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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thread regarding guys asking for you to pay for food shopping/travelling arrangements

62 replies

Pebbles549 · 31/08/2021 23:38

Hi everyone I haven't been on here for some time but god I feel so depressed almost to the point like I don't want to be here anymore with the stresses of modern life.

I shall convey the situation to you.

There was a guy friend I was seeing who lives about 1 hour 40 minutes away. He has a car. I don't.

Now I paid for a train ticket to visit him at his parents house. On that occasion I sort of stupidly believed he had a spare bedroom but he did not so I sort of slept next to him in his bed.

His family were accommodating but felt his mom sort of mommycoddles him and his brother. The train fare was £25.70.

He has now got a new house however I know he has saved up a massive amount of money over the years. I am aware he has to pay a mortgage however at the same time he asked if I want to start dating him as in a relationship.

Now as I said above he lives 1 hour 40 minutes away and I have to sort of lug my suitcase around on to the bus, then get of the bus and go to the train station lugging it down steps

This guy hasn't one even offered to drive over to pick me up so once again I get the train to visit him at his new house.

I stayed a week. We got a little bit of food shopping in from tesco..hardly anything that breaks that bank as he has a small fridge. He never really cooked me anything special just a shepherds pie in the oven with a bit of brocoli and carrots but it was nice and i said thanks

My birthday was last Wednesday on the 25th and I had 3 days off work.

Did he come to see me? No

Did he see me over the bank holiday? No

I even asked him what are you doing on the Monday? Eem I'm not sure

But clearly wasn't interested in seeing me

So we then discussed me going up again this weekend and I said to make the most of it I coukd maybe stay a few days

But now he's starting.

He said just so yoy know I'm being cautious so I'm avoiding crowded areas.. meaning it's a get out clause not to go for a drink.

He is also saying he can't afford to go for a drink or anything to eat.

And now wants me to buy the food shopping when we don't even live with each other and I'm running round catching trains to see him

I'm pretty pissed off about this.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 01/09/2021 05:20

I don’t think all your complaints are legitimate. If I travel to see somebody I pay my train fare, if they come to see me, they pay their train fare. It is or normal to carry a bag or small case for these trips, it isn’t normal to collect somebody that is coming to visit. I also am not clear I you invited him to come to visit you last week when it was your birthday and just because you had three days off, it doesn’t mean he did.

If I stayed with somebody for a week, I would contribute to grocery shopping in some way, either directly or indirectly. I would be surprised to be told I must do this in advance however.

Nevertheless it doesn’t sound like either of you are getting much joy out of this relationship or whatever it is. So I would put n end to it.

rattlemehearties · 01/09/2021 05:25

Your self esteem is rock bottom if you think this is an acceptable set up. I say that without judgement and with the hope you find the power to leave him.

Original poster

Pebbles549 · 01/09/2021 05:59

I've told him to drop off the face on the earth, that I will NOT be running round getting trains and that I think he's a selfish piece of s**t

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebbles549 · 01/09/2021 06:03

And as a matter as far as I concerned you can put yourself out a few times to collect a woman, in my opinion it is polite etiquette and manners to help a woman out a bit if your really keen on here. Is it fair to expect someone to keep lugging themselves round the place while he sits in his cushy house whilst I'm sweating buckets running round a bloody train station?!

We don't live together either so km sorry I fin the whole food shop thing extremely measly and petty.

I said to him maybe I should have charged you for the quite frankly dull sex that you offer and lack of other things because clearly your sitting there counting every bloody penny and bean.

If you can't afford for take a girl for a drink then it's a goodbye from me. I ALSO have bills to pay. Adios.

OP posts:

interest12 · 01/09/2021 06:12

Haha love it! Great to see a thread where the OP doesn't put up with bs

BaringasMare · 01/09/2021 06:15

He’s tighter than a badger’s arse. Dump him!

THisbackwithavengeance · 01/09/2021 06:26

I like your style OP!

And agree 100%. If you visit someone on the train with luggage, they should pick you up at the station. That's good manners and courtesy.

And I wouldn't expect to contribute to grocery bills for a boyfriend either unless the food was extravagsnt like steaks and luxury desserts.. Spaghetti bol etc no.

FreeBritnee · 01/09/2021 06:29

I’m assuming the sec is mind blowing?

FreeBritnee · 01/09/2021 06:29

*sex

Theunamedcat · 01/09/2021 06:32

If you want to let him down gently tell him you cant afford him it might resonate for the next person

Might not but it won't be your problem

greyspottedgoose · 01/09/2021 06:41

It's not his fault you don't drive, bear in mind that trip takes him twice as long as he is doing both directions if he picks you up.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 01/09/2021 06:48

Are you dating the guy on the other thread who has covid and who's gf is going to see him twice and day and bring him food and takeaways? Seriously thought this was a TAAT

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/09/2021 06:55

I think there's two separate points here.
If you choose to date someone that far away and don't have a car then the subsequent cost and inconvenience of the train journey isn't really his responsibility. I wouldn't expect him to drive 3.5 hours to get you and pick you up just because you don't drive, nor would I expect him to pay for it, same way I wouldn't expect you to pay for petrol just so he could visit you.

2ndly if you're regularly going to stay with him for a week at a time why wouldn't you contribute to food etc. When Ive dated people and our pattern was do them to stay here at the weekends they've always chipped in here and there. They get a takeaway saturday i buy the food for sunday lunch for example.on the other side I've done the same when I've stayed at their house for a few days.

Your problem is he doesn't seem to want to come to yours. He doesn't really seem to be investing any kind of effort. That's what would piss me off. I'm assuming you have your own place and it would be child free while he visits, if so there's no reason why I wouldn't be expecting him to be doing an equal share of the travelling and therefore associated costs etc.

I would want it to be alternative trips so I go there one time he comes here the next and both parties pay their way.

If you're expecting him to pick you up each time and pay for everything, if that's what you're saying, then yes I think that's being unreasonable. And In all honesty if that is what you're saying may be his reluctance to go out is because he thinks he will be paying for the whole evening and doesn't want/cant afford to.

If, on the other hand what you're saying is he will never come to mine, always wants me to be the one travelling and never has the money to pay his share of food/nights out then no it's not unreasonable to be peed off at that and obviously I'd be advising to chuck this one back without a second thought.

phishy · 01/09/2021 06:56

@greyspottedgoose

It's not his fault you don't drive, bear in mind that trip takes him twice as long as he is doing both directions if he picks you up.

Well he could offer to go see sometimes couldn’t he? Lazy, tight git.

SpanielRadcliffe · 01/09/2021 06:57

I initially thought the first part was a TAAT referencing the thread with the 21 year old who lives with his parents and brother and wants to have a woman he's been chatting with on line come stay in his room at his parents' house. But then it morphed.

OP, I see you've ended things with this man (which sounds like a good decision) but seriously, your whole first post sounded like you were just doing whatever he suggested and silently fuming about it. When and if you're ready to be with someone else, try to pick someone who wants a relationship, where you both have input and make and discuss plans together and compromise.

phishy · 01/09/2021 06:58

Glad you dumped his whiny arse, OP!

Rangoon · 01/09/2021 07:01

There is no man that would make me spend £25 on a train ticket, lug my case on to a bus and then lug it to the train, pay for the food and travel for 1 hour 40 minutes when he was too cheap to even send me a birthday card. Why I recall being somewhat annoyed about a rather cheap white burgundy somebody brought to dinner. I thought he should have been working harder to impress me. (He found it funny when I told him years after we were married.) I suggest you raise your standards and ditch Mr Frugal. I got married at 29 and I can think of about three occasions where I was not picked up and driven home by any date (and those were where I turned down the offer of being picked up). My mother would have thought I'd taken leave of my senses with the set up he is suggesting to you. She laughed for ages about the very financially secure man who invited me out to have fish and chips. Needless to say I didn't go. He ended up inviting me to a very nice restaurant the next week even though he was a dreadful rotter and my dog was quite right to attempt to attack him when he was delivering my Christmas present!

DeflatedGinDrinker · 01/09/2021 07:11

Sounds like he's just saying for you to buy your own food when there. Of course you should pay for your own train fare he's not your dad. Yabu.

DrSbaitso · 01/09/2021 07:12

Not worth it. He may be a nice person but he isn't into you and you're not really into him (and why do women feel obliged to act as though they are when they're not?). I wouldn't be.

JulesCobb · 01/09/2021 07:15

@Pebbles549

I'm also try to save money aswell, I think its incredibly mean and tight arsed his behaviour and seems to be pulling every excuse out under the sun to do nothing or not even do much with me

Youre right. Trust yourself. Move on.

LittleBrenda · 01/09/2021 07:27

Well done. All that for some shepherd's pie!

It sounds like he's become very comfortable in his own town with his own family and can not be bothered to put himself out for you.

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2021 07:31

Good work op

Baconking · 01/09/2021 07:56

That escalated quickly!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/09/2021 08:20

I think your decision is the best one here. You clearly wasn't happy with the situation.

However I think there's a big difference between not putting up with bs and actually being quite rude.

I'm not sure there was any need for the name calling and insults regarding sex. Never nice and if he had given you a shed load of abuse I expect there would be some v different responses.

That aside it's 2021. Women are equal. Equal rights means equal responsibilities doesnt it. Yes it's nice to be treated, taken out, picked up but your further posts just sound entitled. Like you expect him to pay for everything because you're a woman. I agree relatìonships are a two way street. That means both of you contributing effort time and money.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 01/09/2021 08:28

Isn’t it funny bacon?

An obvious solution to a dilemma given by a few outsiders makes someone suddenly grow some pretty strong vertebrae and use their word.

They never really needed us at all.

Amazing.

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