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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell My Mum to keep her opinions to herself

45 replies

everythingishandy · 30/08/2021 13:26

First of all I've name changed for this and I'm not a troll if anyone thinks that

I'm in early 20's and live with my parents, My Mum has made comments before when I'm in my room with my door shut especially when it's warm weather, telling me she doesn't understand why I'm siting in my bedroom with my door closed in this hot weather, for some reason she thinks it's a bit rude and secretive. I don't have any headphones, so if I want to listen to music or anything I shut my bedroom door so my parents can't hear it but my Mum seems to interpret it as me being secretive and antisocial. AIBU to tell my Mum to keep her opinions to herself even though it is my parents house?

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 30/08/2021 15:49

the woman who literally grew you inside her own body

In the bin with that sort of shite, it sounds like something one of those 'stately homes' mothers says.

FilledSoda · 30/08/2021 17:18

You need to move out, everything will easier .
Is it doable ?
Are you working ?
At least in a house share you'll be able to close your door.
I think your dd is being passive aggressive by the way , I bet he thinks sitting on your phone is rude .

FangsForTheMemory · 30/08/2021 17:23

Of course you're not being unreasonable. TBH at 20, you really need a place of your own, even if it's a houseshare with questionable plumbing. I left my parents' house when I was 18 and for the last six months I was counting the days.

Suzi888 · 30/08/2021 17:24

@Alpenguin

Maybe you need to call their bluff a bit. Have a bit of fun with either being secretive (create a ridiculous scenario “I’m going to take over the world on sept 7th type notes and todo list or leave a plan for lovely big event for mum and make her feel guilty) or become very “open” and everything. Wander about naked in your room, around the house, overshare. Either way should get her off your back.

I’m never sure confrontation is the best approach but humour can do a lot to get the point across.

🤣 As a mum I’d have no problem with a closed bedroom door (tidy room and no boys in there

of course) Can’t you just ignore the ‘secretive’ comments. If you want more privacy, you’ll need to move out.

ConkerBonkers · 30/08/2021 19:31

You should buy a pair of running leggings from m and s which have a pocket on the side of the thigh which fits a big smart phone. It is a good idea to take a phone with you out running, I can see why your mum wants you to. It's because she cares. Plus you could Bluetooth your music to some headphones, or listen to a podcast or something

Notjustanymum · 05/09/2021 14:56

OP, it can take some parents a bit of adjustment to their DC’s becoming an adult. If you’re doing your own washing and contributing both financially and practically to your household, it’s time to have The Conversation:
“Mum, Dad, now that I’m an adult and I contribute to my keep and do my fair share of the household chores, don’t you think that we need to change our family dynamic? I do sometimes feel as if you are still treating me like a teenager, so can we agree some new tolerances? I do love spending time with you but I also need my own private time. How can we work out something that will work for all of us?”

JustGiveMeGin · 05/09/2021 15:09

@everythingishandy I get you completely me and my sister shared a room, she spent a lot of time up there from her early teens. My mum hated it. God knows why, my mother is the most anti social woman to walk the planet but she used to start ridiculous arguments with my sister about it! She was nasty and called my sister all sorts of names.....we both moved out by the time we were 20 and its the best thing we ever did. If you are working and can scrape enough together for a house share or something just do it
I have an 11 year old and an almost 15 year old, they both go to their rooms whenever they like and they both shut the door because they are allowed privacy whether it is my home or not.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2021 15:18

Are you paying board?

SavageBeauty73 · 05/09/2021 15:40

How ridiculous. I have 3 teens and if they don't shut their doors, I do as I can't bare the sound of their music/gaming/yelling. They do moan when I play 80's music loudly.

Bambooshoot · 05/09/2021 16:29

Your parents love you and want to be involved in your life, but now that you’re older, you find that intrusive. You need to move out - until you do, they will still see you as the child you once were, which seems only a few years ago to them but a lifetime for you. Remember, for the last 20 or so years they have been doing their absolute best to make sure you were protected, healthy, well fed and happy. Go easy on them, it’s hard to make the break. But you can’t bitch about them if you still live at home. You need to show them you’re an adult if you want them to treat you as one.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/09/2021 16:35

Everyone is entitled to privacy. I bet your mum shuts her bedroom door sometimes!
Time to move out I think. I am the mother of young adults and it is really hard to adjust and treat them like adults especially when they behave like kids. Moving out can be good for everyone.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 16:43

I don't think you should have to move out at 20 to escape this. It sounds like you might be a student, used to more independence and then at home for the summer? If you are behaving well and considerately (tidying up after yourself etc) I think they need to be less picky about what seem to be very unimportant things.
You have a right to privacy, but maybe explain that to them calmly and nicely,
Try humour when they say something about what you are watching/doing. Challenge them a bit in a nice way .

pigsDOfly · 05/09/2021 16:48

You need to moved out - until you do, they will still see you as the child you once were, which seems only a few years ago to them but a lifetime for you.

What utter nonsense.

The OP is a 20 year old woman (I'm assuming woman) why on earth is it reasonable, or to be expected, for her parents to still see her as a child?

I was knocking on my children's bedroom doors years before they were 20 years old and my parents were the same with me.

I wouldn't tell your mother to keep her opinions to herself OP because that's a very confrontational way to speak to anyone, let alone the person who's house you're living in, but I certainly would have an adult conversation around why she feels you should be expected to keep your door open at all times and how intrusive that is.

If, indeed, as pp has suggested, she still sees you as a child, then maybe it is time for you to move out otherwise this is never going to change.

BeyondMyWits · 05/09/2021 16:52

I have 2 at home from uni dd19, dd20. They can do what they like in their own rooms so long as their noise doesn't impact on my sleep after 11pm (that has been our house rule from day 1). If they are in the living room, I'll try to make conversation... that's what adults do...

If you are an adult... contribute to the household through money and/or chores, do your own laundry, keep your room clean, change bed linen, clean the shower plughole of your hair (make your mum a cuppa from time to time )... then have an adult discussion about her treating you as one. If you are still acting as a teenager, then she is entitled to treat you as one.

Bambooshoot · 05/09/2021 16:53

@pigsDOfly

You need to moved out - until you do, they will still see you as the child you once were, which seems only a few years ago to them but a lifetime for you.

What utter nonsense.

The OP is a 20 year old woman (I'm assuming woman) why on earth is it reasonable, or to be expected, for her parents to still see her as a child?

I was knocking on my children's bedroom doors years before they were 20 years old and my parents were the same with me.

If, indeed, as pp has suggested, she still sees you as a child, then maybe it is time for you to move out otherwise this is never going to change.

A bit rude, no? If they are treating her as a child, stands to reason they see her as one, regardless of your own, entirely different, parental success?

billy1966 · 05/09/2021 17:03

@Aquamarine1029

Buy some headphones, tell your mother you are not being rude, you simply want some private time, and start making plans to move out.

This.

From the age of 12 all 4 of my children retreated to the privacy of their bedrooms.

Perfectly normal.

Your mother sounds a PITA.

Tell her you would appreciate if she kept her opinions to herself, wanting a bit of privacy is very normal.

Perhaps if she was less pass remarkable you would be downstairs more.

pigsDOfly · 05/09/2021 17:03

@Bambooshoot I'm very sorry if that sounded rude or harsh, but why on earth should a 20 year old woman have to accept that her parents will go on seeing her as a child?

She's 20 years old, she's entitled to be treated like an autonomous adult.

billy1966 · 05/09/2021 17:04

Keep your tone respectful naturally!

saraclara · 05/09/2021 17:11

How much time do you spend in your room, OP? Do you spend any time at all socialising with your parents?

Maybe they feel that they're giving you a home as an adult, but getting nothing back from you?

I don't know if you pay them anything, but if your adult child spends no time with you while benefitting from being able to save lots of money, it can feel a bit like a rejection.

Not saying that it is the case, I just wondered. You're early twenties now, not a reclusive mid teen wanting to be far away from the parental presence.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 05/09/2021 17:51

This sounds to me like normal family life when you reach the stage where its nearly time for the children to fly the nest. You are moving on to the next stage of your life and resenting being treated like a teenager, your parents still see you as their child and treat you as they always have. Its time to start thinking about what's next with your living arrangements and making plans.

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