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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell My Mum to keep her opinions to herself

45 replies

everythingishandy · 30/08/2021 13:26

First of all I've name changed for this and I'm not a troll if anyone thinks that

I'm in early 20's and live with my parents, My Mum has made comments before when I'm in my room with my door shut especially when it's warm weather, telling me she doesn't understand why I'm siting in my bedroom with my door closed in this hot weather, for some reason she thinks it's a bit rude and secretive. I don't have any headphones, so if I want to listen to music or anything I shut my bedroom door so my parents can't hear it but my Mum seems to interpret it as me being secretive and antisocial. AIBU to tell my Mum to keep her opinions to herself even though it is my parents house?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 30/08/2021 13:29

Of course YABU.
It's her house.
You know the solution, assuming that isn't practical just yet, you need to stick to her rules for now.

SpaceBethSmith · 30/08/2021 13:29

@TheQueef seriously?! She’s 20 years old, of course she can have her bedroom door shut, for fucks sake, my 10YO has her door shut!

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 13:32

Buy some headphones, tell your mother you are not being rude, you simply want some private time, and start making plans to move out.

HirplesWithHaggis · 30/08/2021 13:35

Have you explained to her that you're listening to music and don't want to disturb her? And buy some headphones! It wouldn't bother me if your door was shut, unless it's better for air flow in the rest of the house if you're having warm weather.

But an adult conversation would be better than telling your mum to keep her nose out.

TheQueef · 30/08/2021 13:35

Serious Beth
I had to be strict with one of mine, it's too easy these days to become stuck inside.

Bigtruth · 30/08/2021 13:35

Probably not a lot to be gained from clashing over little things like this. Your mum isn't going to change her opinion from being told to keep her opinions to herself and I'd be amazed if she suddenly actually started keeping them to herself either. All that'll happen is a clash.

It's probably best to humour her from time to time, she obviously wishes you spent more time together, but otherwise just remind her that you're keeping the door closed as a courtesy so you don't disturb them.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

UpsyDaisysarmpit · 30/08/2021 13:36

Hmmm....of course YANBU for wanting to shut your door and have some privacy from time to time. Have you explained your reasoning (not that you have to)? Is she just disappointed that you aren't spending as much time with her as she'd like?

What's the dynamic like in your home? Do you pay an equal contribution towards bills, take part in household chores etc? Is it still the same as when you were younger, and is your mum still viewing you as a 'child', and you still find yourself in that role? Are you working or a student?

UpsyDaisysarmpit · 30/08/2021 13:40

PS. I'm much older now, but I clashed a lot with my mum at that age coming home from university. In fact, once I stormed off back to uni a week early because she had a go at me for living out of my suitcase. And I regretted it too (mostly because it was cold and dark and lonely alone in my student house!). But it got the message across I think.

SukonthaM · 30/08/2021 13:43

I’d put the music on loud and leave the door open. She’ll soon change her tune

Original poster
everythingishandy · 30/08/2021 13:45

My Mum also insists if I go for a run I take my phone with me, which leaves me running with a phone in my hand as if it's my pocket it feels uncomfortable and like it fall out

OP posts:
TheDaydreamBelievers · 30/08/2021 14:06

Taking a phone running is fair enough- important for safety or even if you sprain an ankle and need a lift home etc. Get a spi belt or running leggings with a better pocket

heldinadream · 30/08/2021 14:13

Oh move out OP for god's sake your poor mum!

Get your own place where you can do what you like and not carp at the woman who literally grew you inside her own body over utterly inconsequential shit. Grin

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/08/2021 14:21

Sorry to hear that your mother is so controlling OP. Mine was like that. I left home and it was SO BLOODY GOOD. But easier in my day.

She used to use the 'but I'm your mother' excuse - frankly it was simply an excuse for abuse. No privacy, no doors closed, no mail left unopened - she thought that just because she was my mother she owned me.

The day I left was the best day of my life.

QueenBee52 · 30/08/2021 14:28

Time to move out 🎉

SpeedRunParent · 30/08/2021 14:33

I'm astounded that you're getting a hard time, OP. The idea that a 20 year old living at home ( this being perfectly commonplace these days for no end of possible reasons) shouldn't reasonably expect a little privacy in her own room is ludicrous. Your mum is being unreasonable. Has she always been so controlling?

Original poster
everythingishandy · 30/08/2021 14:40

I'm allowed to have my door closed, it' just the comments she has occasionally made that I'm being secretive. My Dad can be a bit like it as well, if were watching T.V downstairs and I'm on phone he asks questions such as what you looking at on your phone but according to him he's just being chatty and having conversation.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 30/08/2021 14:46

Funny that if it were the mum posting about inconsequential shit like having a door closed posters would be saying DD is an adult and give her a bit of space ffs Hmm

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 15:05

I agree, time to move out. This set up is infantilising you.

Soubriquet · 30/08/2021 15:10

@TheQueef

Of course YABU. It's her house. You know the solution, assuming that isn't practical just yet, you need to stick to her rules for now.
Hmm

She’s fucking 20 not 2!

I would give a teen privacy. Why wouldn’t you give a young adult the same courtesy

Clocktopus · 30/08/2021 15:14

It might be your parents house but it's still your home and you're entitled to some privacy and space.

Is moving out an option? I'd start looking into what's available/affordable locally so you can start preparing to go, apply to social housing too - the wait list isn't that big in some areas, they can also put you in touch with accredited private landlords and house shares.

TheQueef · 30/08/2021 15:29

As I understand it it's not a privacy issue Soub it's a bolt hole issue.

PotteringAlong · 30/08/2021 15:41

My Dad can be a bit like it as well, if were watching T.V downstairs and I'm on phone he asks questions such as what you looking at on your phone but according to him he's just being chatty and having conversation.

Of course that’s just making conversation. Hmm I ask my DH what he’s looking at all the time and him me, we chat about Twitter, mumsnet etc and what we’re reading.

I think if it’s causing you this much angst for normal things the time has come to move out.

GinIronic · 30/08/2021 15:45

Time to move out. Your parents will always see you as a child and do you need time and space away from them. The freedom will be wonderful.

Alpenguin · 30/08/2021 15:47

Maybe you need to call their bluff a bit. Have a bit of fun with either being secretive (create a ridiculous scenario “I’m going to take over the world on sept 7th type notes and todo list or leave a plan for lovely big event for mum and make her feel guilty) or become very “open” and everything. Wander about naked in your room, around the house, overshare. Either way should get her off your back.

I’m never sure confrontation is the best approach but humour can do a lot to get the point across.

KatDubs261 · 30/08/2021 15:48

Time to move out OP. You'll likely get on better once you do...I speak from experience.

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