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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have any of you regretted leaving your husband (if he was awful)?

45 replies

lemonadecar · 01/09/2021 22:15

That's it really.

I'm almost ready to leave and he has been truly awful to me, but it's so tricky because
a) it's against my usual style (just get on with things, never be the centre of gossip)
b) he is successful and charming to people outside the relationship, so it will not make sense in public
c) money worries, as I earn a lot less than him.
Oh and
d), of course, the kids. I am not so much worried about them missing out but about not being there to mitigate his crap parenting and manipulative emotional style.

Has anyone ever left someone like this and regretted it?

OP posts:
HonoreDeBallsack · 01/09/2021 22:17

I did leave such a man, and I do not regret it. However, I waited until the children were more or less old enough to be able to deal with his crap parenting and manipulative emotional style.

Original poster
lemonadecar · 01/09/2021 22:18

That's interesting @honoredeballsack, and well done. Were you very conscious to be waiting? How old is old enough for the kids, do you think? And did it work - could your kids cope?

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonadecar · 01/09/2021 22:25

I probably should have left off the poll, it doesn't make much sense in the context sorry

OP posts:
FairFuming · 01/09/2021 22:25

I recently left a man like that and I haven't been this happy in years. The kids are happy to. But he only gets supervised contact the now so I don't have to worry about him bullying the kids yet.

Original poster
lemonadecar · 01/09/2021 22:31

Well done @fairfuming

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2021 22:32

Nope. And he wasn't even that bad. Haven't been this happy for years and should have done it sooner. Kids are also happier.

MadameTuffington · 01/09/2021 22:34

Ha ha - nope - life is too short for self important arseholes 💐

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 01/09/2021 22:36

a) and b) are complete non reasons.
c) well, it’s certainly a shift having to refocus on living on one ie your own income (assuming it’d be a 50/50 childcare split) and will need some thinking about (ie have you thought about what you can afford, where you’d live etc) but staying with him because of money is not a good idea for anyone’s mental health or future happiness.
d) you can’t control his parenting.

changeyourname11111 · 01/09/2021 22:37

I left someone like this too and don’t regret it at all.

Takeoutyourhen · 01/09/2021 22:38

Sounds familiar and no regrets here whatsoever. However the issues don’t always go away even when separated and co-parenting but reminds you that you made the best decision 💐

RoseMartha · 01/09/2021 22:41

I also left a man like this and do not regret it.

What I do regret is agonising over it for so long and not doing it sooner.

Your point one. You can only get on with it for so long before you realise it is actually beginning to destroy you. (I am still working my way through the personal damage and baggage my exh left me with. One day at a time because right now I cant see I will ever fully heal).

Your point 2
It is a worry what other people think. But at the end of the day its not their business and you will find out who your real friends are.

Your point 3. Yes, another worry. Make sure you have a solicitor to negotiate for you. Plus whatever they quote in fees double it. I had to scrimp and save like never before (and have never been well off), for the two years it took to get divorced. Afterwards you get on with it, you manage.

Your point four yes I was worried about that. Teens now see right through him. And are beginning to not want to spend much time with him. Always refused to stay over at his. Sometimes he threatens all sorts with this but never carries it through.

Also when you are not living together anymore. A great weight lifts and you dont feel you are getting anxious when you know he will be home soon etc.

The biggest surprise I had was that the abuse doesnt stop when the divorced has finalised. Although I am more distanced from it, he gets to me and uses the kids as weapons to control me, because he knows I will do anything for my kids best interests.

I had no idea this would happen but it has and does. And each time I realise I have let him control me again I get really cross and frustrated with myself.

My advice is to make sure you get a formal contact agreement in place which should help minimise this problem and which I wish I had.

Gilead · 01/09/2021 22:43

I left someone like this too. I was amazed at the amount of people who expressed relief and had been aware, despite him being charming in public.
I waited until there were no custody issues but for my family that was a mistake, I should have gone earlier.
We live a lovely life without him and we are all much happier for him being out of our lives.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 01/09/2021 22:43

Nope, not once. Never, ever. Nope.
Especially after my son said tonight (after DD, himself and I giggled ourselves silly over a cat on tictock) "dad never laughs anymore"
Guess dads (21 years younger) OW is not bringing him much joy!
Hey ho. 🤪

DontDoThatGeorge · 01/09/2021 22:46

Oh Christ no. I now earn twice what I ever could have with him, the kids are happy and my life is so bloody NICE. And he's still a prick.

Leave and never look back. Life really is too short for an awful man.

Original poster
lemonadecar · 01/09/2021 22:47

These answers are giving me a good feeling, thank you!

OP posts:
Dailyfuckyoumail · 01/09/2021 22:56

Do not wait till your children are older as the damage is worse and more entrenched. Couldnr be happier now and never regretted it for a second.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/09/2021 22:59

No none. The only regret I have was not leaving them much much earlier and wasting years of my life.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 01/09/2021 23:10

@lemonadecar
a) I was a "get on with things girl" and hated people judging me. Fuck that. This doesn't help in MOST situations.
b) the successful charming bit will eventually be exposed as a facade to all (it really will)
c) I left with nothing. NOTHING. Not even a job.
d) refer to my point B. Children (it may be years and years) will see through the facade too.
I am 2 years out. I have a job. A happy home. Happy kids and a VERY happy me.
YOU and your kids will be happy too. 🌧🌈🌞

rosamacrose · 01/09/2021 23:15

I did not regret it and neither will you.
None of us do.

SkylarFerris · 01/09/2021 23:40

I wish I’d left sooner.

3scape · 01/09/2021 23:45

My young children didn't even ask where their dad was for almost a month, you've got this! People make a lot after not upsetting the children but living in peace and a stable environment makes a big positive change when one parent is manipulative and damaging the home environment.

ClareBlue · 02/09/2021 00:27

Seen friends do it and not one has ever regretted it.
In my life, after significant years and a generally seriously chilled outlook on people and life in general, the only people I increasingly despise are those that have a respectable public persona and then treat their partner badly behind closed doors.

They suck the joy out of the family life.
Leave and get some joy back in your and children's life

Anordinarymum · 02/09/2021 00:30

I have never regretted making him leave. I regret not doing it a lot earlier.

tegannotsovegan · 02/09/2021 08:22

I left my husband in 2019, and our divorce was officially finalised in January of this year. I do not regret it one bit. Not even slightly. Best decision I’ve made in my entire life.

FOJN · 02/09/2021 08:58

I don't have children but can relate to the rest of your concerns. I have not regretted it for a single second, I just feel relieved the marriage wasn't longer.