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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a lot of us have changed since lockdown?

35 replies

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 11:50

It may simply be a life-stage thing, so I'm not sure (perimemopausal, children have flown nest)
I've always found it easy to make and keep friends. Not one for big gatherings although I can cope with them, but enjoy small groups, and seeing friends individually or as couples with DH.
Never had a problem having a chat with strangers, say at bus stop or queuing in shops say. I'd say I read social cues well.
But lately I'm much happier with my own company, and DH. On my own all day today as DH is off playing golf.
I could ring my mum (she'd be delighted) or a friend and have a chat, or arrange a quick coffee here or there, or somewhere in between, but don't really feel like it.
I walked the dog earlier and got chatting with a neighbour, and that was nice.
I used to have a horse at a fairly busy yard, and counted the people there as my friends, but yard closed and over time we all drifted apart. Likewise old work mates.
I still see them on FB so I know what they're up to, but it's hard to pin people down to actually meet up with them.
And I'm aware I'm part of the problem because I'm not putting much effort in either.
I'd planned to see a friend on Saturday but she cancelled last minute and I was mainly relieved.
Yesterday DH and I had lunch with his brother's family at a pub. It was nice, then we went our separate ways after a couple of hours. We were glad to get home and it was only an hour each way.
I don't know what I'm asking really as written down, I'm luckier than many and don't feel lonely.
Maybe if other people feel the same disconnect to the world as I do?
I feel more like an observer than a participant, if that makes sense.
Just to add I keep up with current affairs, try not to get worked up about what I can't do anything about, though I stay informed and support charities that fit my values.
Good relationships with adult children and if they are happy, I am happy.
Low level depression, draining hormones, dissociation because life has been a bit shit (though mine specifically hasn't been too bad) or a reasonable response to the general restrictions etc?

OP posts:

malificent7 · 30/08/2021 11:53

I think you are right...i think i enjoy my own company lots more now

Alternista · 30/08/2021 11:57

Not just you. I just can’t be arsed to make the effort at the moment and I’m not quite sure why…

LetsGoDoDoDo · 30/08/2021 11:57

I had Saturday night to myself as DP and DD were both away. I could have arranged to meet a friend for dinner but life is so busy I chose to do bugger all and enjoyed every minute of it.

I think we have different needs at different points in our life. You sound content... there's no right or wrong here.

TwoAndAnOnion · 30/08/2021 11:59

Im much more social now, always out. Life is for the living.

flowerpootle · 30/08/2021 12:03

I'm the same OP. Maybe it's become more acceptable to be happy alone? I've always loved my own company / small groups/ 1-1 but lately crave more of the former. Also - much more choosy about who I spend time with.

MadMadMadamMim · 30/08/2021 12:04

I'd agree with you, OP. Part of my problem has been I had Covid last year and have been stuck in long Covid/chronic fatigue ever since. And although I'm much better now, although still not fully recovered, I've certainly got in the habit of being very, very cautious about what I agree to do.

I'm aware that my energy is limited, and a great many suggestions about coffee/meeeting up with people mostly leave me thinking that I can't be bothered. It will be tiring, leave me feeling wiped out afterwards and probably isn't worth it. Partly I suspect I'm exaggerating in my own mind how tiring it will be because for the past year I've been unable to do very much - and as a consequence have got used to weighing up very, very carefully whether I actually need or want to do that activity.

I'm also menopausal, adult children flown, and beginning to realise that if you don't want to do something then why bother? Why make the effort unless you're really keen and enthusiastic? And the problem is, I don't feel really keen and enthusiastic about doing anything much anymore...

Mommabear20 · 30/08/2021 12:07

I agree! I've always been content with my own company but now I actually enjoy it over other peoples most days

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 12:09

Hmmm, content, yes I think I am @LetsGoDoDoDo
Maybe that's all it is. There's a sense of survivor's guilt, knowing other people are struggling or suffering.

I also feel there is a possibility that I have been dropped by a couple of women friends that I used to be much closer to. They don't know each other, but they are the ones I used to have deep and meaningful conversations with.
But they are the ones who keep cancelling. I think it's a question of 'Flora won't mind' because we go way back, and their reasons seem genuine. And chances are they are feeling like I am (same age/life stage)
If we do get together I'll see what they have to say.

OP posts:

AntiSocialDistancer · 30/08/2021 12:10

I've changed. When you consider how frightening it was in the beginning, how isolating and how restrictive life has been for months now, the fact that most people have a different way of life now is to be expected.

Not sure how long till everything feels normal again.

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 12:11

@TwoAndAnOnion

Im much more social now, always out. Life is for the living.

People seem to have gone one way or the other, I think. The psychology of it all is very interesting.

OP posts:

Cabbagewhites · 30/08/2021 12:11

Same. The disconnected observer feeling exactly.
We’ve been passive for so long.
Hard to get up the oomph for anything.

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 12:22

Yes yes to choosy about who I spend time with. I'm lucky that DH is a sweetheart, been married years and he's my best friend. I do crave others for more deep conversations though. To an extent, MN has become my go-to for philosophical/hypothetical conversations. I rarely partake but posts often challenge my beliefs and make me think more deeply.
I don't enjoy Facebook as it all seems a bit frenetic. I only look at friends' photos really.
I think perhaps I have what the introverts call a satisfying inner life as I think a lot but don't really share my thoughts (this thread is an example of it though)
It's interesting that many of you feel similar, it seems.

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2021 12:25

This resonates. I find I have to give myself a massive kick up the arse to do things I'd have done effortlessly before. If I have a routine, like my weekly mile in the swimming pool, I can generally psych myself up to do it. But in most other areas my concentration and motivation have gone to the dogs.

Things still feel far from 'normal' to me. It feels like the world's longest ever hangover, without the party or any of the fun to begin with.

I received a meme the other day which read:

'You just went through 1.5 years of a profound ongoing threat to your
health/wellbeing/life, social isolation, aggressive disinformation, political turmoil, and financial uncertainty. Of course you are not functioning at your peak'.

The more people I speak to, the more I hear the same thing. I'm sorry so many are in this position, but relieved it's not just me.

DilysPhyllis · 30/08/2021 12:29

Similar OP, I still enjoy seeing friends and chatting etc but don't feel the need to do it at the same level as before covid.

I've cut right down on social media too which has been the best thing for me, I appreciate the people I actually see and am keen to maintain friendships of substance instead of mentally keeping up with all and sundry and what they're up when when actually most of it is irrelevant to me and taking up brain space. I like the way it was back in the 90's so I'm going retro with friendships 😊 I don't miss other peoples "noise" in my head even if it's nice noise.

I feel more free now and value my own company and family company much more. So much socialising, even just keeping up with so many people, virtually or superficially was actually a drain on me. It could be something that would have happened with age I don't know but life is for living and I definitely feel I'm living a much better and more contented life now.

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 12:38

@MarieIVanArkleStinks that meme really sums it up. Thank you for sharing it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 12:38

@DilysPhyllis

Similar OP, I still enjoy seeing friends and chatting etc but don't feel the need to do it at the same level as before covid.

Yes, all of this! I'm feeling a bit retro too.

OP posts:

Parttimemostofthetime · 30/08/2021 12:38

I feel you op. I do my own thing a lot more now and I'm not fussed on what others are up to.
My calendar has been filling with social events and I'm trying to get out of a few because I'd rather spend some down time on my own or with my Dh and dc.

Before covid I'd go to everything I was invited to/ expected to but over lockdown I've realised theres nothing wrong with me not wanting to socialise every weekend

MarshmallowSwede · 30/08/2021 12:41

Yes definitely you are right. I think I’m used to being at home with my husband. We have a routine now for our weekends and we aren’t as bothered about socializing.

I think also part of me is gearing up for the winter where in general I go out less. But I do think lockdown has made a lot of us learn to enjoy quiet time at home more.

Faircastle · 30/08/2021 12:43

I was just thinking about this last night.

Years ago, when I was at home full-time looking after small children, I needed interaction with other adults for my sanity. Once they started school and I went back to work, I stayed in the habit of regularly spending time with friends, enjoyed it, and was under the impression that it was an important factor in my wellbeing.

In the first lockdown I found it difficult to adjust to rarely spending time with anyone outside my household, but at this point I've adjusted so fully that I'm quite content with my own company and the company of those I live with. Socialising in groups now feels like more of an effort and I feel more tired afterwards, which doesn't motivate me to make plans. There are a few friends for whom I'm willing to make the effort, but my social circle has narrowed considerably.

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 12:49

@Faircastle I was exactly the same when my children were small, and beyond. You make a really good point.

I'm sorry I can't quite get to responding individually to everybody but I'm enjoying reading all the posts. Thank you for all your contributions

OP posts:

Original poster

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 14:55

I've spent far too much time on MN today. Joined in threads that I normally wouldn't.
No wonder real life seems a little dull in comparison. Highly addictive.

Flora....step away from the phone!

OP posts:

saoirsesaoirse · 30/08/2021 20:17

Completely agree.

I've become very choosy about who I spend time with. I used to spend a lot of time socialising, often with acquaintances such DP's work colleagues and friends through his hobby cycling so I hope I'm not outed. They aren't really my kind of people, but I would always find it difficult to turn down an invitation.

I don't have the same fear of missing out that I used to, and I certainly don't feel obliged to agreeing to a social invitation because I feel it's the friendly, polite thing to do. On reflection it was making me far too tired and pulled in too many directions. I'm now quite content to say "sorry, I can't make it that night" and not justify myself. I feel a lot better for it.

However, the pandemic has also made me value my family much more, but I also feel I can't spend more time with my (CEV) parents as I'd like, as I work in a very non-secure workplace.

thebeatingofthedrums · 30/08/2021 20:20

I've changed a lot - not all for the better. Some for the better.

I think a large part of it has been the number of people I know who have been ill or passed away. I've reflected a lot on what really matters to me, and what doesn't.

I can't believe anyone's come out of this with the same world view...

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/08/2021 20:29

I get it. My life has changed a lot, some external circumstances that collided with covid, some internal/personal stuff. Also, probably wrongly, other people’s attitudes to covid/risk made some friendships untenable.

Things have changed. We’re still in the immediate aftermath of all this though, and I think it’s too early to declare that this is how things are now.

Runrigdan · 30/08/2021 20:37

I think know what you mean. I've never been a massively social person anyway and now I just feel a bit.... Disconnected?

I love my husband and two young kids but I just can't seem to find the motivation for much else. It feels like we have been in a very long and boring limbo without much to look forward to. My husband keeps encouraging me to meet up with friends but I would rather just have some time alone to go for a walk or read a book in the sun.

I can't decide if I'm low level depressed or if it's a normal reaction to how life is now.

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