to send or not apology whatsapp message if your pre-schooler was a bit rough at a playdate

[fhhui8677]

After a long period of not having any playdates, pleased that my three-year-old can now have people over and go over to his friends' houses. Unfortunately, he is not always great at sharing toys, etc especially if tired/hungry. So there have been a few times when he's said something mean or hit another child (or twice) during a playdate. Now until now I usually always send a follow-up text to apologise for his behaviour etc - but have decided not to bother anymore. I feel like this only magnifies the issue i.e. three-year-olds not always been great at sharing toys. Do you ever apologise for your pre-schoolers behaviour after the fact or not?

THis isn't a question about the behaviour itself - it is obviously unacceptable and I tell him off at the time and try and discuss it with him thereafter. So AIBU not to send an apology or AINBU to not send messages

Don't send a message if it was dealt with at the time unless it was a particularly bad incident

If you apologised at the time then fine.

'v gently hitting on the head' is rather playing it down though.

I don't think it would hurt.

If you dealt with it I wouldn't. I find that often, if you make a big out of it, the other parents will too and quickly your child will be known as the naughty one. Just forget it, it happens!

Thanks for everyone's comments. Just to clarify no one gets bit or wildly throws toys around. Sometimes the kids cry because they can't share a toy or want to play with the same toy or play with one friend but not the other.

Also, they are three. We've never had a playdate without the parents yet. Not sure whether that's unusual at all.

To be honest I would want an apology for that. I don’t think hitting at this age is normal? My 3 year old is still learning about sharing but wouldn’t hit another child. Maybe at 18 months- 2ish but not age 3… I wouldn’t want to be having play dates where she was getting hit (more than once as you say) or another child wasn’t nice to her.

@fhhui8677 perfectly normal not to have play dates without a parent there at that age.

Sorting it at the time is worth far more than an apology later on so I think you're right that you don't have to keep apologising afterwards.

Of course hitting at 3 is normal, some children find it very hard to share or they hit through frustration/ anger. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. Needs to be corrected every single time but completely normal for some kids to still be figuring things out..

@Mummytomylittlegirl

To be honest I would want an apology for that. I don’t think hitting at this age is normal? My 3 year old is still learning about sharing but wouldn’t hit another child. Maybe at 18 months- 2ish but not age 3… I wouldn’t want to be having play dates where she was getting hit (more than once as you say) or another child wasn’t nice to her.

It's perfectly normal at 3

Thanks for everyone's comments. Just to clarify no one gets bit or wildly throws toys around. Sometimes the kids cry because they can't share a toy or want to play with the same toy or play with one friend but not the other.

Most 3 year old will bicker about toys sharing can be a bit alien to them at that age as is playing, when mine were this age I'd only have 1 friend over at a time .

Isn't the bigger issue that your kid is hitting other children?

If the other parent is there, why on earth woukd you send an apology after the event? Surely you deal with the behaviour then and there, and apologise to the parent at the time. Then move on. No need to drag it up later. If parents thought it was an big issue, you would soon find playdates dwindling!

I wouldn’t want this to be a regular occurrence at this age though. If it’s when he’s hungry/ tired then that needs to be avoided..

I do think sometimes when boys are ‘a bit rough’ it gets overlooked. I have noticed this at my daughters nursery.

I wouldn't be messing about with whats app stuff, and getting in touch with host parents for play dates. When my two children were youngies, and they had kids round to play, and any of the kids were a bit naughty, I used to tell them off, or reprehend them, to quieten them down. and that was that. I didn't go babbling to their parents about any issues that might crop up. I would have expected other parents to be the same, with my kids if they had been a bit naughty, with no discussions and babble about it later..

Totally normal for 3 year olds to hit at times and not want to share. They are only learning the right way to behave.

maybe v gently hitting the kid on their head if they took his toy
Gently, you say? . Of course you need to make the other parent aware that this has happened!

@GreyhoundG1rl the other parent is there. it's a playdate, both parents are there. i just feel bad if my kid ever makes another kid cry. it's not about my kid's behavior

@fhhui8677

Thanks everyone. As I said, I do manage the situation at the time - the other parent is always there. But do feel awful if my kid is ever unkind.

3 year-olds often still play "alongside" as opposed to "with" other children. We often have developmentally inappropriate social expectations of very young children - not every 3 year-old is developmentally ready for the concept of cooperative play. The child is not unkind, so please don't think that. If play dates frequently result in him being scolded, I'd be reeling the play dates back to a minimum to ensure his self-esteem isn't being bruised in the process. You will see that in a year or so, his interest in cooperative play will take off.

[quote fhhui8677]@GreyhoundG1rl the other parent is there. it's a playdate, both parents are there. i just feel bad if my kid ever makes another kid cry. it's not about my kid's behavior[/quote]
Sorry, misunderstood.

As a childminder for 23 years and grandmother to 6, I would say in my experience you don't need to text if, as it seems from your post, you dealt firmly but kindly with young Felix.

3 year olds, especially in 2021, need practice at sharing etc. As pp said, it's often alongside rather than with. It can be an opportunity to show that sharing and taking turns can be ok. They have not been able to play with other children during lockdown, now is the time to guide and teach them.

It's the parents who head tilt and Oh darling that need to apologise.

@IamEarthymama

As a childminder for 23 years and grandmother to 6, I would say in my experience you don't need to text if, as it seems from your post, you dealt firmly but kindly with young Felix.

3 year olds, especially in 2021, need practice at sharing etc. As pp said, it's often alongside rather than with. It can be an opportunity to show that sharing and taking turns can be ok. They have not been able to play with other children during lockdown, now is the time to guide and teach them.

It's the parents who head tilt and Oh darling that need to apologise.

"It's the parents who head tilt and Oh darling that need to apologise"

I wholeheartedly agree!

@Mummytomylittlegirl

To be honest I would want an apology for that. I don’t think hitting at this age is normal? My 3 year old is still learning about sharing but wouldn’t hit another child. Maybe at 18 months- 2ish but not age 3… I wouldn’t want to be having play dates where she was getting hit (more than once as you say) or another child wasn’t nice to her.

I agree.

It's normal for a bit of bad behaviour with play dates at this age. Not sharing well or saying something a bit mean can happen and should be dealt with at the time (you mentioned you are).

At 3 they often still need help with some structured activities. You can't leave them alone in a room with toys for hours on end / they need some guidance.

IMO hitting is normal for some children too but needs to be nipped in the bud asap. I'd be telling my child that if he/she hits/ kicks or hurts their friend we'd be going home straight away and I'd then follow through with that. I'd warn the other parent that would be happening beforehand.