Are all kids like this?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Do all kids play up for their mums but act like little angels with everyone else? My mum is constantly saying how great they are with her but it couldn’t be further from the truth at home, for example if I brush my dds hair she will scream the place down but if my mum said she did it at her house she will say she say nicely and didn’t have any trouble at all another example dd is out of nappies but doesn’t really use the toilet at home and keeps having accidents but my mum will say she uses the toilet fine at hers and never any issues? Older dd needs constant supervision as she tends to wonder off otherwise when out again apparently that never happens when she’s with my mum, Another one is my son won’t sleep with the light off at home apparently fine at her house?! I could go on all day! But you get the message, aibu to wonder if this is normal?

I agree with most of the reasoning above but is there a grain of truth? If your daughter refuses to use the toilet at home and is therefore weeing everywhere, but uses the toilet elsewhere, that's not ok and they're not accidents, if she continues you put her back in nappies until she's old enough not to be

It’s definitely a thing, my toddler went through a throwing/tantruming phase (thankfully now over!) but when I mentioned it to nursery they looked at my blankly and said they couldn’t imagine him behaving like that, he was always lovely. Which is good of course - frustrating though! I think it’s because they feel safe at home so it’s where they learn, through pushing boundaries.

Grandma only has them for 1 day at a time. She’s had several days to plan activities, get food in and organised etc. She can put most of her own needs and chores on hold and give the kids undivided attention. This is not comparable to parenting. It’s different from the perspective of both the child and the adult. I wouldn’t try comparing it unless your DM takes them for 2 full weeks for you!

@PumpkinKlNG

Oh to add she says it’s just because I’m not strict enough

Does she now.

And what are the chances that, from someone who enjoys bragging that your parenting style is inadequate compared to theirs, that much of this is exaggerated so that she 'wins' the effective parenting competition?

Take it with a pinch of salt OP, & YES, most kids behave better for occasional caregivers than their own parents. You are their safe boundary, that's why they know they can push at you.

Don't let this worry you in the slightest - & maybe don't labour the point with your mum in future. People who trot out the "not strict enough" trope a generally doing it to point-score, not help.

Totally normal. Everyone is convinced DD is the calmest, sweetest, most well behaved child - because she saves her shrieking tantrums for home.

My friend is married to someone from a different country. They have one child. My friend's mother decided to learn her SILs language so he'd feel more comfortable. My friends father did not. My friend's child is bilingual and right from when they were learning to speak, they knew which grandparent to speak which language to. They could switch between languages according to who was in the room.
I think children learn very quickly how to behave with different people. They know what the rules are in different places. If the rules and discipline are consistent, they have no problems following them.

@TwoLeftElbows

Yeah, my autistic child is allegedly "fine" (ie not autistic or stressed out) with my mum. Any traits that were identified by the multidisciplinary panel who diagnosed him are either imaginary, or are temporary and exist only due to our poor parenting style.

Neither of our children go there anymore.

Left, I can only begin to imagine the rage & frustration of being undermined like this over a presumably fairly lengthy time. So, so glad you took the path of least resistance & fucked 'em off re: childcare at least.

Never ceases to amaze me how some people are suddenly more knowledgeable then a paediatrician about special needs kids ...

My dc ( now pre-teens) have always behaved like angels when with my mil.
She takes it as a sign that they are happy and comfortable when she has them at her house ( usually once a week since they were babies but less now as they are getting older).
I however know that it's because they don't feel like they can completely relax and be fully themselves when they are there.
At home with me they know that they can just let go, shout, scream, bicker and generally decompress ( which they do when they return home).

My parents did a few months of occasional childcare for me with my 2 DDs whilst my siblings were at home on furlough. According to my parents they were always angels and never any problem at all. My brother and sister were far more honest and told me when they’d been playing up.

I think with mine it’s a combination of them thinking their grandchildren can do no wrong, not wanting me to think they can’t cope and my mom in particular likes to make out that she knows exactly what she’s doing as she was some sort of super mom, but I remember what a nightmare my brother was for her.

I just say ‘oh okay that’s great’ now and ignore it.

I’m not sure if the things you describe are “naughty” anyway.

Brushing long hair can be painful - does she want it short? Would a spray help to take out any tangles?

Toilet training simply does involve some accidents. Small kids wander off absentmindedly if you don’t keep an eye. And falling asleep with the light on is just a preference, surely?

Grandma only has them for 1 day at a time. She’s had several days to plan activities, get food in and organised etc. She can put most of her own needs and chores on hold and give the kids undivided attention. This is not comparable to parenting.

^^
This as well though.

Sounds normal. The time to worry is when they're badly behaved outside of the home.

My 4 year olds teacher told me she's "a little angel", helps with everything in class, kind to everyone etc. Yet if I ask her to put her shoes on so we can get to school it's like a scene from the exorcist.
It's not you. Kids are better behaved for others. Just the way it is.

When I was about 4 I washed my neighbour's son's hair. We couldn't reach the sink so he put his head in the toilet and I flushed.

Normally it took both his parents to pin him down while he screamed.

Small children are

a) nuts

b) capable of Jekyll and Hyde type behaviour.

If your mum IS strict then it may be that she is nor totally 'at home' with her grandparents.

@sashh. Maybe ops daughter would feel more 'at home' at her grandmother's, if her GM stuck her head in the toilet and flushed. Maybe op should suggest it to her mother.

Agree with pp's - the fact that they know how to behave with your mum suggests that you're doing a good job and your hard work and stress is paying off. Add that to grandparent denial embellishment and you get your mum's response. Just smile and nod, that's what I do now. I'm glad my children are comfortable enough to push boundaries with me (I was well behaved out of fear as a child) albeit a bit frustrating!

One thing that does confuse me about my youngest though - they say that night wetting isn't learned, they're dry in the night when their body is ready. DS (5) is soaked through his pull ups every morning at home, yet he's bone dry in the morning when sleeping at my mums (corroborated by DDs 9&6). Same bedtime routine and roughly same bedtimes, it's very odd

From my experience with my SD, her grandmother has more success with her behaviour because she's just more 'no nonsense'.

She doesn't get into all this bargaining that her parents do to get her to do almost everything, and she doesn't mind if SD starts grizzling and moaning, whereas both her parents tend to give up at that point and let her have her own way.

But in general I think kids always behave better for people who aren't their parents, because they don't feel as secure or that they can behave however they like safely. They know they are on safe ground with their parents.

@edwardcullensotherwoman - that is very interesting. Have you asked the GP about it? The only other thing I can think of is do they deny him drinks before bed and perhaps he's allowed them at home?

So what you're all saying is, if you want your children to behave better at home, you need to make them feel a little less secure?

@50ShadesOfCatholic I haven't spoken to gp but he's got a paed appt next week (unrelated) so I'll mention it there, thanks.
Interesting point on drinks, I know they have supper before bed there like they do at home (a cup of milk and a piece of toast or a waffle) but it could be that my mum gives less milk, I will check, thanks for the suggestion

@Haywirecity

So what you're all saying is, if you want your children to behave better at home, you need to make them feel a little less secure?

Yep, pretty much

Yes it is normal. You could be the strictest parent in the world, and I bet they'd still manage to show better behaviour for grandparents and others.

You just have to think of yourself at home, you have a level of comfort that you wouldn't use elsewhere. Like if I had a bottle of water and finished, I'd stick it on the table beside me until I next go to the kitchen. In someone else's home, I'd be straight to the bin as soon as I'd finished.

When my kids were younger and be better behaved for grandparents, I'd be screaming inside, but at the same time it shows how much they listen, even when it feels like they don't. If they truly didn't listen, then they'd be the same everywhere and your mother really would be having to put her foot down.

@edwardcullensotherwoman
Haywirecity
So what you're all saying is, if you want your children to behave better at home, you need to make them feel a little less secure?

Yep, pretty much 🙂

I'm off to write a revolutionary childcare book. 😉

OP,
From above it can be normal for some people to experience this.
I didn't.

Is there a grain of truth to what your mother says?
If so, start being less soft, firm up with them.
It really is in your own best interest.

I found prompting my children before we went anywhere about not wandering off helpful.

Children can be terrorists that can smell weakness.

They need to know that YOU are boss.
This can be done kindly, but firmly.

My daughters have come home from a couple of playdates over the years, genuinely shocked at how at how a couple of classmates spoke to their parents, REALLY disrespectfully.

I definitely recall the lovely mothers telling me what wonderfully behaved girls I had.

Now my girls are great, but the truth is I would never take being screamed at by my child and my kids know it, but I have of course had to remind them to watch their tone with me at times!!
Same with my boys.

So these things grow over time.

As I heard someone once say "if you can't control your 5 year old, how the hell do you imagine you will manage a 15 year old.

Start as you mean to go, because even doing a good job I feel when they were young, the teen years can be challenging.

They need to respect you and believe that you will follow through with boundaries.

You sound like a lovely mum doing a great job.

They’re scared of your mum.

She is undermining you and making you feel awful.

You are questioning your behaviour and despite (presumably) having judged what is the best way to behave to your children you are considering changing how you behave rather than experience her criticism. Your children have already caved under her treatment and are not “themselves” when she is there. Perhaps she makes them feel like shit too? Perhaps you are the “good mother” who’s child can tell her when hair brushing hurts and who can play deeply without constantly worrying that they might need the loo?

Be kind to your children and be kind to yourself. I wouldn’t invite conversations about how you choose to parent from someone who seems to be parenting YOU in a way that doesn’t raise you up but instead shames and belittles.