Back story.
My relationship with my mum has never been the best. She’s never been a person I’ve been particularly close to, never someone I’ve confided in - infact being able to talk to her during my teenage years about most things involved me having to count to 10 several times to gain the confidence to eventually blurt the words out. At the age of 4 my father would take me to an older couples house and leave me there for an hour or so whereupon the male would sexually abuse me. I must’ve got it in my young head that it was probably ok because my Dad had taken there but I knew I didn’t like it and naturally when told the line of “Don’t tell your Mum, she’ll say you’re lying” I believed it so never told her.
My father was a drunk and would frequently drink drive. The last time he did this was four months after my fifth birthday. He was 5 times over the legal blood alcohol limit (this was in 1979 so the limit then was quite generous) when he smashed driver to driver into another vehicle. He was declared DOA at the hospital.
Present day.
The childhood abuse has left me pretty messed up. It will often creep in and affect my relationship with my partner. He knows of the abuse - I only told my Mum when I was 21.
My mum visited today. We’ve sold our house and found our next home so we’re really happy. My mum asked if we could have a talk so my child and OH went out to the park.
My Mum then decided to tell me the full story of how her and my father met. How on the 6th date, her throttled her until she collapsed unconscious on her doorstep. How he would belittle her and take her wages from her. She then told me how he forced her to have sex when she’d said that she didn’t want to. This happened on more than one occasion and then she discovered she was pregnant.
My dad was livid. There was an old wives tale that to cause miscarriage, drink a glass of vinegar. He forced my mum to drink a pint of the stuff.
They got married. God alone knows why. It was a disastrous union. He’d never actually hit her but would throw kicks and punches which would stop just shy of her face or stomach. He would torment the hell out of 2yr old me. He threatened my mum with a knife and dragged her up the stairs by her hair. Not once did she scream and she only reported him to the police once (the knife incident whereupon he played the super nice lovable drunk “I’m so sorry officer, it won’t happen again”).
He had affairs that people knew about but naturally she didn’t. Then one night he went out to the pub with his cousin and on the drive back smashed into another vehicle. All my life I believed that he only killed himself but today I learnt that he killed a young guy who worked for the GPO who was driving to work.
It then transpired that he’d bought the car and put it in my mums name. He’d had the weak engine taken out and replaced with the engine of a much faster vehicle. And the brakes were shot. My mum was then summoned to the Old Bailey as being the (unwitting) vehicles owner, she was being held responsible for two deaths and one serious injury. Luckily she had a very good solicitor who mange’s to get everything settled out of court but there are family members who believe that my mum drove my dad to drink to excess and gave him a death trap vehicle.
Now.
After telling me all this - I responded emotionally neutrally throughout, I mean how the fuck do you react to stuff like that? Obviously I offered my mum the emotional support she needed and she’s told me that she feels better after unburdening herself but now, six hours later I’m sitting here thinking what the bloody hell did you tell me that for?
I’m now left with the utter shock of knowing how I was conceived. Knowing that one person didn’t want me so much he tried to abort me. What upset me the most was learning that my dads car accident resulted in the death of someone totally innocent and that hurts me so much.
I’m now left having to process everything. I feel that whenever I see my mum something happens to make me step back in to myself, like I’m not the full me for several days after I’ve seen her.
Going full no contact would kill her as in her way I think she feels that I somehow appreciate knowing my history. I don’t know if I should write to her detailing how I feel, get therapy or what. How the fuck do I process this?
Sorry for probably the longest AIBU ever but want to give the back story and the full story rather than ‘so today this happened’ - I guess it makes more sense to know everything.
Thank you for sticking with me this far. I really appreciate it. Right now I’ll be going to bed and trying to sleep so will check back in tomorrow.