving away from her.

It might take years for it to sink in but she'll get used to the new dynamic.

If she broaches it (eg Aunt: "I hardly see you, we used to be close") you can reply with a bit of honesty "I'm an adult now with a busy life, young children and my own friends... you don't need to tell me what to do like you did when I was little"

I don't see why you have to have anything that might feel like a confrontation or even say something blunt, when really you could just manage it as LC and No phone calls.

UrgentHelpforFriend · 02/09/2021 16:06

Pepsi hoover are you for real??

Give someone who gives you anxiety an hour of your time each week???

UrgentHelpforFriend · 02/09/2021 16:07

I'm afraid I'd start to get crisp and honest.

BradleyCooperwillbemine · 02/09/2021 16:20

I'm with Cantsayusername. Ignore, ignore, ignore and eventually she will get the message. You will have to get over you anxiety about seeing her number. There is absolutely nothing to be gained about speaking to her, just let it slide. Its not that complicated.

AnImposter · 02/09/2021 16:36

You're not the niece of the aunt who posted a massive thread the other day who is wondering why she's been ignored are you?

Seriously tho, good luck to you, life is much nicer if you can cut out the negativity x

Hemingwaycat · 02/09/2021 16:40

People get the hint after a while I think. If you stop opening messages for example and definitely stop responding. I’d mute them or even block the number. It’s the easiest way if you don’t want confrontation.

Dangermouse5 · 03/09/2021 16:12

@BradleyCooperwillbemine

This ^

I agree. No sense of setting up a blunt talk that won't fix anything, having been tried in various ways before to someone that doesn't take a hint.

There is no rule that says you have to answer your aunts phonecalls nor sit next to her. I go busy and vague when I don't want to talk to someone that annoys me.

It's amazing how many little jobs you just must do, or people I need to talk to , when I am avoiding someone. I wouldn't say to them "I don't want to talk to you, you're pompous and interfering" (or whatever it is that annoys me) but I won't stay listening to critical negative talk from someone I don't want to listen to.

That's the beauty of being an adult in a social setting. You don't have to worry about what other people think if you if you want to duck and dive them!

Dangermouse5 · 03/09/2021 16:17

I'm also of the view when someone annoys you by trying to boss you around, and won't be told to pack it in, it's a great idea to develop short term memory loss. Pretend you didn't hear and move away as soon as you can!

I have a little song I sing to myself in my head when I'm drowning out someone droning on in a social setting, that I have no interest in listening to. If you watch me, you'll see a slight smile on my face and micro bopping movements It makes me look like I am about to leave or need the loo, but it works...

Dangermouse5 · 03/09/2021 16:24

(As I got older, you have to watch for my feet twitching to the little song! They are the only bit I can't seem to control)

Flip

1 2