To think my husband has Aspergers?

[Doodledream]

I’ve seen a couple of posts on here before about partners on the spectrum and I’d really appreciate a bit of advice from those with knowledge and experience on this. I’m feeling very lonely and emotionally exhausted.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we’ve had ongoing issues, mostly with my frustration that he can’t/won’t do a lot of things I think of as simple aspects of operating as an adult. He can be so intelligent, perceptive, funny, but then will be like the worst 12 year old child when it comes to simple interactions with the world.

Firstly, can anyone help me with whether this is actually an undiagnosed personality trait? For years I’ve just thought he was lazy or spoilt but I’ve recently wondered whether it might be more complex than that.
Typical behaviours include:

• Getting really wound up when we have guests (only mine), and always finding something to get stressed about
• Being rude or ignoring people he doesn’t like (again mostly my friends and family)
• Drinks a lot in social occasions, often way more than anyone else, and can’t seem to interact otherwise
• Finds it easier to interact with men way older than him. Hard to interact with those his age
• Gets very burnt out by any kind of pressure, social interaction.
• Avoids doing anything until the last second, wastes a lot of time at work, refuses to commit to plans (I know we all do this, but I would consider his procrastination to be chronic)
• Hyper protective about our son in strange ways and gets panicky about things really quickly (eg he was shaking his head a bit and had a bit of milk on his lip and he was worried he was having a fit… he was absolutely fine!)
• Tries to intellectualise a lot of things, setting up a protective barrier/ trying to be superior to people all the time, or saying that things or boring/dumb when he means doesn’t like
• Really bad at basic conversation cues like will walk off mid conversation, often doesn’t reply to something
• Unusually bad at judging certain things. He’s a bright person, but often is way, way off in his estimation of things (eg cost of our wedding, time to do a walk of x miles, ability to paint our house on his own in a week…)

This could turn into a very long list now I think about it! But hopefully gives a sense of the

My next question is then how to handle this? I would ideally like him to meet with a professional who could test him, and potentially help up both to work better together. But I fear if I don’t approach things in the right way he’ll get defensive or clam up and that will be the end of it.

I’m conscious this is quite long now so I should leave it there. But I’ll be incredibly appreciative of any guidance anyone can offer.

I don't think any of those behaviours you've listed sound particularly specific to Aspergers.

I’m going to disagree with the previous poster, your DH has a lot of features of my highly anxious DH DD and DS. all who are formally diagnosed with ASD ADHD mixed anxiety disorders

DH put himself forward for assessment after he realised the DC were just like him and they were assessed and diagnosed. I realised very early on that he was autistic but it took him time to see and accept this himself

How is your son? many parents are diagnosed after their children are identified and assessed when they recognise the behaviour patterns in themselves

I do realise a lot of these behaviours don’t seem like anything unusual on their own, but I have this very strong sense that together they point towards something more than just behavioural or personality traits.

@Tomnooktoldmeto your description of a mix of ADHD and anxiety disorders sounds very similar to what I’ve thought my husband might have. And his dad is exactly the same, and I know has caused a great deal of stress for his mum over the years.

My son is almost 1 and my heart aches that he might face the same challenges as my husband. In starting to try to understand Aspergers, I’m learning how difficult and complicated life for my husband must actually be.

On the one hand, I feel more understanding towards my husband, but also so stressed and overwhelmed. I’ve already had to make myself and my life so much smaller to accommodate his various worries and preferences. I used to be a very optimistic, open, confident person but that person is slipping away.

Does he seem at all likely to engage with professionals to change his behaviour? Regardless of the cause, it seems very difficult to live with

This might be worth a look OP.

@Shoxfordian I think he’ll be very resistant, especially if I don’t approach it in the right way. I’m just not sure how best to frame it so he doesn’t feel criticised.

He’s not going to change then: the question is how long you want to live with it?

It's up to your husband if he wants to seek a diagnosis but from what you've said I'd certainly recommend encouraging it or at least encourage him to research both ASD and ADHD and living with these conditions.

My wife has ADHD, I have ASD and I can definitely recognise traits from both of us in your description. Diagnosis was a great first step for both of us in helping us understand certain behaviours and also to address them.

Living with anyone is hard enough, when they are not neuro typical it can be harder again. But understanding a little how the other person's mind works can help the partner reduce stresses and manage situations effectively, I'd use that kind of logic when encouraging him to seek a diagnosis.

Many of these behaviours sound like my DH who was recently diagnosed with ADHD.

Is your DH open to seeking a diagnosis? Just knowing what we are dealing with has been a big help.

@Bigtruth thank you, this is really sound, especially on identifying best ways to reduce respective stresses - this just isn’t working at the moment

@Littlelightchink how did your DH decide to seek a diagnosis? Did you need to prompt in any way?

Sounds more like a public school boy or someone with very rigid strict parents?

@Doodledream He was in denial about it and I had to do a lot of research myself. It was frustrating and got to the point where I said I'd be leaving unless he addressed his behaviour. I think I framed it something like: 'You're either acting like an arse or you have a condition like ADHD - which would you rather it be'? 😉 (Remind me never to go into counselling)..

He can't concentrate on things he's not interested in so I got him watching YouTube videos about ADHD - it was that that made him realise what they were describing was exactly like him.

Our GP wasn't great, he'd already diagnosed DH with depression and put him on medication without getting to the bottom of what was going on.

We sought a private diagnosis (online because of the pandemic) and went from there. It was well worth it, but tough to go through (and still challenging at times).

Since then another family member has been diagnosed and we suspect DH's sister also has ADHD and ASD, but she doesn't want to seek a diagnosis.

There doesn't seem to be any support I've been able to find for partners of people with ADHD.

The term Asperger's is no longer used and, tbh, the stuff you have mentioned sounds more like ADHD (which I have and was actually only diagnosed with as an adult).

It is possible that he is neurodiverse, but none of us are medical experts. Getting him to agree to seek a diagnosis as to whether or not this is the case may be difficult though.

I believe my husband is autistic and have only come to the realisation after going through the process of getting my son diagnosed. He is an amazing husband and father in many ways but also demonstrates some of the behaviours you listed above along with others. For many years, I called him jekyll and hyde because sometimes it was like living with two different people especially when he was over stressed. I can now see he displays the same sensory issues as my son but over the years has tried to mask them and when they did show I thought he was just being an awkward and uncompromising twat. However, I know realise that sometimes he can't help how he feels or reacts to certain situations. We have talked at length about it and he is starting to realise it and the similarities between him and my son. They clash a lot. I asked him to do an ados questionnaire online without reading the intro. Got him to answer questions honestly and he scored highly with strong autistic traits. It is unlikely he will ever seek professional support but we are making small steps ahead.

However, i am exhausted trying to implement strategies to support both him and my son.

This is an indicator of autism when the Asperger's term was used. No online test is definitive, nor does anyone have all of the traits listed on any of the online tests.

aspergerstest.net/aq-test/

It's very common for someone to have ASD and ADHD and sometimes other conditions as well at the same time, they are called co-morbids, so don't worry too much about the actual name of the diagnosis, that's for the medical professionals to sort out.

As several people have said, getting him to see something which he can identify with and see as positive would really help.

I am 95% sure DH has ASD (have background in education and am very familiar with indicators). When I suggested this to him he got quite upset and couldnt see it in himself.

The approach I have taken is that a diagnosis in itself wont change anything and it is about managing the condition. We talk about the situations that he struggles with and we plan how to manage them together. I have stopped myself getting wound up about the things he cant change and have accepted those.

@Littlelightchink thank you, this is really helpful. I do wish there was support for partners. Battling a lot with the realisation that I will always be having to adjust my life and self around it

@Combustablecustard that all sounds like a wise approach. I suspect I’ll have to do the same but would like to try for a diagnosis and professional help as I’d hope it would help us move past the use of alcohol and coffee as coping tools, and get to a more healthy way of living as a family

There's quite an overlap between ADHD and Autism symptoms/traits and can be diagnosed with both. I saw an article about ADHD and it resonated with me & explained a lot which depression didn't.

The AQ10 is what is used for initial Autism screener for referral it seems.
embrace-autism.com/ cover whole range of the different tests and explain pros & flaws , some are based on quite outdated/limited research.

I like Sam & purple Ella. I found it really useful to hear autistic's experiences both on YouTube and Facebook groups to be able to relate as it's so variable. I didn't see it at all when Autism was initially suggested (by professional) to me after reading up but I didn't really understand what may class as sensory, stims, repetitive and masking behaviours etc to connect the dots.

Melissa Orlav is good for relationship advice relating to Neurodiverse difficulties
www.adhdmarriage.com/content/melissa-orlov

There's lots of resources for ADHD and practical how to's for tackling executive function related issues as typical methods suggested often don't help and suggest it's down to own lack of effort/will power which increases feeling of failure and shame, rather than blame a dopamine deficiency. TBH i found these helpful before I was officially diagnosed, just knowing others out there also struggled and exploring new ways, figuring out what helped or didn't.

adhduk.co.uk/diagnosis-pathways/
www.additudemag.com/
howtoadhd.com/
Lots of podcasts, YouTube, tiktok content
blog.feedspot.com/adhd_podcasts/

Now you have DC you realise just how much energy you are spending trying to tip toe around him trying not to trigger him into being moody, shouting, physically aggressive towards you.

He sounds unpleasant and you're grasping for some reason to explain why he's so horrible to you.

He doesn't see anything wrong with the way he behaves towards you. He's happy using alcohol and coffee to make himself feel better and screw his wife and child.

Have you ever told him how unpleasant his behaviour is? Has he ever got help from the GP e.g. antidepressants, CBT?

Do shares many of those traits. We went for counselling and the counsellor said to him ‘of course, you are on the spectrum as eek’, when we were talking about dd and their recent diagnosis. Dp has never been diagnosed but it helped me accept some of the issues you describe. Our communication has improved and I am a lot more sympathetic. Dp has not pursued an official diagnosis and I don’t think it would change anything for us, so I’m not asking him to.

As well, not as eek!

@123Squirrel thank you so much, these resources look really helpful. I’ve been very guilty in the past of blaming him for low effort etc whereas I now am starting to understand there’s so much more going on

@SoundBar I spent a lot of time thinking this too but now I’ve realised it’s something he’s not able to control (although he really does try)

@Haggisfish3 I guess I wouldn’t particularly mind either if he wasn’t officially diagnosed, as long as could get support that was sensitive to him being neurodivergent. I’ve done a lot of reading over the last day on Cassandra complex and realise how much I need support myself, even if he doesn’t want to do it with me.

@esloquehay

The term Asperger's is no longer used and, tbh, the stuff you have mentioned sounds more like ADHD (which I have and was actually only diagnosed with as an adult).

It is still used for diagnosis and likely to be until the early part of next year when the guidance in this country is updated. People who've had that diagnosis can still use it after the change of they choose.

While I originally posted here for practical advice, I need to add how very overwhelming this process is of finally understanding what I’ve experienced in our relationship.

I’ve spent so much time soul searching over behaviours I couldn’t understand, feeling heartbroken and disappointed again and again and again. And most acutely at really important life stage events (wedding, birth of our child, etc) where he’s needed to control them and have them go according to what he wants.

I’ve lost friends through seeking support and them doubting everything I say, or distanced myself from others because it’s too stressful trying to see people he doesn’t like.

I can’t speak to anyone about it because it would be disloyal to him, but I just need to write it down to feel heard it some way.