To be considering not to bother with nursery?

[Blue5098]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and feeling a bit fed up with the nursery run beginning again next week. I don't need the childcare as I'm a SAHM but felt under pressure to put DS in for two days a week as people were raving about how great it would be for him, socialization is important etc. He has autism and an EHCP, lined up for a special needs school next year.

I suffer from insomnia and the last thing I need in the final weeks leading up to giving birth is having to get up and rush about in the mornings irrespective of how many times I've been up in the night. He has to be there by 9am and It's also a fair distance.

WIBU to be considering just not bothering with nursery on account that I don't actually need the childcare or is that selfish of me? He hasn't really missed it over the holidays.

I work nights and always get DS ready and do the school run before going to bed. I of course look a state and we are always running late but we get there. I just wonder if it was you that worked nights and not DH whether it would be quite as acceptable for you to sleep late and not contribute to the morning rush?

I think that nursery is great for getting them ready for school. Plus having somewhere to keep consistent for him when the baby arrives will be great. However I totally get what you mean, we annoyingly had afternoons and it kind of meant I spent my whole day getting him ready for nursery and to nursery and picking him up from nursery. Often if we were out with friends in the morning id drop him late or cancel him if we were having fun. I kind of felt like it was our last year together hanging out and it wasn't mandatory so if I wanted to keep him at home one day I would.

Agree with BoredZelda. I used to work with a nursery that had VERY regimented start/finish times - they would turn children who arrived 10 minutes late away! However they did allow late starts for children with SEN. You need to push this point with them.

@Hercisback

Could you use nursery as the impetus to get ds sleep routine shifted? That may help long term too.

It's certainly something I could try, I'm just struggling a bit with my own lack of sleep at the moment and I know from bitter experience that attempting to enforce an early bed time for DS ends in tears (for both of us)

When he goes into meltdown he exhibits alot of self harming and destructive behaviours, like head banging, charging at us and smashing things.

I'm in talks with his paediatrican about melatonin as I do recognise that when he starts school he has to be there on time and it's non negotiable.

I just don't know if late pregnancy is a good time to start enforcing and changing something that works for everybody except the nursery.

That’s bullshit. Even if it were true, it isn’t an acceptable reason to deny a late start, which is a reasonable adjustment for a child with SEN.

I completely agree with you. I then suspected that it may be to do with the funded hours.

I would send him. It's only 2 days a week. It will benefit him to have a year of nursery before starting school, the routine and social skills, otherwise I think it's a massive change to go from home all the time to school hours. It will also benefit you to have time alone with your baby.

Dd1 has ASD and she went to nursery 3 days a week even when I was on mat leave with dd2. 2 year age gap so no funding, and it cost us a fortune, but it kept my sanity. I was so tired with a newborn and autistic toddler, I couldn't have coped 5 days a week.

I just don't know if late pregnancy is a good time to start enforcing and changing something that works for everybody except the nursery.
That's a fair point.

The unpredictable nature of a newborn means that what works right now for you many not work in 8-9 weeks either.

I see what people mean about how it's important he keeps a routine, plus the benefits of having one less child in the house 2 days per week when I have a newborn.

I think I've been feeling a little selfish about it which I hold my hands up to. Insomnia is really kicking my arse at the moment and what makes it even worse is knowing I have to be awake early. It makes it even less likely that I'll get much sleep as I just lay there thinking "I have to be up in 4 hours, 3 hours now" etc.

Have you thought about asking the school for their advice? They may think nursery is essential or may think it makes no difference.

Something else I forgot to add too, the nursery closes at 4.30pm each day so it's not as though he could easily use up his hours doing just afternoons in a way that would make my life much easier.

In one sense it's a good job I don't rely on them for childcare like working mothers do. I know some parents don't get off work until 5 - 5.30 so this place definitely wouldn't work for them.

@Justajot

Have you thought about asking the school for their advice? They may think nursery is essential or may think it makes no difference.

He hasn't been accepted yet as his EHCP case manager doesn't put the request in until October.

His EHCP case manager will be in touch with me in October, as planned, to have me confirm my school of choice - which is an autism school.

I've known for the past year that i want him in this specific place which she's aware of.

She said it wouldn't be an issue and she sees no reason he wouldn't be accepted, given his diagnosis and needs.

I'll get in touch with her and see what she thinks.

With autism the routines are so important that I'd be keeping him in so that you can both cope with the transition to school.
He has to get used to being up before 9 for school and it's such a big change that being tired and unused to getting up will make it much harder.

I’ve worked in schools and nurseries both mainstream and Specialist and I think it really depends on your child and your situation. If your son gets to socialise with other children and adults at home then he might benefit from being at home longer. That said, in my experience most autistic children really do benefit from routine and structure and nursery will leave him better prepared for school the following year.

I have an ASD son (6) and an ASD/ADHD son(8), bedtimes are a fucking nightmare and can go on until midnight, ASD/ADHD son is usually up at 5/6am (i think this is due to his meds but it may not be) so I understand how shit it is to be zombified and dealing with meltdowns that you cannot just ignore in case they get hurt..
Sadly none of this is going to get easier, it will only get harder.

@lilmishap

With autism the routines are so important that I'd be keeping him in so that you can both cope with the transition to school. He has to get used to being up before 9 for school and it's such a big change that being tired and unused to getting up will make it much harder.

You are right of course.

One thing that makes it a little easier when he does go to school is that my school of choice has a bus service for the disabled pupils which collects them directly from home. That would make life so much easier for DS and of course me, as opposed to having to walk him the 1.7 miles there in the morning and then back again.

He can't walk very far by himself as he has a problem with his feet so I have to lug him about in a buggy

@lilmishap

I have an ASD son (6) and an ASD/ADHD son(8), bedtimes are a fucking nightmare and can go on until midnight, ASD/ADHD son is usually up at 5/6am (i think this is due to his meds but it may not be) so I understand how shit it is to be zombified and dealing with meltdowns that you cannot just ignore in case they get hurt.. Sadly none of this is going to get easier, it will only get harder.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you, that is my worry.. that it's only going to get worse.

Ugh

The only saving grace really is that I won't be pregnant and having to deal with that on top, after this baby is born. No more children for us.

Op I'd stick with nursery for both you getting down time even if it is a rush to get there and for your LO to get as much help as he can get. Early years are very important for SEN kids.

My youngest has bilateral talipes he was in a buggy (plaster casts/boots n bar then tiredness/aches) until 5 so I get that as well, he was heavy as fuck I had impressive biceps for a long time!! As well as all the looks and judgement you get. It is crap.
It's up to you but if I could go back in time I would have put eldest into nursery more than I did because starting school was so hard for the three of us.
I'd be staggering in the gate, he'd be screaming, flailing, punching and kicking and I had his brother in a buggy so couldn't really restrain him properly it was hell. It took about a year to get the morning routine sorted out.
I wish I'd insisted on morning nursery beforehand but I didn't know it would get so hard.
I used to lie awake at night just dreading the next day starting and I didn't want to sleep because it would make the next day come sooner.

But plenty of mums don't do nursery. There's no shame in it at all and you do have a newborn coming. This isn't a decision we can make for you

as opposed to having to walk him the 1.7 miles there in the morning and then back again

I wouldn't have done this. I'm being honest. It wouldn't have fucking happened. I'd have got halfway there and collapsed in a sobbing mess.

With that journey going on and a health issue, do you get DLA? That would cover taxis.

You have to get a bit hard when dealing with ASD, you will need help if DP isn't able or willing and you need to get into the mindset of I need help so my childs life is better so I'm getting it.

Don't expect to be able to cope alone and don't think you're 'winning' at something by not asking for insisting on getting the help you're due.

OP is your EHCP case officer the SEN liaison for your county? If they aren't, can they assist you in getting hold of them or can you contact your council and ask for them (usually called something like the Early Years SEN liaison or similar). They could help a great deal with tackling the nursery over start times, it's really really not on to point blank refuse to make adjustments for a disabled child because it 'disturbs the other children'. I've worked in many early years settings and classrooms and can say confidently that a 3 year old coming in a bit later than the rest causes no more disturbance than the rest of them wanting to say hello. Which is lovely and you have to wonder why the nursery wouldn't want them to do that if they're encouraging free flow play rather than regimented 'do not disturb' activities anyway?

With regards to starting school: yes, he will need to get used to early starts. Hopefully you can get a plan together for that with the paediatrician. If he stops nursery now is he then going to find it incredibly difficult to separate from you in September when attending school is going to be more tiring for him and his resilience is going to be lower? That would be my biggest concern. I have one autistic child and one nt child, neither of them gave a single shit whenever I left them with any group, childcarer or relative. I was pretty lucky in that regard but many find the separation very difficult and it may be that he needs to keep going now to avoid some of that stress later on. Only you can really judge that though.

When I had my second baby I had both of mine at hone initially because I had a batshit small age gap. When my oldest started going to preschool it was really really lovely to have some 1:1 time with my youngest, you just don't get to have as much with any subsequent children so that is also something that, as abstract as it might seem at the moment, you might want to bear in mind.

Don't worry about the 15 hours. You don't have to use all of them, the nursery just have to prove that you're using the amount they're claiming for you. So if over the two days with the ideal later start you end up agreeing say 5 hours per day then that's absolutely fine, they would claim back 5 hours and if they ever got audited would need to prove your DS was using these 10 hours through registers etc. What makes nurseries twitch (or should) is claiming the full hours but a child regularly missing the same day every week (for example) because that then looks like they're fiddling the claim to get more money back. But that's not for you to worry about, you just need to know that you can absolutely choose how many of your 15 hours you actually want to use and aren't tied to using them all.

Are you getting full rate dla?
If has feet issues and cannot walk at three you claim high rate mobility and get a mobility car
Get a social services assessment fir care package
Start asking early so right now you may get an hour a week but can build on that
Get onto children with disabilities team for assessment fir care
Newborn and high needs chikd eith ASD plus dp on nights means you need some help

And with sn you can probably get 30 hours nursery?

Children do not need nursery, it does them no harm but it is certainly not essential. Keeping him home and spending time with him will all help grow him into a confident boy.

Do what you need to do, neither option is selfish

@FinallyMrsE

Children do not need nursery, it does them no harm but it is certainly not essential. Keeping him home and spending time with him will all help grow him into a confident boy.

Do what you need to do, neither option is selfish

Actually a child with SEN benefits hugely AND the parent benefits as it provides respite Take any hours you can get