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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think school mums are a different kettle of fish?

54 replies

frenemynumber9 · 29/08/2021 20:53

I have an 8 year old daughter, I had her at 21 so am a fairly young mum. However, throughout the past 4 years every school mum (except one - who coincidentally was also a young mum) that I have had to communicate with, whether that be small talk in the playground, chatting at birthday parties, arrange plans for play dates or very rarely had a coffee with during a play date has been very, for lack of a better word, weird.

I feel like the conversation is like pulling teeth, they will happily chat about themselves but never ask anything in return. They seem to be very snobbish and judgemental.

I always remember one play date my daughter had in primary 2 - my daughter had been to the girls house to play, so I invited the girl to my house. The girls mum asked if she could have a coffee...no problem. She came in and had two coffees and stayed for 2 hours, all the while making no conversation, it was all on me. Finally she said she was going and when should she pick up her daughter? I said a time about 2 hours later yet she turned up about 45 minutes later and was very off standish and hurrying her daughter out the door as if there was something wrong. Didn't hear from her again, it was very very bizarre. My house is clean and tidy, it's not the biggest but it's certainly nothing I'm ashamed of.

I'm very easy to talk to and have never struggled to make friends or chat with people except the school mums. They're just a group of people that I find very...odd.

I surely can't be the only one?

OP posts:
Bellyups · 29/08/2021 21:32

Are you implying it’s because you are young and they are older? Because that’s how it reads

Pumperthepumper · 29/08/2021 21:33

But the difference with uni and work is you already have shared interest, you’ve got more time to speak and get to know each other. The school run is totally different, you’re only there for your kids, you’ve got ten mins of (often forced) conversation and that’s it.

What do you want from them, do you want to be friends?

Original poster
frenemynumber9 · 29/08/2021 21:34

@Pumperthepumper

But the difference with uni and work is you already have shared interest, you’ve got more time to speak and get to know each other. The school run is totally different, you’re only there for your kids, you’ve got ten mins of (often forced) conversation and that’s it.

What do you want from them, do you want to be friends?

Not at all. I have plenty of friends, it's just an observation I have made.
OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 29/08/2021 21:35

But what were you hoping it would be like?

Aldidl · 29/08/2021 21:35

If you are an obviously stand-out “young” mum at 21, that implies you’re in an area populated with “older” mums. Who had DCs in 30s and up.

I associate older-mum areas as being… erm… I don’t really know what to call it. Affluent. Let’s go with affluent. Are you in an affluent area?

I’m obviously projecting. I would’ve been the same age as you if my SDD was my own. Picking her up from school I stood out like a sore thumb in terms of my age and haven’t really clicked with many school mums (two reached going-for-drinks friendliness, one who was the second-youngest mum in the class).

Neverrains · 29/08/2021 21:36

Ah, so it’s only ‘old’ mums who are weird then?

iamyourequal · 29/08/2021 21:37

Itwasquitegood
I can relate to what you are saying and have experienced similar over the years.

I have had this a bit too. Unfortunately most other ‘school mums’ are probably just not looking to form new friendships, they probably have lots of friends already and consider this the busiest time of their lives with no time to make for extra socializing. I’m not from the town we live in, moved here just as my eldest started school. The school gates were a very lonely place indeed.

I hate to say it but it’s possible the other mum who invited herself in to your play date for coffee might only have done so to chaperone her child to the first play date at yours to make sure you and your family made the grade for future socializing. Try not to take any of it personally and remember all your other real friends 😃 . I actually get on very well with several of my kids’ friends’ mums now, but I reckon only one of them actually truly considers me her ‘friend’. That’s just school mum life!

Forstarters · 29/08/2021 21:40

I reckon you’re the issue…..

Cirin · 29/08/2021 21:42

I do think there's a difference between someone who takes their child to school and then leaves, no fuss, and someone who from the first day sees the school gates as their new home - they will talk, gossip, make WhatsApp groups, thrive on drama, and live for the next drop-off.

They're there 20 minutes early, gates are locked but the language is blue, the mobiles are out and everyone in the street can hear the latest news as to whose kid's in prison, whose husband's left...

I just wave the kid off and leave, on time so no waiting, no time for that nonsense.

Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 21:43

My children went to a school in a market town. The cliques of mums were unbelievable.
There were the professional mums.. doctors, vets, nurses
There were the working mums
There were the stay at home mums who fell into different categories of wealth (perceived by each other)
There were the 'born and bred in this town' mums who only spoke to each other
And me.
I was polite to them all and a friend of none of them.
If my children were invited to parties or to tea, I was friendly and polite always but I could not get into the business of who would speak to whom because they wore certain clothes or had nice cars - or a posh accent.

Let them get on with it. Life's too short for this sort of shite :)

Comedycook · 29/08/2021 21:46

@frenemynumber9

For instance some mums will smile and say hi walking past me one day and completely blank me the next. Or I have a conversation at a birthday party then they pretend they have no idea who I am in the playground.
Yep. It's mental isn't it! I remember chatting to one mum for ages at an event...she told me her life story Grin. Any time I see her in the playground, she totally blanks me
Neverrains · 29/08/2021 21:46

@Cirin

I do think there's a difference between someone who takes their child to school and then leaves, no fuss, and someone who from the first day sees the school gates as their new home - they will talk, gossip, make WhatsApp groups, thrive on drama, and live for the next drop-off.

They're there 20 minutes early, gates are locked but the language is blue, the mobiles are out and everyone in the street can hear the latest news as to whose kid's in prison, whose husband's left...

I just wave the kid off and leave, on time so no waiting, no time for that nonsense.

Gosh there aren’t any parents like this at my children’s school! Not that I’ve noticed anyway. Everyone just has a quick chat, usually with the parents they already know/are friendly with, then leaves. Might be more interesting if I got to eavesdrop on stories about who is in prison!
Ladywinesalot · 29/08/2021 21:47

Op it’s just strangers and you’re not meant to be best friends with everyone

Don’t waste to much time being upset

StormyTeacups · 29/08/2021 21:48

School mums are mums whose kids go to school. Like you. And the vast majority of other mothers. Blinking big kettle.

LouLou789 · 29/08/2021 21:51

I really sympathise as I can remember when my kids were at primary, I stood in the playground and looked round at the other mums and thought, “ok so one mum is a dear friend, another is a woman I like to chat with and that’s it”, of the whole 200 of you 🤣

Lilymossflower · 29/08/2021 21:53

I'm probably one of those mum's who smiles and says hi one day then ignores you the next. Not because I don't like them, I'm just so absorbed in my tasks some days that my brain is too full to notice. Probably common with mum's cause they do it to me too so I just thought it's normal

rubbletrouble · 29/08/2021 21:53

Some of the women I know have warned me about the "mums at the school gates" and not to get involved in the cliches.

I'm not quite sure why I would anyway until my son starts to make friends, then I will probably say hi to those parents.
I know a few from nursery but only to say hi to, I'm not sure what else really goes on, but surely that's it isn't it?

peboh · 29/08/2021 21:55

It's really as simple as not everybody you meet is going to be a friend. People put so much stock into making mum friends through their children's school, that they inevitably end up disappointed and upset when this doesn't happen. Most people just want to pick their drop/ kids up and get to work or home. Others have known each other for years through different children going to school. Not worth being upset over because you haven't gotten close to anybody.

BoredZelda · 29/08/2021 21:57

I’ve blanked mums at school because I had the wrong glasses on and couldn’t see them. Or sometimes I’m focussed on something and don’t know they are there. I’ve had to sit in on play dates or parties because DD needs me to be there. I’m not the best conversationalist.

Judge me if you like. However, a PP was on to something saying if everyone around you is a problem, maybe the problem isn’t them.

Comedycook · 29/08/2021 21:58

You might just be unlikely. First school my Ds went to the mums were lovely...second, they are much harder work. I haven't found my tribe!

justmetoday · 29/08/2021 22:10

Im so glad i live in a country where kids walk to school themselves! They start preschool at age 4 and the first couple months i walked with them. It was always hell for me with the other mums. We live in a very small rural village and most mums are much older than me with 4 or more kids. All real “mum” mums with no life apart from their kids. At least thats all they always talk about. Whose child is best at what.
Im so glad i can avoid all this now.

Neverrains · 29/08/2021 22:13

Isn’t it weird how there are so many mums on Mumsnet who are the only normal ones on the school run? I mean, what are the chances?

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 29/08/2021 22:24

I often seem to do the walk to school without my glasses so could very easily not see or acknowledge parents that I’m otherwise friendly with!

Or I might be distracted thinking about work. Or on my non-working days I’ll have dc2 with me which I find distracting.

So many reasons why I may not say hi…. none of them are personal.

AgathaAllAlong · 29/08/2021 22:36

Let me get this right, you think all women who have school aged children are weird? Because as others have pointed out, that is the majority of women at some point. Or do you think that these women are normal in most contexts, but start acting weird when at the school gates? I guess that's possible. I generally treat school gates as just dropping off my kids, not a social occasion. Give as much chat as I would folk in the local supermarket.

bluebell34567 · 29/08/2021 22:37

frenemynumber9

For instance some mums will smile and say hi walking past me one day and completely blank me the next. Or I have a conversation at a birthday party then they pretend they have no idea who I am in the playground.

i find that odd, too.
or i didnt have my glasses on or i was thinking something else, etc.
its not looking for friendship, it is expecting politeness.
otherwise you think have i done something wrong or is there something wrong with me.