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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering not to bother with nursery?

73 replies

Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 22:18

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and feeling a bit fed up with the nursery run beginning again next week. I don't need the childcare as I'm a SAHM but felt under pressure to put DS in for two days a week as people were raving about how great it would be for him, socialization is important etc. He has autism and an EHCP, lined up for a special needs school next year.

I suffer from insomnia and the last thing I need in the final weeks leading up to giving birth is having to get up and rush about in the mornings irrespective of how many times I've been up in the night. He has to be there by 9am and It's also a fair distance.

WIBU to be considering just not bothering with nursery on account that I don't actually need the childcare or is that selfish of me? He hasn't really missed it over the holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 22:39

what is the child’s father doing in all this? He needs to be supporting his child more as you progress in your pregnancy.

He works nights full time and is permanently exhausted himself. He's great in general and very supportive but can't take on any more than he already is, he does do alot already.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 01/09/2021 22:41

Your partner needs to be more involved when he hasn't worked the night before.

A bus/train doing part of the journey would be preferable surely.

I agree that routine for him will be incredibly important. You could also increase his hours if needed when baby arrives.

Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 22:42

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

If he starts school next year is he 3? Is he not eligible for 30 hours, not 15?

If not eligible for 30 for income reasons you have a pretty high income - maybe you might consider it you would be able to negotiate a bit of top up fee as a voluntary contribution in return for flexibility on hours?

He's 3.5

Not entirely sure if he's eligable for 30 hours, I applied for the 15 when he was 2 and stuck with that. The nursery manager has always been keen to increase his days and urged me to look into it but I was happy with the 2 days a week and didn't want to increase regardless, so never pursued it.

We're not a particularly high income household.

OP posts:
JaffaRaf · 01/09/2021 22:43

I’d send him in to protect his routine, because the baby being born will obviously be a huge disruption to his routine and he’d benefit from having an established pre school routine. If you only send him back once’s he’s had the huge change of a new baby then it’s another huge change. I say this obviously without knowing your DC though or your plans for after the baby, there isn’t a wrong choice this is just what my thinking would be.

Hercisback · 01/09/2021 22:49

Look into 30 hours. Even if you don't use all of it. Don't underestimate how tricky a newborn and a 3yo are.

Onestep2021 · 01/09/2021 22:51

I’m confused. Are you not awake witj your son already early?
I hated having to try and look semi presentable, leave the house etc early but always found that effort was well worth it for the 6hrs of rest after.

Maybe your boy is just very easy going. My boy was relatively chilled/ able to entertain himself but still it was harder work then being alone!

My son also loved being with other kids. And helped prepare him for school.
But the benefit really showed when the baby came along though.

Hankunamatata · 01/09/2021 22:51

Would he not qualify for an sen nursery place?

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 01/09/2021 22:53

I didn’t bother sending my youngest two to nursery at all. Life was far simpler and they have grown into perfectly normal children (even the autistic one).

Peanutsandchilli · 01/09/2021 22:56

Could he do afternoons at a school nursery? There was an autistic boy in my daughter's school nursery and he had a one to one TA to support him.

Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:01

Fortunately for me DS doesn't get up until 9ish as standard, whereas on nursery days I have to get him up at 7 which he doesn't always appreciate.

Due to his autism bedtime can be an issue, if I try to put him to bed any earlier than 9.30pm he'll be up and down refusing sleep. Meltdowns.

What works for me is letting him go to bed at 10ish when he's sufficiently tired as by then and will sleep.

It's not ideal and will have to change come school starting but it works for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:02

@Hankunamatata

Would he not qualify for an sen nursery place?
There's no other provision specifically for SN children in the area. He can start at an autism school next year but not before unfortunately.
OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 01/09/2021 23:03

You might be glad of nursery when the baby is born... I wouldn't have managed without it!

Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:04

@surreygirl1987

You might be glad of nursery when the baby is born... I wouldn't have managed without it!
Quite possibly! Its something I'm trying to factor in to my deliberations.

I just really cannot be bothered with it at the moment Sad

Late pregnancy, tiredness, hormones, all playing a part no doubt.

OP posts:
BeeandG · 01/09/2021 23:10

I think to get 30hours both parents have to be working. I'd leave him in. My daughter stayed in nursery 2 days a week when I had maternity leave with my 2nd. It was good for her to maintain her routine and have something for her. If getting him there is problematic you could talk to them about dropping him later due to late pregnancy, spd etc. I'd try and keep him there as once baby arrives you may appreciate a couple of 'easier' days.

Lily78123 · 01/09/2021 23:14

You’ll be happy about the nursery once the baby is born

Embracelife · 01/09/2021 23:16

@Thatsplentyjack

No child needs to go to nursery as long as you are trying teaching him the basics, colours, numbers, some letters etc. And kids generally pick that up through everyday things anyway, and socialising him, he will be absolutely fine bring off. Do what you feel is best for you.
Children with special needs dont necessarily do this so easily. Send him to nursery. Get his dad to drop him off
Embracelife · 01/09/2021 23:18

@Blue5098

what is the child’s father doing in all this? He needs to be supporting his child more as you progress in your pregnancy.

He works nights full time and is permanently exhausted himself. He's great in general and very supportive but can't take on any more than he already is, he does do alot already.

What time does he finish the night? He could drop ds off at the end if his night then sleep
gogohm · 01/09/2021 23:19

If he has an echp already you may find that not attending nursery could cause issues if they feel you aren't meeting his developmental needs. My dd has autism and she needed preschool so much more than her dsis, it taught her routine, classroom behaviour etc plus they provided therapy there. She went 4 afternoons a week to hers because mornings were tricky.

Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:23

Even if dad was to do the drop offs I'd still need to get up early, wake DS, deal with the fallout of that (I'm expecting some meltdowns given that he's now had 6 weeks of sleeping in) get him ready etc.

Due to OH's work and sleep patterns there's no way he's going to wake up at 7am and jump into action.

Whether he should be able to is up for debate, it just doesn't work.

He could sleep through the loudest alarm by which point I'm up. Then he drifts off again.

He needs to change jobs but that's another thread in itself.

Perhaps I just need to suck it up for the sake of making life easier once baby is here. I'll give it some proper thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:24

@gogohm

If he has an echp already you may find that not attending nursery could cause issues if they feel you aren't meeting his developmental needs. My dd has autism and she needed preschool so much more than her dsis, it taught her routine, classroom behaviour etc plus they provided therapy there. She went 4 afternoons a week to hers because mornings were tricky.
I did wonder whether that may be the case. You raise a valid point. Taken on board Smile
OP posts:
NLondondiva · 01/09/2021 23:24

I would ask the nursery if he could start later (11am?) on the basis that he needs that adjustment to accommodate his additional needs (which result in difficulty sleeping therefore late waking). Could be worth asking!

Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:26

What time does he finish the night? He could drop ds off at the end if his night then sleep

He finishes at 8am, or is supposed to but rarely ever leaves work on time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blue5098 · 01/09/2021 23:28

@NLondondiva

I would ask the nursery if he could start later (11am?) on the basis that he needs that adjustment to accommodate his additional needs (which result in difficulty sleeping therefore late waking). Could be worth asking!
I did broach the subject before the summer holidays but they weren't receptive as they said it disrupts the other children. It's quite a regimented nursery in its start and finish times. They don't like random comings and goings iykwim.
OP posts:
BoredZelda · 01/09/2021 23:36

but they weren't receptive as they said it disrupts the other children

That’s bullshit. Even if it were true, it isn’t an acceptable reason to deny a late start, which is a reasonable adjustment for a child with SEN.

Hercisback · 01/09/2021 23:39

Could you use nursery as the impetus to get ds sleep routine shifted? That may help long term too.