To give up on my sister?

[TB445]

I would love to have a closer relationship with my sister (we are both in our 40s.) She lives 10 minutes away...but I rarely see her. Any contact we do have is entirely down to me texting or calling. I do visit her, whereas she has visited me twice in the last 4 years despite being a short drive away. If I get pissed off and stop calling she doesn't even seem to notice. We had a traumatic childhood so I know there is baggage, I have had all manner of counselling over the years myself. I have called her on it...last time I said, do you know that you haven't called or texted me in 9 months...and she just replied that she was a bit rubbosh wasn't she. If you challenge her more robustly she explodes and I would be excommunicated. Just seems a shame I don't know if there is another approach??

What do you do when you meet up?

If it's chat over a coffee - I think you are choosing the wrong get together for someone with difficult childhood and bad memories.

Why not go to a ......farmers market, some sort of exhibition, a show, cinema - then you ahve stuff to talk about.

If you want to try again, go about it by asking how she is, and thinking how you can fit in with her life, rather than criticising her for not living up to your expectations.

My sister went low contact with me over lockdown. I texted, I rang, she never answered or only a few words. I was lonely and I was hurt, I brought it up with her, she apologised but then the contact became even less. I was super upset, but it transpired she was depressed. It would have been better if I had called her out from the perspective of “I’m worried about you, I never hear from you, how are you really doing, and how can I be a positive part of your life” rather than “why have you abandoned me, I need you and you’re not there for me?”

I have a DM who never rings me, ignores mine and DC birthdays, but is happy to talk when I ring and happy for me to go and stay at hers if I arrange it. Never comes to mine.

Don't know what the answer is, can't work out if she cares or not.

@HollyGrail Thats a really interesting point. Made me go cold. Thats exactly what we do, and often family stuff does come up and even I feel like 'Not again.' I'm not sure how I could change the dynamic tho since she's not one to go out much really, hence if we do meet it's at her house for a coffee.

@OnGoldenPond Yep that's similar. Sometimes we'll have what feels like a good chat on the phone (I would have rung her of course) and I'll feel happier about the relationship....then nothing again And yes, our mum is exactly the same. Totally disinterested unless someone else makes all the effort.

I think as hard as it is you have to let go, she's being pretty clear she doesn't want a close relationship and you have to respect that. I would take a step back and focus on other relationships where your effort is reciprocated.

How do you feel during and after your visits?

Do you feel unsettled, confused, disappointed or fulfilled, refreshed, restored?

It’s important to understand how you actually feel when together.

Is this relationship mutually beneficial or a drudgery obligation?

Are you able to calmly discuss what you need/want from each other so that you have realistic expectations.

Remember what Einstein said about insanity. It’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If she wanted to keep in touch, she would. I’m sorry this is painful, but when you detach the anxiety and stress you currently experience, will lessen.

[quote TB445]@DrSbaitso Back story is abusive dad, depressed mum, horrible divorce...mum left with her, left me with dad

@Oceanbliss Im pretty sure she doesnt notice lack of contact, thats kind of my point, she wouldn't know I was pissed off therefore

She spends big money on presents for her best friends...but buys me a tenner worth of tat. I give her kids nice gifts, she sends mine a tenner in a card that doesnt even say love from, it just says from.[/quote]
Honestly just spend the same on her kids.

The kids won’t remember or care about the presents if there is no relationship there.

It’s not that she doesn’t think, she is delebtayrly choosing tat for her, don’t give her the satisfaction of giving lovely presents.