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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother living with me- AIBU?

32 replies

leylaa · 30/08/2021 19:23

My brother in law has been living for over three years. My DH wanted to help him out as he was in constant arguments with his alcoholic parents. He moved from Germany to Edinburgh and DH supported him in finding a job - we really didn’t know he would be with us for this long. We now have a DD who is 4 months and will soon need her own room which is occupied by him, i thought he would get the hint of moving out when he found out I was pregnant but no! He has never paid for rent/ bills etc and I have never ever asked for anything however I heard recently that he had given DH approx £4-5 k when finances were tight and I lost my job due to COVID-19 (my DH asked for help) . I told DH to speak to him when his second visa had come through- should DH pay him back? AIBU to ask him to leave ?

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 30/08/2021 19:24

What does your DH think?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 19:27

He's lived for three years and contributed maximum 5k.

That's about £1600 a year, tops
Which is £138 a month

I think he's lived cheaply enough, don't you? Why would you give him anything back?

If he expects it, point out how little it actually is!

And yes, he should move out. Three years is enough time and help.

Original poster
leylaa · 30/08/2021 19:30

DH would like to speak to him now but I have told him to wait until he hears back from his visa

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/08/2021 19:31

What do you mean that 'you heard recently', didn't your DH tell you that he was giving him the money? Are you sure that more than you know has changed hands and your DH has an agreement with him? I'd give him six months notice, if not sooner. Six months takes him over Christmas and means that you have two months before putting DD safely in her own room.

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2021 19:32

"DH would like to speak to him now but I have told him to wait until he hears back from his visa"

So why have you put it on hold?

viques · 30/08/2021 19:36

Is he working or studying? If working he is really taking you for a ride.

Original poster
leylaa · 30/08/2021 19:36

He might turn around and say he’s waiting to hear back about his papers etc. I am just being too nice and not firm. I highly doubt he would show this kindness towards me

OP posts:
Original poster
leylaa · 30/08/2021 19:37

Yes he’s working

OP posts:
BigPyjamas · 30/08/2021 19:40

It's not really about being kind, although you clearly have been.

Simple facts are:

  • your child needs their own room soon
  • that room is occupied by your BIL
  • your child needs the room, he needs to move out.

It doesn't matter what he has a has not paid (mostly not paid by the sounds of things)

I would present it as facts. Keep emotion out.

When does he find out about visas? I can see that if it's a few weeks it makes sense to wait but otherwise you can't keep waiting.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 30/08/2021 19:57

Your brother or your brother-in-law?

Because the title says brother but then everything reads as if it’s your brother-in-law because you won’t have any kind of conversation with him at all, and seem to be relying on your husband to do it all.

If it’s your brother, then why is it your husband who has to have any conversation of meaning with him?

If he’s outstayed his welcome (and for me that would have been several years ago FWIW), then just bloody tell him!

Therealjudgejudy · 30/08/2021 19:57

If he is working, why hasn't he been paying his way?

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 30/08/2021 19:59

Oh, and if it’s brother-in-law as per body text of the OP, then I’d be telling your husband that it’s well past time for him to be gone.

Either way, he’s been in your home for years: you’re within your rights to have this conversation with him yourself. IMO.

Tiana4 · 30/08/2021 20:19

He's effectively paid £138 per month in a recent lump sum which includes rent and bills and has been working
Bargain for BIL

Regardiess, it was supposed to be a temporary arrangement and your baby needs the bedroom as do you.

"BIL it's time you move out to a house share or rent your own place now. We need our bedroom back for baby. It was only temporary. Hopefully we'll still see you for Sunday lunch some weeks?"

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/08/2021 20:27

I’d be DH speak to him now (assuming he is DHs brother and your brother in law). Obviously, a move out date needs to be agreed on and it takes time to find a flat to rent...allow a minimum of two months for that. The visa thing doesn’t matter, he can update Home Office with his new address and if anything comes to you by mistake, you can arrange to give it to him. Home Office won’t care where he is living, him having to move won’t affect his visa approval.

SeaShoreGalore · 30/08/2021 20:31

Oh god yes, just give him notice!

Original poster
leylaa · 30/08/2021 23:37

He had not told me because I was in an awful state when losing my job, he didn’t want to stress me out further

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 31/08/2021 00:16

Giving your dh £5K over 3 years is pathetic, given he’s working. Have you told your dh you want him to move out? Where will the baby go otherwise?

SlipSlop · 31/08/2021 00:42

Oh dear oh dear!

Your BIL has been living with you for 3 years and during most of that time has been working. Neither of you thought it would be a good idea for him to regularly pay you board. And I suppose he didn't volunteer to pay you anything either.

Then when you are both in dire straits, BIL kindly lends his brother a few thousand.

And that makes you and DH beholden to BIL?

What utter nonsense.

As others have pointed out, with the amount BIL 'lent' to your DH, he could not have lived on, never mind rented elsewhere.

So you should both take your blinkers off and give you BIL a couple of month's notice to leave. Six month's notice is far too long.

You have both been taken for a ride by a leech. Stop it now and grow a spine! If he dares to ask about the loan, give him a bill for his board over the last 3 years.

Bogeyes · 31/08/2021 02:30

Can I come and live with you too?
He will never move out!

PennyWus · 31/08/2021 02:34

Just say to him you need the room for the baby and give him a month's notice. Easy to get a flat share if he's got a job and steady income.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 31/08/2021 05:30

You said that he moved from Germany but I am wondering if there could be other cultural expectations at play here given that is very long time to live with a married couple, even if they are family, by European standards. Especially without rent.

Although, perhaps he is just a monumental cheeky fucker, as they exist in all countries.

I be planning to move and ask him about his plans at this stage.

ANameChangeAgain · 31/08/2021 08:12

Lots of thoughts an assumptions here from both sides, but not very many frank and honest conversations. You need to start to stand up for your home, your DH clearly isn't going to so it falls on your shoulders.
If your DH asked for the money with a promise to pay it back you might be on a sticky wicket. If there were no discussions about board then your DH possibly isn't legally entitled to keep the money however unfair it feels.
I think he needs to be presented with an invoice of sorts showing what he owes for a third of house hold expenses. Perhaps saying that the loan covers x%. Tell him in writing he needs to move out by x date as the baby will need the room by the time they are 6 months old.

TempName01 · 31/08/2021 08:51

It’s important whether the money he gave to DH was a gift or a loan. You can’t ask for rent after the fact. In any case he needs to leave as soon as possible.

RedHelenB · 31/08/2021 09:11

How old is he?

TiredButDancing · 31/08/2021 09:20

@DifficultBloodyWoman

You said that he moved from Germany but I am wondering if there could be other cultural expectations at play here given that is very long time to live with a married couple, even if they are family, by European standards. Especially without rent.

Although, perhaps he is just a monumental cheeky fucker, as they exist in all countries.

I be planning to move and ask him about his plans at this stage.

I don't think it's a specifically cultural thing. I have seen similar situations play out too many times. The world appears to be split into people who move in with friends and family for a very short time, are pathetically grateful, do all they can to help out and move out as soon as they can and other people who move in, do nothing and never leave.

Unfortunately, for some reason, the second group often benefit from a weird reluctance from friends and family to tell them to leave. I would love to say I am stronger than this but actually, I had to learn the lesson the hard way when my flatmate's family friend moved in for "2 weeks" and stayed nearly 2 months... and I said nothing just quietly seethed! After that I've been much better about establishing boundaries at the outset.

OP - tell him he has to go. Give him a timeline and mov him out. do not mention the money. If BIL asks, DH should say, "we assumed that was you helping out financially for the 3 years you've lived here completely rent and cost-free".