Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To give up on my sister?

33 replies

TB445 · 31/08/2021 18:46

I would love to have a closer relationship with my sister (we are both in our 40s.) She lives 10 minutes away...but I rarely see her. Any contact we do have is entirely down to me texting or calling. I do visit her, whereas she has visited me twice in the last 4 years despite being a short drive away. If I get pissed off and stop calling she doesn't even seem to notice. We had a traumatic childhood so I know there is baggage, I have had all manner of counselling over the years myself. I have called her on it...last time I said, do you know that you haven't called or texted me in 9 months...and she just replied that she was a bit rubbosh wasn't she. If you challenge her more robustly she explodes and I would be excommunicated. Just seems a shame I don't know if there is another approach??

OP posts:

Fivefourthreetwo · 31/08/2021 18:54

Could you make an arrangement to meet at a particular time every month, eg 1st Saturday every month for lunch? Just an idea

phishy · 31/08/2021 19:03

I couldn’t be arsed with her to be honest.

Don’t waste headspace on her, spend the time focussing on people who care for you

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 19:05

@Fivefourthreetwo

Could you make an arrangement to meet at a particular time every month, eg 1st Saturday every month for lunch? Just an idea

Thats a good idea. Like a standing regular arrangement.

Or she might just be feeling obliged to meet up with you.

Or be one of those people who don't really do much going out/visiting.

Dillydollydingdong · 31/08/2021 19:06

Just accept that the relationship is not one of the best, and there probably isn't anything you can do to make it better. In any relationship one person feels more strongly than the other. Face it, it's more important to you than it is to her. Some sisters are close; some aren't.

Auntienumber8 · 31/08/2021 19:06

The issue may be that you remind her of that time. That’s not your fault but there is not much you can do. You have had counselling but I assume she hasn’t or it hasn’t been as helpful. She just doesn’t want a closer relationship. Plus remember incidents in childhood affect people in very different ways even if it is the same event,

It’s not the answer you want but it’s probably close to the truth.

Janaih · 31/08/2021 19:07

She clearly doesn't want to meet up regularly. A shame but if you had trauma in childhood you are inextricably linked with that even though it's unfair and not your fault. I would back off and give her space.

Shelddd · 31/08/2021 19:10

Why do you care if she calls you or visits you or not? If you want a relationship with her then take the lead... if you don't care then just lay off and let the relationship die.

I have some family/friends where I always call/text them and always make the plans and I have some family/friends that I never call/text and they always call/text me and always come visit me. It's just how it is, it's really not such a big deal. You're in your 40s and your upset that you have someone in your life you have to make plans for... I think you need to get over it a little bit and grow up... unless there is more you haven't said this just seems so silly.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 19:11

There's really only so long you can try before you just have to accept that what you want is not what she wants.

I'd start by increasing the time between your messages and just gradually pull back. She'll either realise she actually does want you in her life and start making an effort or she'll be relieved and at least you'll know where you stand.

DrSbaitso · 31/08/2021 19:24

Well...there's very clearly a back story here and it's hard to know what to think from this. I hate reverses, but if she were posting, what do you think she would say?

RickJames · 31/08/2021 19:29

I'm a bit your sister here. I do courtesy calls - with decreasing frequency but I moved far away and stay far away. It's a choice. The trauma in my childhood was just too much to pretend everything is happy clappy nice family. Which of course no-one wants to admit or allude to.

You could either invite her to have a 'real' conversation about what happened and validate her or just stay away. She's probably just trying to rebuild her life and can't handle any gaslighting about the past. I'm not saying you would try to gaslight her, im just saying that as anybody who was present during my trauma feels to me like they are invalidating me as no one wants to be honest despite clear situations, multiple witnesses and evidence. You don't cut off your family for fun and games. You do it to preserve your sanity.

Oceanbliss · 31/08/2021 19:45

@TB445 If I get pissed off and stop calling she doesn't even seem to notice.

That could come across as passive aggressive. Also, you seem angry because your sister isn’t meeting your expectations in maintaining a close relationship. You can’t force people to want to text you, ring you, visit you. You won’t have a close relationship with her if you try to make her feel obligated towards you or guilty for not fulfilling her obligations.

If you want a close relationship with your sister start with accepting her choices and her boundaries.

Oceanbliss · 31/08/2021 19:50

@TB445 As in you and your statement was passive aggressive. Not your sister. Why should she notice that the reason you’ve stopped calling is because you are angry with her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/08/2021 19:55

The best approach is to just accept this is how she is. You want a relationship with her, you know this is something she struggles with so just decide to accept this is what you have to do to keep in touch. Is she worth that? If she is then it's actually a small price to pay.

Subeccoo · 31/08/2021 20:05

Could have written some of this. Could count on one hand the number of times my sister has ever asked how I am.
She likes to tell me how awful her life is, never ever checks in on me.
No idea, looking for the answer myself

JingleTangle · 31/08/2021 20:13

Unfortunately I have a number of people in my life like this.
Asking for them to care about you is humiliating and hurtful.
With one person I just gave up, no contact ever since and although hurtful I did eventually get over it (it took my many months).
Another person I clearly laid out my life and said that if they weren't prepared to message me, or bother replying to my emails then they should understand I would be extremely hurt and upset. It was the most assertive I've ever been. The relationship cooled a little BUT laying out those markers did me good and things are better in some ways now.
With another, I just haven't got it right yet and it's a source of daily pain to be honest.

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/08/2021 20:15

I have a sister who lives close by who I’d love to see more.
She never forgets birthdays or Christmas but very rarely rings. I have learned (sort of ) not to take it personally. She has a very close circle of friends who she sees a lot of & doesn’t have the time.
We too have family baggage & I wonder if I remind her of things she would rather forget. Saying that I know if i ever needed her she’d always be there.
Sometimes you have to accept we are different people with different expectations from relationships. Is it worth falling out with your sister ( that you obviously want a relationship with) just because she doesn’t act how you want her to ?

FlumpsAreShit · 31/08/2021 20:20

I don’t see my sister very often. I feel guilty but I had a very unhappy childhood. She was shielded from some of it, as younger, and doesn’t remember it all. I find it easier just not to see my family. I guess what I’m saying is it might not be to do with you.

Original poster

TB445 · 31/08/2021 20:35

@DrSbaitso Back story is abusive dad, depressed mum, horrible divorce...mum left with her, left me with dad

@Oceanbliss Im pretty sure she doesnt notice lack of contact, thats kind of my point, she wouldn't know I was pissed off therefore

She spends big money on presents for her best friends...but buys me a tenner worth of tat. I give her kids nice gifts, she sends mine a tenner in a card that doesnt even say love from, it just says from.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 31/08/2021 20:40

I'm sorry to hear it. It sounds as if you've been pitted against each other your whole lives.

I don't know if it can be fixed. You'd both have to want to.

Some people just have occasional but civil contact with their siblings. It's sad if you want more, though.

Mrstamborineman · 31/08/2021 20:52

Oh goodness I could have written your post and in fact wondered if you were my sister.
I think you have to let it go, sometimes people make you feel less than good about yourself. Being related doesn’t mean you should accept being treated badly. My sister also makes big fuss for friends birthday, even arranging for friends husbands and yet not so much as a card for me.
I give up. Move on, she is your sister but clearly doesn’t want to be your friend.

TartanJumper · 31/08/2021 20:52

I'm sorry.
I think you might have to accept that while you love each other, you'll probably never be friends. And thats OK.

Dacquoise · 31/08/2021 20:55

I think in dysfunctional families the bonds of family attachment are often missing or irreparably damaged. Children aren't securely attached to parents which often affects their ability to form healthy attachments as adults.

Throw in a narcissistic parent and you often get active discouragement to form attachments to your siblings which you would get in more 'normal' families. The old divide and conquer routine, golden child versus scapegoat.

I recognise what you are saying from my own family of origin. I spent years trying to get close to my siblings who were at best indifferent towards me, at worse callous and scapegoating which they learned from my DM.

Eventually I gave up, got into therapy and realised how awful their behaviour was towards me. It seemed normal at the time.

I don't think there is much you can do with someone who is indifferent towards you. Perhaps you need to detach yourself and grieve for the relationship you would love to have with your sister but isn't possible because of the damage done in childhood. Distance may show you things you hadn't noticed before. Her lack of empathy when you have raised this with her is a bit unkind.

MindyStClaire · 31/08/2021 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2021 21:50

I think you need to just let this all go. You've tried, it hasn't worked. She's not interested in having a relationship with you, and I'm sorry but this is her right and her choice. Just stop texting and calling. She doesn't want to be a part of your life.

Oceanbliss · 01/09/2021 06:09

@Oceanbliss Im pretty sure she doesnt notice lack of contact, thats kind of my point, she wouldn't know I was pissed off therefore

@TB445 Sorry if I misunderstood and came across a bit harsh. I agree with the others that it might be time to let her go. It’s sad and understandable that you’d grieve the loss of relationship with your sister. So, go easy on yourself and take care of you.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread