Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is the most important aspects of a healthly marriage

57 replies

Lockeddownagain · 30/08/2021 10:51

So what do you think is the most important things in a marriage
I'm not a journalist I'm just interested

OP posts:
nameisnotimportant · 30/08/2021 13:20

To be kind to each other and speak to each other as if they are your favourite person in the world

ShinyHappySummers · 30/08/2021 15:32

Space.

"The pillars of the temple stand apart"

💖💖💖

What is the most important aspects of a healthly marriage
ShinyHappySummers · 30/08/2021 15:35

@scarpa

Trust, fun, sexual compatibility, life compatibility (particularly politically and morally), willingness to communicate, healthy view of what long-term relationships entail.

The last two are probably the things I think you need to 'learn' - the others are there or they're not. DH and I have had some incredibly difficult things happen during our relationship - big tragic life stuff. I wasn't prepared for how much that would be a test of us as a couple as well as individually - I assumed the whole 'strong foundation will see you through anything' was enough. Turns out we needed both to communicate and accept that sometimes, one or both of us wasn't going to be our best self generally and therefore not necessarily our best self in the relationship, and that that was part of the ebb and flow of sharing your life with someone. I particularly had the idea that a partner should be fundamental in helping someone 'fix' themselves during hard times, and it took both him not needing or wanting that when he was mentally ill, and me realising he couldn't do that when it was me, to realise it was unrealistic and you have to get your own shit in order first.

It helped during the really hard times to know it was part of the ride, and that I/he would come back to each other when we'd sorted our shit out.

Such good advice @scarpa
Mum21031608 · 30/08/2021 15:38

Time together with the children.
Time together as a couple.
Time alone.

All three are equally important in both mine and DH’s eyes so we ensure each criteria is met.

JustLyra · 30/08/2021 15:42

Respect and communication.

Communication is especially important when you disagree or times are hard.

Branleuse · 30/08/2021 15:46

being able to communicate openly without worrying about how the other will take it.
Being confident that your partner wants you to be happy and wants you to have a nice life and meet your goals in your own right
Being confident that they are being honest with you

romany4 · 30/08/2021 16:04

Kindness
Respect
Trust
Always being able to talk through any problems

Married 31 years

lazylinguist · 30/08/2021 16:25

Respect. Equality. Choosing a man who isn't a sexist or a misogynist and who does not have bigoted or outdated views. Having plenty in common and enjoying the same things. Ideally someone with little 'baggage', who has had good relationships modelled by their family. I realise that's not fair - you don't choose your upbringing. But it certainly makes it easier to have a stable relationship yourself.

People say that a good marriage takes work, but I think a good marriage is 95% about who you pick in the first place.

knittingaddict · 30/08/2021 16:30

Kindness
Communication
Ability to compromise
Communication
Willingness to apologise
Communication
Shared values
Comminication
Making each other laugh
Communication
Some shared interests
Communication
Not to take yourself too seriously
Communication

I could go on, but you get the gist.

Rina66 · 30/08/2021 16:48

Compromise
Kindness
Love

Plumtree391 · 30/08/2021 16:52

Good communication.

mistermagpie · 30/08/2021 16:57

@knittingaddict

Kindness Communication Ability to compromise Communication Willingness to apologise Communication Shared values Comminication Making each other laugh Communication Some shared interests Communication Not to take yourself too seriously Communication

I could go on, but you get the gist.

This.

I've been married twice and the first time the communication was terrible and it was a disaster. In my second marriage we communicate so well and it's a whole different story.

ElspethFlashman · 30/08/2021 17:01

@GoodnightGrandma

Sex. Yes, there are people in marriages that don’t have sex (like me and DH) but we are two people living together, it’s nothing like the marriage we had when we fancied each other and had sex.
Sex is a big factor.

Well, good sex anyway!

Clocktopus · 30/08/2021 17:08

People say that a good marriage takes work, but I think a good marriage is 95% about who you pick in the first place.

I agree with this. So much of having a successful marriage boils down to not marrying a dick. I know people change and someone might not seem like a dick at first but I'm taking about the ones who are dick from the very start, you won't change them, they will never learn, don't go ahead with that marriage.

Different marriages work for different reasons, it's very much down to the individual couple but communication, values that more or less align, similar red lines/deal breakers, and being equal partners are more or less universally key. The equal partners part especially, if you're both carrying 50% of the load then you're both going to be in sync with each other, neither is going to be resentful that they're carrying more than the other, and if there are times when one of you can't carry their load because of illness or whatever then the other has capacity to temporarily take it on.

leavesthataregreen · 30/08/2021 17:24

Mutual respect and kindness
Shared or similar values on childrearing, finances, how to spend spare time.
Marrying a man who is emotionally mature enough to recognise that once children are born he is no longer the centre of the universe and that the unpaid role of raising his children is hugely valuable to him and society, so if his wife isn't earning for a while, it's not an excuse to downgrade her, keep her short of money or start looking for a new partner.

thelegohooverer · 30/08/2021 17:58

You might be interested in reading research on relationships and marriage.

In longitudinal studies of marriage psychologists were able to predict with 90% accuracy which couples would divorce.

PermanentTemporary · 30/08/2021 18:04

(The quote is by Ogden Nash)

I've no idea, really. I've been married twice and it wasn't easy either time. I've come to the conclusion that knowing yourself and accepting the person you are is quite important to the choice of partner you make.

TheABC · 30/08/2021 18:09

Respect, communication (twice as much as you think), sexual intimacy, good humour and shared values - the big ones are money, religion, household chores and childcare.

If you are not talking to each other, your marriage is in a bad place or else dead.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/08/2021 18:12

Genuine respect - your partner must view you as a whole person whose needs, wants and desires are just as valid and important as their own. So many of the issues I see on mumsnet stem from the fact that the poster’s partner is incapable of seeing the poster as someone who is just as important as them, rather than someone who exists to make their life easier and facilitate their needs.

^^
This is exactly what I came on to say!

And also reliability- the other person knowing you’ll stick to your word and do what you say you’re going to do.

dustofneptune · 30/08/2021 18:12

Respect.

I feel like almost everything else stems from that. Communication, trust, loyalty, honesty, etc.

The ability to laugh at yourselves and each other when one of you is being a dick.

Sexual attraction, if sexual connection is important to you.

ErinAoife · 30/08/2021 18:13

Communication and trust for me and of course love.

Mayhemmumma · 30/08/2021 18:14

Being able to totally rely on the other person.
Your own space - not just physical space but freedom to do your own thing.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 18:19

Humour
Respect
Friendship (which I know doesn’t sit well with some MNetters)
Determination to keep things together through the rough times
Shared values
A genuine liking of each other
Kindness
Compromise

Lots of things really - but ultimately I don’t think it’s so easily quantifiable. Marriages work in lots of different ways and what one couple accept from each other wouldn’t be tolerated by another. I agree with the earlier poster who said it’s about marrying the right person for you.

RightYesButNo · 30/08/2021 18:22

@Lockeddownagain

So what do you think is the most important things in a marriage I'm not a journalist I'm just interested
Why do you ask? If you want people’s opinions, what they FEEL is important, ok. If you want to know what will cause the end of a marriage, and as a result, what is important to avoid divorce, as @thelegohooverer says, we have studies to answer that question.
GobbleHobble · 30/08/2021 18:26

A shared vision of how you want to live your life.

Everything other posters are saying is wrapped under that banner.

It covers everything from attitude towards money, bedtimes, parenting styles, and so on.

It doesn't mean you have to be clones with the same interests, but the fundamentals on how you live your life, should align.