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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel absolutely sick about my ex finding love

42 replies

libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:30

We were together for 10 years.

I had to leave him because he emotionally abused me.

We have a child together, so I cannot cut him off completely. I have been totally shafted in the divorce and now live in a sad small flat while he lives in our beautiful family home.

I recently learned that he has a girlfriend. I saw her once and she made a terrible face at me. I also figured out that he refused to look after our daughter during the summer term (while I took time off work) so he could go on hols with this woman. His excuse was that he had work commitments.

I actually feel cold and physically ill when I think about it. Mostly because he destroyed my confidence and I can't imagine meeting anyone else. My career isn't going well, either, and I can't imagine it getting better as I handle all the school day childcare.

How do I get over this?

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 29/08/2021 23:31

Do you want to be with him? You said he was abusive, just he glad you don’t have to put up with him now

phishy · 29/08/2021 23:33

YANBU. First of all, you are better off without him. He sounds like a prick.

Secondly, what happened to the splitting of assets? Has the financial consent order been executed? If not, you need a shit hot solicitor and can go for more assets.

Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:33

I don't want to be with him. I actually truly wish he would die. Our daughter doesn't even seem to like spending time with him. She says he shouts at her all the time.

I think I'm really troubled by being devalued now, and by another overt sign of his (and now his girlfriend's) disrespect toward me.

OP posts:
Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:34

@phishy Without going into too much detail, he is a solicitor and is a horrible person. I did the best I could in the divorce, but there's only so much you can do with someone like that. There's no going back now.

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 29/08/2021 23:35

He’s probably bad mouthed you to her (usually the case) hence the look

Braveheart35 · 29/08/2021 23:35

How did he end up with the family home during the split of assets?

GhostCurry · 29/08/2021 23:35

Oh, I wish I could help. I really feel for you.

Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:37

@Braveheart35 I stupidly let him have only his name on the title. I also moved out due to his abuse. He also made his settlement conditional on his keeping the house.

He didn't even hire a lawyer. He was milking my assets dry on my own solicitors while he dragged things out.

OP posts:
Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:38

@GhostCurry Thanks [flower]

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Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:38

oops Flowers

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Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 23:39

OP You can't change what he did to you. You can move on and start living knowing there will be no more abuse for you or your child.

If he is an abuser, he will do it to the new girlfriend.

Ignore them and look after yourself.

Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:42

@Anordinarymum I know that is true. It's sickening that he has that lovely big house while I am sitting in mould-infested rental accommodation. I am hoping it will all be better when I have my own housing sorted out.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 23:47

[quote libertybonds]@Anordinarymum I know that is true. It's sickening that he has that lovely big house while I am sitting in mould-infested rental accommodation. I am hoping it will all be better when I have my own housing sorted out.[/quote]
Of course it will and all the while it will be without him.

I have heard of things like this happening to women married to solicitors. My daughter knew a woman who ended up in rented accomodation while her husband kept the family home and their child who was in private school had to choose between staying at the school or living with his mum and going to state school.
The husband had a nice new young girlfriend of course.

The child stayed with his mum so the husband lost.

You will be fine.

Jojojo32 · 29/08/2021 23:49

I feel for you, currently going thur similar, we was together 6-7yrs awful toxic relationship, I would never ever get back with him but it makes me question if i was the 'bad' one in the relationship, he's gone on to start his own business, lost weight looks after him self n I'm still just me carrying on with the same old same old, we have children too so can't just cut him out, hopefully things get better 🤞

EmeraldShamrock · 29/08/2021 23:50

Thank your lucky stars it isn't you starting a relationship with this horrible abusive man.
Life is forever changing and always improving.
You need to heal mentally from the trauma, he'll always be an abuser, you'll recover. ❤
Think 12 months from now.

Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:50

@Anordinarymum Thanks, I appreciate this. I am confident that our daughter would choose me any day at this point in her life.

I guess I have these fears that as she grows up, she will be dazzled by his big house and the stepsister that I suspect she will be getting. I'm convinced it's serious with his girlfriend and I know my ex won't let her go if there is any chance that he can dump his childcare commitments off onto her.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 29/08/2021 23:51

This is a tiny blip
I promise you. I absolutely hand on heart promise you it will get better if you want it to. You have the will to survive. You will have a happy little home and it doesn’t matter if it’s not as big
Your dd will realise what he’s like.
You’re at one of your lowest points, and weirdly when your surviving and leaving it’s all adrenaline keeping you going. But now it the time when actually you will make the biggest strides in recovery.

Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:51

@Jojojo32 Flowers I'm sorry you have gone through this too.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 23:52

OP let me guess.. the girlfriend is younger

Original poster
libertybonds · 29/08/2021 23:53

@EmeraldShamrock Thanks. I will start focusing on that. In a year, I should be living in my new home and hopefully I will have as little contact as possible with that monster. Maybe I will even be able to advance in my career once I can stop worrying about housing.

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Original poster
libertybonds · 30/08/2021 00:01

@Anordinarymum That would fit the narrative, but I'm not entirely sure. I only saw her briefly.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 30/08/2021 01:28

I say this assuming the new GF was not an OW.

I'm not surprised you feel sick, I would too. It won't be long before that sickness is replaced by pity. That poor woman. He will treat her in exactly the same way he treated you. Arseholes like that never change. He might be living in the big house but you are the winner really, you have won the prize of freedom, something money cannot buy.

IdblowJonSnow · 30/08/2021 01:32

Really feel for you OP. To my mind what you're feeling is very natural and I would feel similarly.

You honestly won't feel like this forever but these feelings are very intense and so make it seem like you will.

You got out, you have your lovely DD.

Focus on you, one day at a time and be very kind to yourself.

Above all, give yourself time. Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2021 02:09

She sneered because she believes his lies. That is was you who was abusive, that you only wanted him to have your DD because you dont care about her, that your marriage was a sham because you did XYZ......

She has been sold a pig in a poke. She thinks she has a fabulous prize in this high earning lovely home owning solicitor. I mean, on paper he is, right? Except you know better.

One day she will look in the poke and see what you saw, a massive bag of shite. And then the sneering will stop.....

If it helps I hate BoJo. Not only because he is a fucking tory :o but because he PROMISED me that Covid would kill my abusive lying cheating attempted murderer of an ex who ticked every single box for high risk from Covid, and the cunt is still alive.

Original poster
libertybonds · 30/08/2021 02:23

@ViciousJackdaw I am reminding myself that I should feel pity for her, though it feels a bit difficult with her sneering face. I keep telling myself she's mad because I look so good and so well put-together...

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