To think my husband has Aspergers?

[Doodledream]

I’ve seen a couple of posts on here before about partners on the spectrum and I’d really appreciate a bit of advice from those with knowledge and experience on this. I’m feeling very lonely and emotionally exhausted.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we’ve had ongoing issues, mostly with my frustration that he can’t/won’t do a lot of things I think of as simple aspects of operating as an adult. He can be so intelligent, perceptive, funny, but then will be like the worst 12 year old child when it comes to simple interactions with the world.

Firstly, can anyone help me with whether this is actually an undiagnosed personality trait? For years I’ve just thought he was lazy or spoilt but I’ve recently wondered whether it might be more complex than that.
Typical behaviours include:

• Getting really wound up when we have guests (only mine), and always finding something to get stressed about
• Being rude or ignoring people he doesn’t like (again mostly my friends and family)
• Drinks a lot in social occasions, often way more than anyone else, and can’t seem to interact otherwise
• Finds it easier to interact with men way older than him. Hard to interact with those his age
• Gets very burnt out by any kind of pressure, social interaction.
• Avoids doing anything until the last second, wastes a lot of time at work, refuses to commit to plans (I know we all do this, but I would consider his procrastination to be chronic)
• Hyper protective about our son in strange ways and gets panicky about things really quickly (eg he was shaking his head a bit and had a bit of milk on his lip and he was worried he was having a fit… he was absolutely fine!)
• Tries to intellectualise a lot of things, setting up a protective barrier/ trying to be superior to people all the time, or saying that things or boring/dumb when he means doesn’t like
• Really bad at basic conversation cues like will walk off mid conversation, often doesn’t reply to something
• Unusually bad at judging certain things. He’s a bright person, but often is way, way off in his estimation of things (eg cost of our wedding, time to do a walk of x miles, ability to paint our house on his own in a week…)

This could turn into a very long list now I think about it! But hopefully gives a sense of the

My next question is then how to handle this? I would ideally like him to meet with a professional who could test him, and potentially help up both to work better together. But I fear if I don’t approach things in the right way he’ll get defensive or clam up and that will be the end of it.

I’m conscious this is quite long now so I should leave it there. But I’ll be incredibly appreciative of any guidance anyone can offer.

Of course it's not 'disloyal' to talk to someone you trust about it. That's what friends are for!

People who have ASD can still be abusive. I say that as someone who has ASD, one DD ASD, one ADHD. The affects of living with him is that your self esteem is being eroded. You got to look after you, because he won't. Do you want your child treading on eggshells and their self esteem rock bottom?
Him and his Dad might be on the spectrum, but it doesn't mean that he hasn't picked up and normalised abusive behaviour from his Dad. He's isolated you. You are living according to his anxiety. Ultimatums have to happen. He has been functioning enough to build a life and hold a job. He can function enough so it doesn't destroy your life, if he wants to. That might mean outside help/medication/hard work, but he's got to recognise that you don't have to sacrifice yourself. This will only get worse as he ages.

It sounds like a lot of symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

Sometimes anxiety can manifest in strange ways, but it could be autism as well. You will only know if you go for a professional diagnosis.

The question is, how much is this going to help him at this point? Does he have any insight into his difficulties and do you think he is curious and wants to know more?

If so, then it might be worth a visit to the GP. But if not, you can't force it.

A lot of the support for ASD is around children and there is not a lot in adulthood other than online forums which he can access anyway if he wants to. Getting a diagnosis as an adult is often simply about understanding yourself better.

Anxiety is more treatable and he could get medication or therapy to help him with that.

I would encourage a conversation and see where he's at and if he feels like he needs some support.

please google primitive reflexes or infant reflexes not going dormant - worth considering if its appropriate to your husband you can help your son if he has inherited the tendency to have the same.
One of the key reflexes not going dormant is the flight or fright reflex. If it doesn't go dormant the person is on high alert all the time and easily stressed and easily distracted.

They do not diognose aspergers anymore it is an outdated term. It is now just ASD. Autism spectrum disorder.

OP you don't have to put up with his traits. I wouldn't live with an adult in this situation, he sounds very arrogant and entitled which can be a trait for aspergers.
No matter what his reasons he deliberately puts your loved ones outside the box.

My partner has Asperger's, he'd always been difficult and had issues doing certain things when I came across a leaflet about AS symptoms. We ended up in an argument and I just blurted it out. It was a dick move on my part but it stopped the argument. DP asked me why I thought he had AS and I went through my reasoning. He accepted it as he grew up thinking something was wrong with him. Whilst he isn't officially diagnosed, his DN has been and MIL has said that they were similar growing up. Having a diagnosis, even an unofficial one, has allowed him to be comfortable in himself. He knows there's nothing wrong with him and he knows what triggers him. It helped me deal with our relationship and I learnt how to respond to him. It's not always easy but I wouldn't change him. We now have a baby boy and we're aware that he could be Autistic.

@Doodledream I agree with others who say ASD, ADHD or whatever he might have is no reason for you to tolerate abusive behaviour.

As I said upthread, I gave my DH an ultimatum and he sought help. However, we and the GP didn't realise there was more to it than depression and it was up to me to work out what it actually was ahead of the private diagnosis to confirm it

But my DH is at heart a good man who's committed to our marriage. Although he was in denial at first, it was a relief when he found out why his brain works differently. We have both made huge strides in finding ways to accommodate his ADHD. It's still not easy, but he's not acting like a dick any more - and he's happy for me to give him a nudge when the ADHD traits start ramping up.

If your DH won't get a proper diagnosis, you have to put yourself first and I would seriously think about separating.

Many years ago Relate Derbyshire had expertise and offered support.Im not sure if this is still available,might be worth a look.

@DeflatedGinDrinker

They do not diognose aspergers anymore it is an outdated term. It is now just ASD. Autism spectrum disorder.

I got diagnosed with Asperger's last week. The specialist who assessed me told me that the guidance isn't changing until next year, so the term is still in use. Her report also says that given the imminent changes it would be useful to consider me as having an ASD. I'm probably going to stick with Asperger's though.

My nephew was diognosed about 6 weeks ago and was told by CAMHS they do not diognose it anymore it is now all ASD. Interesting people are being told different things.

Do not diognose aspergers that should have said

They said something about the term aspergers divides people on the spectrum when the whole point of a spectrum is that everyones different.

Whether he’s autistic or not he’s still being controlling and bullying. If he was diagnosed he would still need to put in lots of work to be able to cope with everyday life. With a man like this, I would worry that a diagnosis would only serve as a backup tool for him to bully you more effectively.

@Doodledream
Those are all Aspergers traits. My husband is 42. He has an IQ of 150. He has 'special I interests'. I prefer to call them fixations. He wants to be a world champion marathon, owns 20 pairs of running shoes. He logs every run or walk he does. His other interest is collecting CDs. I have met several of his running mates, and boy they could also be on the spectrum. He can be the most funny and charming man but the biggest idiot. Completely frustrating. E.g. when renovating the house; instead of talking to the people installing the kitchen who were standing in front of him, he calls me at my workplace in the office. He cannot, cannot talk to men equal to his age group. He never takes accountability, throws tantrums, at least three times a year he throws a tantrum and wants to move out. His youngest brother is aspie too, and they have a few mental illnesses in their family, such as proper bipolar disorder, schizophrenia...there seems to be a connection. He refuses to go to a specialist Aspergers psychologist. He is currently seeing a dumb (non specialist) psychologist who wouldn't no Aspergers from his right foot. You have to live it everyday to pick up the subtleties in its entirety. He chews every bite of food, and he can eat, boy he can eat. If he starts a project, he struggles to maintain concentration. I have told him that I plan to write a memoir titled 'The dumbest smart man in the room'