To feel absolutely sick about my ex finding love

[libertybonds]

We were together for 10 years.

I had to leave him because he emotionally abused me.

We have a child together, so I cannot cut him off completely. I have been totally shafted in the divorce and now live in a sad small flat while he lives in our beautiful family home.

I recently learned that he has a girlfriend. I saw her once and she made a terrible face at me. I also figured out that he refused to look after our daughter during the summer term (while I took time off work) so he could go on hols with this woman. His excuse was that he had work commitments.

I actually feel cold and physically ill when I think about it. Mostly because he destroyed my confidence and I can't imagine meeting anyone else. My career isn't going well, either, and I can't imagine it getting better as I handle all the school day childcare.

How do I get over this?

@IdblowJonSnow Thanks. He has DD at the moment, but for now at least she will be desperate to get back to mummy.

@PyongyangKipperbang ugh, I hate BoJo too! It's difficult to articulate all the reasons!

After my breakup at christmas I met a guy I really liked and he fed me a lot of lies I naively bought including him being single and not having children. I stopped seeing him after a few months and then forgave him after he proved he wasn't in a relationship but stopped seeing him again after a month or so realising if he could do that to her he would do it to me, I have no animosity towards the mother of his child and wish her the best, point is these guys go to crazy lengths to lie to their new partners so don't blame her just yet, give her time to figure out the full story x

Pyongyang has it exactly right.

The new relationship is starting with lovehearts and flowers while he tells her how amazing and perfect she is, the girl of his dreams, he's so lucky (idealisation), and rewrites history to paint you as an evil witch (devaluation) and him as a hard-done-by hero (victim stancing).

Unfortunately because he fundamentally misunderstands the real reason your marriage failed – that he blames other people when he feels bad about himself and has unrealistic expectations of life – his deluded belief that his new girlfriend is the answer to all his problems will crumble when she inevitably starts to recognise and reject his abusive behaviours. She may well come to think back on that face she made at you and feel regret for her own naivete.

You can't concern yourself with it. Giving him space in your head is just allowing him to continue to drain your emotional energy from afar. You got out, that's a huge credit to you. He spoiled your life with him, don't let him spoil your life without him too.

The thing is, its ok to say "Dont blame her, she doesnt know the full story" but presumably she knows that too? We all know that there are three sides to every story so any woman with half an ounce of sense will know that what the new man is telling her about his break up with his ex is his truth and then their is her truth and somewhere in the middle, is going to be the actual truth? And that is based on your standard bog standard break up, abusive break ups are a whole other level of fucked up "truths" after a break up. So even if the guy I was seeing seemed non abusive (unlikely given my history, hence why I am once again single and staying that way) I would still take his version of events with a bucket of salt.

That she is buying his version to the point of shooting filthy looks at the OP suggests that she is ignoring the fact that if something seems to good to be true it probably is, and if she has watched TV or read any sort of True Story magazine in her life, she will know that to be true. Or she is the competitive "I won him and you just hate me because of that" type.

Either way, not got much sympathy.

@CheekyHobson There is a lot of wisdom in what you say, but I myself was swept up in his control until recently.

Obviously I can't really warn this woman - and frankly her attitude is not especially helpful. I really hope I can somehow work through it and ignore this woman.

@PyongyangKipperbang To be honest, I feel similarly toward this woman. It's probably mean and definitely stupid to miss these kinds of red flags.

But still, I feel like such disgusting damaged goods.

So even if the guy I was seeing seemed non abusive (unlikely given my history, hence why I am once again single and staying that way) I would still take his version of events with a bucket of salt.

You've probably learned this through painful experience, though, no? Many people are naive enough to be snowed by an accomplished manipulator's lies. I know I was.

OP maybe it wasn’t a sneering face and she really is that ugly? Console yourself that outer beauty and youth is soon consumed by any inner ugliness.

You now have a chance to make something of yourself and a life for you and your daughter faith out this man. You will do it in spite of him and you’ll do it on your own and you’ll earn every piece of good fortune that comes your way… but to truly appreciate it you’ve got to know the life you want to escape and that’s where you’ve come from.

A girl I went to school with was in a very similar situation and was told she’d be nothing etc. She retrained as a lawyer herself and got a job with a fantastic firm. She won awards and her ex’s career was totally shadowed by her success after the relationship. She never looked back.

You’ll find your path and you’ll do well because you deserve it.

*without not faith out

@CheekyHobson

So even if the guy I was seeing seemed non abusive (unlikely given my history, hence why I am once again single and staying that way) I would still take his version of events with a bucket of salt.

You've probably learned this through painful experience, though, no? Many people are naive enough to be snowed by an accomplished manipulator's lies. I know I was.

I think this is true. We tend to believe that these things happen to other people and we wouldn't get taken in, until it does happen to us or someone close to us.

I also think I've learnt a lot about manipulative men from MN.

Finally, if you're in the 'in love' phase it's a bit hypnotic and you're much less likely to see someone's true colours.

@PyongyangKipperbang

The thing is, its ok to say "Dont blame her, she doesnt know the full story" but presumably she knows that too? We all know that there are three sides to every story so any woman with half an ounce of sense will know that what the new man is telling her about his break up with his ex is his truth and then their is her truth and somewhere in the middle, is going to be the actual truth? And that is based on your standard bog standard break up, abusive break ups are a whole other level of fucked up "truths" after a break up. So even if the guy I was seeing seemed non abusive (unlikely given my history, hence why I am once again single and staying that way) I would still take his version of events with a bucket of salt.

That she is buying his version to the point of shooting filthy looks at the OP suggests that she is ignoring the fact that if something seems to good to be true it probably is, and if she has watched TV or read any sort of True Story magazine in her life, she will know that to be true. Or she is the competitive "I won him and you just hate me because of that" type.

Either way, not got much sympathy.

Not true at all I am 23 and was out of a 5 year relationship and had no clue the guy I was seeing was spouting lies, please don't stereotype.

[quote libertybonds]@PyongyangKipperbang To be honest, I feel similarly toward this woman. It's probably mean and definitely stupid to miss these kinds of red flags.

But still, I feel like such disgusting damaged goods.[/quote]
So did I, three years ago.

Now? Nope.

Lucky escape. The fact that you are still feeling like that worries that you are vulnerable to another similar relationship (a mistake I made) so I would recommend some counselling to help you out of that, the Freedom Program would be a great place to start xx

You won't feel this way forever. You will pick yourself up & gain back your confidence again. You will find love again and your career will be fine.
Then you'll not think about him as much as you do.

Meanwhile, he's going to treat this girl the same way as he did you and eventually she'll contact you and ask for help. You are the bigger person.

Sending you lots of love and happiness ❤

OP this is meant kindly but you have not yet learned to play 'the long game'.

Go quiet and watch. Do nothing. Say nothing. Just watch. He is abusive right? He will abuse her too. You might not see it at first but eventually she will realise and leave. It might be a long time but it will happen. If you get involved or say or do anything at all it will delay it all. By keeping quiet he will start his old tricks all the sooner with her.

The old saying about a leopard not changing it's spots is dead right. You have to sit back and wait and observe. The day you smile to yourself might be a long way off or a short way off but it will come.

I have insomnia and have got up again because this has played on my mind.

He hasnt found "Love". Abusers have no concept of love. He has found his next victim. She thinks he loves her, but you know that he doesnt, you know that all he has found is someone who he can control and abuse and who isnt fighting back. Yet.

@PyongyangKipperbang thanks. The sick feeling has continued into today, and these kinds of reminders actually do help. He's such a monster. I wonder how long it will take him to reveal his true self to his girlfriend.

I said this upthread:

I guess I have these fears that as she grows up, she will be dazzled by his big house and the stepsister that I suspect she will be getting. I'm convinced it's serious with his girlfriend and I know my ex won't let her go if there is any chance that he can dump his childcare commitments off onto her.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this is the root of my concerns. I'm terrified of losing my daughter to him. She's really all I have at this point and I don't want him to take her from me