to send or not apology whatsapp message if your pre-schooler was a bit rough at a playdate

[fhhui8677]

After a long period of not having any playdates, pleased that my three-year-old can now have people over and go over to his friends' houses. Unfortunately, he is not always great at sharing toys, etc especially if tired/hungry. So there have been a few times when he's said something mean or hit another child (or twice) during a playdate. Now until now I usually always send a follow-up text to apologise for his behaviour etc - but have decided not to bother anymore. I feel like this only magnifies the issue i.e. three-year-olds not always been great at sharing toys. Do you ever apologise for your pre-schoolers behaviour after the fact or not?

THis isn't a question about the behaviour itself - it is obviously unacceptable and I tell him off at the time and try and discuss it with him thereafter. So AIBU not to send an apology or AINBU to not send messages

If you dealt with it at the time, I wouldn’t send one.

Would you want an apology if some hit your child?

By not acknowledging it to the other parent(s) you’ll give the impression that you’re ok with the way your child behaves.

I think if it was my child on the receiving end of your DCs behaviour, I’d be more interested in seeing that you are taking notice and taking action.

All kids act up sometimes and if I could see you were dealing with it I wouldn’t want you to feel you have to apologise. I’d be more annoyed if you ignored the behaviour or downplayed it.

Not if you apologised at the time and it’s all normal behaviour.

I agree with your suggested approach. Deal with it at the time, don't send the message after - unless it was something really bad!!

Just to clarify - I always apologies at the time, reprimand my child and sort out the behavior. So this isn't about what happens during the playdate.

I was just curious about what other people do. I sort of got into a habit of always messaging etc but actually wouldnt expect another parent to do that if the roles were reverse. Plus no one actually seems to do that. I think I picked up the habit from a friend of mine who does it all the time about her kid but dont know whether I should stop or carry on

If your child has injured another child, it would be polite to send a message asking how the other child is.

However, you seem a bit deluded about what is normal.

Where we live the usual protocol is to always thank the host after a playdate etc etc etc but I invariably labour the point that am sorry that 'Felix' hit 'Tommy' etc.

As you can tell am a bit ASD and social niceties are a total minefield for me. I have a tendency to overdo things (and underdo others)

Of course you should apologise when your ds is repeatedly hitting and saying nasty things to other children!

Do you not say when the parents come and pick up ? Something along the lines of the kids had a bit of a scrap but we sorted it out . isn't it better to do this than WhatsApp or whatever

I think if it was my child on the receiving end of your DCs behaviour, I’d be more interested in seeing that you are taking notice and taking action.

This. If you sat there staring gormlessly while your kid misbehaved/did the “Johnny if you do that one more time we’re leaving” routine, then all the follow-up texts in the world won’t cut it. If you dealt with it as best you could at the time I think it’s fine to send a text after but not critical. Wouldn’t make a difference to me re inviting you back or not.

@PersonaNonGarter I am talking about my kid not wanting to share a toy with their friend and the other kid crying about it or maybe v gently hitting the kid on their head if they took his toy. No actual bodily harm

I think you should stop unless your sons friend was really upset/hurt.

I think if they were sort of both as bad as each other and/or the other child was not hurt or distressed then I wouldn’t.

If the other child had been upset or hurt then yes I would mention it maybe when messaging to say thank you for having us.
But from my own perspective I was always understanding about stuff like that if I could see the other parent was addressing it, I only ‘minded’ with people who laughed it off after my child was hurt or didn’t reprimand/discipline their child.

@SukonthaM

Of course you should apologise when your ds is repeatedly hitting and saying nasty things to other children!

And of course you should read what the OP types!

@MagnoliaBeige

If you dealt with it at the time, I wouldn’t send one.

@MagnoliaBeige is right, IMO, @fhhui8677 - one of my friends had a dd who always hit ds3 or pulled his hair - she apologised at the time, and told her dd off, and was clearly tackling the situation, and I wouldn’t have expected a second apology later.

She even used to,put her dd in the high chair, so she couldn’t pull ds3’s hair - and then he’d go and stand by the high chair, within easy reach - sigh.

The mum and I are still close friends, her dd has grown up to be a lovely young woman, and ds3 wasn’t noticeably traumatised!

@PersonaNonGarter

If your child has injured another child, it would be polite to send a message asking how the other child is.

However, you seem a bit deluded about what is normal.

How is she deluded? She reprimands her kid at the time, there's no need for follow up texts unless the other kid(s) is actually hurt

Don't worry about it. If you apologised when you picked your child up and the other Mum told what he had done then that's enough.

No need for any follow up texts. Say sorry and thank you at pick up and thats that.

Thanks everyone. As I said, I do manage the situation at the time - the other parent is always there. But do feel awful if my kid is ever unkind.

@CuriousaboutSamphire I did?

If it was dealt with at the time and no lasting effects I don't think you should, I wouldn't expect that.

DD was once bitten by a child who broke the skin and she was inconsolable, and it took a while to heal. The mum texted after that and I think she was right to, I appreciated that.

If the other child/little guest has been cut/ bruised /injured/disabled/suffocated by yours, you should certainly inform its parents.

Otherwise, limit your child's social circle to non-verbal playmates so they can never tell Mummy what really happened at fhhui's house.

My child hasn’t reached this stage yet but tbh if someone else’s 3yo was tricky at a play date I wouldn’t expect an apology text. As you say, that’s what 3yos are like sometimes! As long as you dealt with it in the moment I wouldn’t expect anything more.

If you dealt with it at the time and asked your dc to apologise then I think you don't need to do more.

My 5yo had a 6yo friend round the play the other week and at the end he was wild, pulling my sons toys from him and throwing them all over the place. I tried to remove a toy to diffuse the situation and he almost pulled me over while I was holding my baby.
The mother later apologised but tbh I don't think I'll invite him back as she didn't do enough to deal with it at the time.

I'd follow up if my child caused an actual injury to another, to see how they were, but not if it was just a behaviour issue, and you dealt with it at the time.