Just been told I’m the result of rape. **MNHQ adding, sadly, a content warning for CSA**

[Woobeedoo]

Back story.

My relationship with my mum has never been the best. She’s never been a person I’ve been particularly close to, never someone I’ve confided in - infact being able to talk to her during my teenage years about most things involved me having to count to 10 several times to gain the confidence to eventually blurt the words out. At the age of 4 my father would take me to an older couples house and leave me there for an hour or so whereupon the male would sexually abuse me. I must’ve got it in my young head that it was probably ok because my Dad had taken there but I knew I didn’t like it and naturally when told the line of “Don’t tell your Mum, she’ll say you’re lying” I believed it so never told her.

My father was a drunk and would frequently drink drive. The last time he did this was four months after my fifth birthday. He was 5 times over the legal blood alcohol limit (this was in 1979 so the limit then was quite generous) when he smashed driver to driver into another vehicle. He was declared DOA at the hospital.

Present day.

The childhood abuse has left me pretty messed up. It will often creep in and affect my relationship with my partner. He knows of the abuse - I only told my Mum when I was 21.

My mum visited today. We’ve sold our house and found our next home so we’re really happy. My mum asked if we could have a talk so my child and OH went out to the park.

My Mum then decided to tell me the full story of how her and my father met. How on the 6th date, her throttled her until she collapsed unconscious on her doorstep. How he would belittle her and take her wages from her. She then told me how he forced her to have sex when she’d said that she didn’t want to. This happened on more than one occasion and then she discovered she was pregnant.

My dad was livid. There was an old wives tale that to cause miscarriage, drink a glass of vinegar. He forced my mum to drink a pint of the stuff.

They got married. God alone knows why. It was a disastrous union. He’d never actually hit her but would throw kicks and punches which would stop just shy of her face or stomach. He would torment the hell out of 2yr old me. He threatened my mum with a knife and dragged her up the stairs by her hair. Not once did she scream and she only reported him to the police once (the knife incident whereupon he played the super nice lovable drunk “I’m so sorry officer, it won’t happen again”).

He had affairs that people knew about but naturally she didn’t. Then one night he went out to the pub with his cousin and on the drive back smashed into another vehicle. All my life I believed that he only killed himself but today I learnt that he killed a young guy who worked for the GPO who was driving to work.

It then transpired that he’d bought the car and put it in my mums name. He’d had the weak engine taken out and replaced with the engine of a much faster vehicle. And the brakes were shot. My mum was then summoned to the Old Bailey as being the (unwitting) vehicles owner, she was being held responsible for two deaths and one serious injury. Luckily she had a very good solicitor who mange’s to get everything settled out of court but there are family members who believe that my mum drove my dad to drink to excess and gave him a death trap vehicle.

Now.

After telling me all this - I responded emotionally neutrally throughout, I mean how the fuck do you react to stuff like that? Obviously I offered my mum the emotional support she needed and she’s told me that she feels better after unburdening herself but now, six hours later I’m sitting here thinking what the bloody hell did you tell me that for?

I’m now left with the utter shock of knowing how I was conceived. Knowing that one person didn’t want me so much he tried to abort me. What upset me the most was learning that my dads car accident resulted in the death of someone totally innocent and that hurts me so much.

I’m now left having to process everything. I feel that whenever I see my mum something happens to make me step back in to myself, like I’m not the full me for several days after I’ve seen her.

Going full no contact would kill her as in her way I think she feels that I somehow appreciate knowing my history. I don’t know if I should write to her detailing how I feel, get therapy or what. How the fuck do I process this?

Sorry for probably the longest AIBU ever but want to give the back story and the full story rather than ‘so today this happened’ - I guess it makes more sense to know everything.

Thank you for sticking with me this far. I really appreciate it. Right now I’ll be going to bed and trying to sleep so will check back in tomorrow.

None of that is your fault. Its your past, your Dad is dead and can't hurt you any more. As to your mum, I would have one conversation where you tell her honestly how you feel. How she reacts to that will determine whether or not you want to continue contact. And then you get on with your life now, in the present.

I’m so sorry, not only that you had to know this, but because of everything. I second looking for some counselling so you can talk things through.

It’s not the same situation, but my oldest two kids dad got me pregnant as a teenager (he was not a teenager) and was generally a horrible person to me and I would say abusive. I don’t tell them this, only that I met their dad when I was very young and he wasn’t a good dad. I don’t think I would ever tell them the finer details of it, because they are the only good that’s ever come out of him and I don’t want them to feel half of them is bad.

zoobeedoo. This actually happened to my elder sister but it was a one off attack on my mum. Like your mum, my mum did not disclose the circumstances until much later. However, I think my sister did want to know what happened. It's not something we've ever really spoken about.

You are not responsible for the actions of your parents. It must have come as a huge shock to you and it will take time to adjust, even if you do choose to talk to a therapist or counsellor. I don't really know what to say but I would hope you can try not to let your father's appalling attempts to cause a miscarriage affect your views of your own worth. You are you and you are more than the sum of your parents. I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

Massive hugs to you, that’s a huge amount of stuff to process.
As others have said give yourself time, you are not responsible for the actions or motivations of others and are your own unique person.
Your mother has chosen to disclose all of this information to you for her own reasons and I wouldn’t spend time speculating why that is, she is her own person and from what you’ve written/she has told you she has lived a difficult life. She needs to work through this herself and at her own pace.
I think having someone to talk through this for you would be helpful and if you feel ready I think counselling/therapy could help you process your experience and the information dump you’ve been given.
I’m so sorry you’ve had such trauma in your life, I hope that you will have a brighter time to come.
Huge love to you as you go forward, be generous and gentle with yourself

1. Talk to your partner.
2. Get some counselling.
3. Be patient and kind to yourself. That’s a lot.
4. Recognise that this explains quite a lot about your relationship with your mother as a child, and even now. Maybe this can help you set realistic limits for contact with her, while recognising that she’s been a victim too.

I’m so sorry you Mum dumped this on you.
As everyone else has said get some counselling, find a good one you trust, don’t stay with one if they aren’t the right fit. Tell your partner everything.
If your mom is Batshit enough to think explaining why she is a terrible Mum means that now you are going to have a close relationship with her, remember you don’t owe her anything. Ever. No guilt over this. Ever.
This does seem like she deliberately picked a good time in your life to drop this bombshell and cause havoc, remember you don’t owe her anything. You have done nothing wrong. She has always been the adult in this relationship. You were a child. It was her journey not yours.

What you are, who you are , is up to you. Decide what you want to define you as a person. Then act accordingly.

I am so sorry op. Counselling will help you. 💐💐

Yes you get therapy. It’s a lifetime of burdens to unpack and having a guide will make that easier.

Your mother may have had one of any number of motivations for what she told you, but nothing you posted made me think her motivations weren’t well intentioned. She may feel that by knowing the truth you can better understand why she is the flawed mother than she has been for you.

@JustLyra

I think you should consider finding yourself a really good counsellor to unpick everything. Your childhood, your parents and this new news.

Counselling is fucking tough, but it can really be worth it.

Be kind to yourself while you process all of that as it’s a lot.

Therapy rather than counselling. Anyone can claim to be a counsellor as it’s not a protected title. Ideally you need a clinical psychologist experienced in trauma work. If you do go down the path of a counsellor, please make sure you ensure they are registered with the British Council for Counselling and Psychotherapy or other similar professional body.

Op, I wasn’t able to read your post in full, however, I wanted to respond as I strongly believe I too am the product of rape due to my father’s abusive behaviour. It’s a horrible feeling and all the more so given the events which unfolded and his death. My father is also dead and like you, I know I can never get any answers for his behaviour.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and comment, I can appreciate it wasn’t easy reading.

To elaborate further and answer questions.

We currently live about a 30 minute train journey from my Mum. The move ups that to a 3hour train journey. She told me she doesn’t want us to move that far, “history is repeating itself” (my dad made my mum move from London to an area up north, distancing her from her family and friends). She also said she can’t see herself making such a long train journey due to “this awful plague out there” - so an element of guilt tripping and exaggerating happening.

I made the error once of confiding in her when OH and I were going through a rough patch. OH was struggling with a drink problem which he now through lots of work has nailed. He’s got to 130 days sober and knows now he can never touch alcohol again. To my mum this is another sign that OH and my dad are one and the same and that “yes but he could start drinking again tomorrow”.

Before my grandparents died my Gran said how she’d want the money shared equally amongst my mum, my uncle and myself. Except she didn’t make a will. My grandad died first and 4yrs later my gran died and money has been split between my mum and uncle. My mum refuses to give me a share of the inheritance “because I’m not helping him”. She is even denying knowing where my grans jewellery is after I asked if I could have one of her rings.

My uncle is apparently livid that I’m moving so far away. Keep in mind I last saw my uncle 4years ago at my grans funeral when he barely spoke to me. He neglects to send b.day and Christmas cards so I’ve given up on sending to him and has only seen my child 3 times and each time made a point of ignoring him. To me my uncle is someone who I have zero time for and couldn’t care less of his opinion but it kind of proves he is reacting to my mums version of truth.

Reading that back the only steady figures in my life were my grandparents and I know if they were alive today they’d be horrified at what my mum has done and is doing. I tend not to speak up to my mum as I know it doesn’t achieve anything.

She told me how when I was growing up I started to look like my dad. It was only a few hours later I realised that it tied in with her being utterly horrendous to me throughout my teenage years - vetting friends, not allowed a boyfriend, quizzing me of my personal life etc.

I’m thinking of writing my mum a letter explaining how I feel, I think at this stage that would help a little but it’s going to take a lot of editing - a letter written in anger is not going to progress matters.

Sorry this is probably disjointed but I’m at that stage when random thoughts just come into my head and I’m trying to slot it all together.

Good grief, it’s hard to read your story and so how difficult for you to have lived and still be living it. You deserved not one bit of the abuse, sexual and emotional, that you suffered. And that abuse was emphatically not your fault. I am blown away by your strength and your resilience.

I guess the responses so far reflect posters’ own feelings and the truth is that it might help you to come to terms with both the past and these present revelations were you to seek counselling, but it isn’t for everyone as I think has been said.

Quite why your mum has shared this now, you may never know and she sounds damaged (understandably)-but that is her work. I would guess concentrating on you and your needs and desires isn’t something that has ever come easy to you, but maybe that’s the answer now. Try to work out what your needs are now, and don’t try to look too far forward. Know how you feel (which might be confused about all the different feelings) and try to cope with that today. And maybe you will at some point want therapy, not to see your mum, whatever: but just get through today and seek the support you need. You are a very brave person, you have survived such a lot. I wish you well

Write the letter, but think very hard before you send it. You don't owe her your emotional labour. It might be a good exercise for you to pour some of this out on paper. It sounds like your mum was a really bad mum to you when you needed her most. This episode is more of the same. She could have given you the bare bones of the truth without loading all the horrific details onto you. If by sending her a letter you're hoping that she will acknowledge her part in your childhood trauma and apologise - I'm really sorry, that's really really unlikely to happen. She will argue, deflect, downplay and gas light you because to do otherwise means she would have to face her part in how she failed to protect the one person she should have put first above all else - her child.

3 hours distance sounds like a really good idea now. My first thought reading your first post was that she wants to keep you nearby otherwise why tell you now and ruin your news about the house. She's trying to keep you close to her by making you doubt your OH. your oh may relapse but it doesn't mean he is anything like your evil dad. And fuck your uncle. He sounds like he's the same as the rest of them.

OP

This will be very, very hard for you to process. Please take time (and probably help) to do that.

I think your mum told you because she wants to have a better relationship with you. An honest relationship, adult to adult. And the only way to do this is for you to know her better, and to understand what happened to her. And I guess to start to explain why she wasnt able to protect you as a child (though she obviously protected you from some things).

Maybe she was wrong to do it but these things have a way of coming out. And there really is never a good time to find out stuff like this.

Personally I found finding out the truth about my parents helped - over time- me reframe my past and our relationship in a way that was helpful to me. I hope that's the case for you, whether you choose to forge a new relationship with your mum or not.

Good luck x

I can't imagine how you feel, being left to process all that information.

I do believe your mum told you with the hope that it would allow you to appreciate why she was the way she was when you were younger, and therefore help with your relationship now, of course this isn't how these things.
I agree with other posters, please find a good therapist/counsellor. I also believe your mum needs a therapist, and eventually when the time comes, you can both have family sessions to help.

It will take a while to process all this, wishing you the best.

I'm so sorry, OP. This sounds very traumatic.

I don't think you owe your mum anything here, and as you are moving further away, this is a good time to lessen contact to a bare minimum. I would definitely not feel bad about keeping her at arms length from now on. You could write a letter but it's possible that she will see this as an invitation to engage even more and to give further traumatising details. No contact is best when someone repeatedly harms you (whatever their reasons or motivations may be).

Agree with pp that counselling or therapy could be helpful. But also that none of this is your fault. You were born innocent and you were an innocent little girl when you were betrayed by adults. I hope you are able to re-find some joy about your house move too. Remember you have found happiness in life and cling on to it

I'm so sorry for everything you've been though. And my post might be hard to read but I felt I should say something. You owe your mother nothing. You and your well-being matters most.

I am also the product of rape. My dad was extremely violent towards my mum, almost killing her on several occasions. I also look like him.
She never once took that out on me. She loved me and protected me and continues to support me. Your mum can choose whether to be kind to you or not and it sounds like she's choosing not to be and you deserve better.

Oh OP,

I’ve been through a very similar situation and can now relate to what @willstarttomorrow says, particularly the bit about counselling/therapy. Please, please, please go back to what that poster says.

From my own experience, as time goes by, more and more memories and questions will come to the forefront of your mind. The why’s, how comes, the why didn’t’s….and that’s perfectly acceptable and understandable.

This will stay with you but with the love and empathy of good friends who know when you need space or company, to cry or just be silently held, it will start to get easier. Not necessarily ‘easy’ but over time, whether that be years or decades, hopefully this shock and pain and questioning will lessen.

So so very sorry you’re having to go through this.

That was a harrowing read. You have been through so much. You have built yourself a new life, a future with your child, that will be the opposite of your childhood.
Sending you 🌸🌸

I had an awful, abusive childhood (nothing like as bad as yours) including being told multiple times that my parents had tried to abort me several times but they all failed.

My advice to you is, try to block it all out. I coped by creating an imaginary, fantasy version of my parents inside my own head.

I'm sure everyone will say have counselling and go over it again and again with another person but I am putting the opposite choice: try to forget it, pretend it was a terrible nightmare from which you have now awaken and found that everything is all right.

Try to block it all out and replace it with an imaginary lovely childhood.

I don’t really have any advice, other than giving yourself the time and space to process such a huge and shattering revelation. I imagine it will be a strange type of grief for the reality you thought was yours, and has now been replaced with something else.
Regardless, I hope you carry on to live a long and tremendously happy life with the little family you have built for yourself.