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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy myself a ring?

60 replies

Wearewhatweare · 30/08/2021 22:52

I’m longing to wear a nice ring… everyone around me is getting engaged and at the moment it is unfortunately not an option for us. We are not going to get engaged for a while (if ever) and it’s rather complicated. Not the relationship but family and other factors around us. Thinking of having a wedding is actually really upsetting me for these reasons but I’d love to be engaged. I can’t just ask for a ring but I thought I could treat myself to a nice one. Not an engagement ring like at all but something nice and obviously wear it on my index of middle finger. Is that silly? Where can I shop for a ring like this ?

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 31/08/2021 00:33

I never married and bought myself many beautiful rings - amethyst, ruby, topaz, tiger's eye, and jade. I enjoy them very much and if I wanted a diamond solitaire I would buy one, but there are so many more interesting stones.

Anordinarymum · 31/08/2021 00:40

If you want to wear a nice ring then what is stopping you ? Go and try some on before you decide. Buy it and wear it well.

MeMumI · 31/08/2021 03:05

Are you able to discuss it with your partner? He could get you an eternity ring to wear on the wedding finger as a birthday or Christmas gift, I think that would be appropriate. Know lots of unmarried women who do that.

MeMumI · 31/08/2021 03:08

And it's perfectly fine. When my fingers got too fat for my engagement and wedding rings, I chose an eternity ring that I asked my DH to buy me for a present. But then I also told him what engagement ring I wanted too, so I don't mind asking 😀

WTF475878237NC · 31/08/2021 04:06

To me an engagement ring is a ring you wear when you and your partner decide you intend one day to marry. You don't need a proposal for this, just a conversation.

You can buy yourself whatever lovely ring you fancy though!

Daisyhoney · 31/08/2021 06:36

@Thingsthatgo

Maybe a coloured stone would be less engagementy? A sapphire or emerald? Or maybe a tourmaline (I love tourmalines). I would get yourself to a jeweller, a proper one who makes rings, not a high street shop.
Why would a coloured stone make a ring less 'engagementy' ? My engagement ring is a trilogy ring with two diamonds and a ruby - people do wear other styles besides diamond solitaires you know.
Alonelonelyloner · 31/08/2021 06:42

Do it! And then post pics please.
I too will not be getting engaged/married and am tempted to just 'wear a ring'.

3Br1tnee · 31/08/2021 06:47

Do it, I buy my own jewellery, if I see something I like

SoundBar · 31/08/2021 06:53

OP it sounds like you would be better posting in Relationships. A ring isn't going to make you happy

Arrivederla · 31/08/2021 06:53

Absolutely fine to buy yourself a ring - you will be inviting a lot of comments if you wear it on your engagement finger though. Not that that makes it wrong but might be upsetting.

felulageller · 31/08/2021 07:09

I second the poster who said post in relationships.

A ring isn't the issue.

Yeah there's peer pressure at a certain age but your life is your life.

If you're with a man who's stringing you along when you want a marriage that's the issue to deal with.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 10:49

@PearlyRising

Do it! The best presents are from me to me
Ha ha Grin SAME!

I buy myself loads of fab stuff. Pressies from others are nice too, but only I know exactly what I want, and only I BUY exactly what I want.

@Wearewhatweare Do it. Buy yourself a lovely ring! Smile

BaringasMare · 31/08/2021 10:54

Why is a wedding / engagement not on the cards OP?

To be clear there is absolutely nothing wrong with buying yourself a nice ring and really enjoying it. But I wonder if it will actually help? It sounds like you feel really sad about the situation overall - it’s not just about a nice piece of jewellery for you, it’s the fact that this event isn’t happening, and you want it to.

Is the engagement issue something you can resolve?

StoatMilk · 31/08/2021 11:00

@SoundBar

OP it sounds like you would be better posting in Relationships. A ring isn't going to make you happy
This
MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 11:01

@Wearewhatweare

I’m longing to wear a nice ring… everyone around me is getting engaged and at the moment it is unfortunately not an option for us. We are not going to get engaged for a while (if ever) and it’s rather complicated. Not the relationship but family and other factors around us. Thinking of having a wedding is actually really upsetting me for these reasons but I’d love to be engaged. I can’t just ask for a ring but I thought I could treat myself to a nice one. Not an engagement ring like at all but something nice and obviously wear it on my index of middle finger. Is that silly? Where can I shop for a ring like this ?
Have to echo other posters though... The issues go deeper here. You deserve better than a man who won't marry you. Nothing wrong with not getting married if it suits both of you and you both don't want marriage. (Although you should get married IMO if you have children!)

However, I know someone right now who has been with her boyfriend 8 years (both 28,) and they are not even engaged. She wasn't too fussed when they met at 20 as they were still quite young, but she wants to set a date to get married now, and he just keeps changing the subject. Stringing her along and keeping her at arm's length. The biggest commitment he has made is buying a house with her - and they only did that last Autumn! And buying a house is not a commitment anyway, it's an investment.

She is giving the best years of her life to a man who won't marry her, and she will regret it. Don't be her. Don't be one of those women who get strung along by a man, full of false hope, until you realise it's going nowhere. Then by the time you realise it/accept it, and end it with him, you have wasted ten years on him.

And then you will watch him marry someone else within 2 years of you finishing with him.

Howshouldibehave · 31/08/2021 11:09

Of course you can buy a ring-you just go and look around jewellery shops!

You sound generally down and fed up about your relationship though. If you buy a ring that looks like an engagement ring-will you be even more fed up if people ask if you’ve got engaged??

Franklyfrost · 31/08/2021 11:25

I wouldn’t in your circumstances because it’s tied up to you resenting not being engaged so it will remind you that you had to buy it for yourself.

Absolutely do but yourself something special and if that’s a ring then that’s fine. But buy it because you love it not because your partner isn’t proposing and you think the ring might compensate for that.

Franklyfrost · 31/08/2021 11:25

‘buy’ not ‘but’ Smile

dworky · 31/08/2021 11:26

Buy what you like & wear it where it suits you. There are no ring police.

UniBallEye · 31/08/2021 11:35

OP you seem very sad and I hope you and your partner can work through whatever's stopping you from getting married, assuming you both want that. Life is short and you never know what's around the corner, good and bad.

Could you ask your OH for a ring for Christmas, not an engagement ring but a dress ring that you can wear, knowing it's from him / her?

Of course it's fine to buy yourself a ring, more than fine, but reading your posts I think you would like this to be from your OH.

What sort of rings do you like / imagine wearing? Perhaps we can suggest places for you to look?

HopeHappy · 31/08/2021 11:37

A colleague of mine is in a relationship but is not going to get married ("been there, done that, learned that lesson the hard way") but wears a ring on her engagement finger to show her commitment to her partner. It's entirely her own choice though and she bought it herself.

Other than the fact that someone might ask a question if you wore it on your ring finger, purely from the point of view of them noticing it was different, no-one else will bat an eyelid.

If you wore it on a different finger, the only comment you're likely to get is "wow, what a beautiful ring!".

There's a lovely second hand jewellers near my office. I look in the window regularly in the hope that something will grab my attention. I have no qualms about buying myself jewellery, but probably wouldn't buy it from the main high street retailers any more as I know what their markups are like!

UniBallEye · 31/08/2021 11:38

I meant to say that my now DH bought me several lovely rings as presents in the years before we got engaged and I loved them and wore them on my right hand a lot. I still have them and every so often I take a look at them and they bring back so many memories of where we were in our lives since then.

Since getting engaged / married he has also bought me several beautiful rings for my right hand, including tourmalines / diamonds etc and I love these rings too.

BabyLeaf · 31/08/2021 11:39

Of course you can buy yourself a ring and wear it. But if it's a substitute for marrying your DP, will it make you happy or just make you sad when you look at it?

What's the story with your relationship and not being able to get married and have kids?

Movingsoon21 · 31/08/2021 11:55

Go for it OP! You’re allowed to spoil yourself! I’m married with an engagement ring and wedding ring and still bought myself another really nice ring for Christmas last year as I wanted a gold one and my other two are silver.

Are you planning to wear it on your engagement finger, is that why you’re worried about comments? If so you could just say “we’ve decided not to get married but this ring is a sign of our commitment” and then hopefully they will shut up about it!

GreenWillow · 31/08/2021 12:09

I think this is a bad idea op.

It’s clear that the thing you are craving is marriage and children. Do you not think that buying a ‘thing’ to replace these will just be a constant reminder of what you don’t have?

I’d suggest that putting the money you would spend on a ring towards some taking therapy instead would better help you to reframe your feelings in a way that will make you happier in the long run.