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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Appearances are deceiving

42 replies

NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 20:52

I don’t think I am BU but could be wrong
I noticed a friend pulling away recently and avoiding taking my calls, messages being ignored etc.
I honestly had no idea why. Until yesterday that is. She had a bit to drink and decided to call me for a chat. I asked what’s been happening etc and she just let it rip at me.
Saying she hates me because I have everything she wants. I was shocked 😮
Seriously shocked. She knows my situation but I think she “forgets” how hard my life actually is.
Maybe I don’t let it show, I put on a happy face and get on with it. But why would anyone be jealous of me is beyond me.
I am struggling to see what exactly is that I have and she wants!
I have no money, have a disabled child and work in a shit paid part time job.
She is single, well paid and has freedom to do things I can only daydream about.
Spoke to another friend today about it, and she said “to be fair you do make it look easy and you never complain”
So am I meant to walk around with a sour face and complain all the time?
I don’t know why I am posting this here really. Just wondering do people really get jealous for such reasons?
I refuse to moan about lack or money or sleep as it will change nothing. What’s the point.
How do I resolve this? Can I say anything to make it better?
I like this friend and I’ve known her for 20 years. But I hate now that I know she resents me something that isn’t what it appears to be - if that makes sense at all?

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 29/08/2021 21:12

She hates you because you have everything she wants? Like what? Did you ask her? 🤷🏼‍♀️

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/08/2021 21:16

Are you sure she isn’t having a mental breakdown of some sorts

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 21:20

I know she always wanted a child but still….

OP posts:
coronafiona · 29/08/2021 21:22

You have something unobtainable though., strengths and a positive attitude. That's stuff can't be bought. Good for you Smile

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/08/2021 21:24

Ah ok.

Did she have some bad news? Maybe she could never have a child and that's eating her up

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 21:24

@coronafiona

You have something unobtainable though., strengths and a positive attitude. That's stuff can't be bought. Good for you Smile
Thanks for saying that but somehow I don’t think that’s what she was referring to.

It could be the case of grass is greener, we always want what we don’t have etc

OP posts:
Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 21:29

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Ah ok.

Did she have some bad news? Maybe she could never have a child and that's eating her up

It’s too late for her to have a child now, maybe that’s where it’s all coming from. I thought she accepted that years ago
OP posts:
Seesawmummadaw · 29/08/2021 21:31

You don’t resolve it. You move on and let her wallow.

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 21:34

But if she is struggling I’d like to help and support her. Not just walk away
But I feel I dont know how to do that now without making her feel worse

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 21:34

@NoWayOutOfThis

I know she always wanted a child but still….
And there is the answer.
MadMadMadamMim · 29/08/2021 21:34

I think the friendship is over.

I could not have anything more to do with someone who lashed out, telling me they hated me because I have everything they want.

I don't care whether that is your disabled child, your pt job, your cheerful nature or your (until now, undisclosed) multi million pound lottery win.

She's a shitty person with a shitty nature - and that's really unpleasant. To hate a friend because you are jealous makes her someone you should cut from your life.

And please tell her why.

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 21:41

@MadMadMadamMim

I think the friendship is over.

I could not have anything more to do with someone who lashed out, telling me they hated me because I have everything they want.

I don't care whether that is your disabled child, your pt job, your cheerful nature or your (until now, undisclosed) multi million pound lottery win.

She's a shitty person with a shitty nature - and that's really unpleasant. To hate a friend because you are jealous makes her someone you should cut from your life.

And please tell her why.

That’s a bit harsh She is upset clearly but I don’t know why Or at least I can’t figure it out We cried many tears over her heartache of not having a child, so that’s nothing new but could be old wounds reopened
OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 29/08/2021 21:45

The thing is, if you don't complain about stuff, people assume your life is tickety boo. However, often those who complain most have the least to complain about.

Me and my DH struggled financially for some years, and for various reasons, we were in a fair amount of debt for 10-12 years (like 20-22 grand at the worst part,) but we never EVER complained - or told anyone about it. And we never asked anyone for help.

At least 4 or 5 people with financial issues, (or who needed money for something) told us their tales of woe, and how they wish someone would lend them some money. One woman DH worked with even ASKED if he could sub her £200 for her gas bill, as she assumed he and I were well off. (Purely because we never griped about money.) and we lived in a house on a 'private' estate.

Not being funny @NoWayOutOfThis but anyone in my life who said they hated me because I have everything they want, would be ghosted pretty sharpish.

I agree with @MadMadMadamMim She sounds resentful and unpleasant, and probably blames everyone but herself for everything wrong in her life.

BigGooseyLucy · 29/08/2021 21:46

@NoWayOutOfThis

I know she always wanted a child but still….
This .

I know you are struggling and your life is difficult but clearly you are doing amazing and good for you and then you have a child and she doesn't.

I hope you can patch things up as you have been friends for so long. Jealousy is an awful thing but I'm sure your friend isn't choosing to be jealous and it's also not your fault you are a strong person with heaps to offer this you are my world

thefirstmrsrochester · 29/08/2021 21:47

To withdraw because her perception of what you have is one thing, to hate you for it and to tell you that she hates you for it, I don’t think it’s something I could come back from.

She’s been drinking then called you, yes? In vino veritas as they say.

BigGooseyLucy · 29/08/2021 21:47

*offfer this world

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 21:57

But when drinking emotions are exaggerated
Not necessarily true reflection of how you feel

OP posts:
LavendulaAngustifolia · 29/08/2021 21:59

Her perception of you is not your responsibility.

TartanJumper · 29/08/2021 21:59

She sounds a bit unwell to be honest.
For instance- I am envious of someone in a pretty shit situation. My own situation is also equally shit, but I can see a way out of hers and yet I can't mine... if that makes sense?

However. That doesn't excuse her being so nasty. I wouldn't contact her, and let her contact you and go from there.

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 22:06

See I never took it as nasty. What she said. Could be because we speak different language when we chat and not english, maybe hate is a stronger word than we use (if that makes sense)
Am I a horrible and nasty person because I say I hate those shoes or that food?

OP posts:
Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 22:07

@LavendulaAngustifolia

Her perception of you is not your responsibility.
That is very true
OP posts:
Imnewhere1991 · 29/08/2021 22:09

@NoWayOutOfThis

I know she always wanted a child but still….
I'm sorry but not being able to have a child is nothing to say 'but still' about. A friend of mine has and says she will NEVER be ok with not being able to have children. It's dented her self esteem and every aspect of her. So please show some compassion to your friend. It is not something that gets better with time.
Covidiom · 29/08/2021 22:10

OP, when I was single in a decent job I had a friend who had a husband and baby but they didn’t have much money and she used to get worried and upset about it. But at the end of the day would she have given up her husband and child for my life? No. Would I have given up my freedom and money for a lovely husband and child? Yes absolutely.

Now I have my own kids and husband and it’s tiring, we don’t have the disposable income we used to etc etc.. but would I give up any of it to go back to my old single life? No (although wouldn’t say no to the odd day of it every now and then!)

Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 22:17

I have compassion and never said it gets better. I understand the heartache
What I meant is we talked for years about it, she did accept it (or so she said) it’s not a new thing. It’s also not something she focuses on.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoWayOutOfThis · 29/08/2021 22:19

@Covidiom

OP, when I was single in a decent job I had a friend who had a husband and baby but they didn’t have much money and she used to get worried and upset about it. But at the end of the day would she have given up her husband and child for my life? No. Would I have given up my freedom and money for a lovely husband and child? Yes absolutely.

Now I have my own kids and husband and it’s tiring, we don’t have the disposable income we used to etc etc.. but would I give up any of it to go back to my old single life? No (although wouldn’t say no to the odd day of it every now and then!)

Ah yes I get that. And yes been there myself. I honestly thought she was ok with being single she never indicated otherwise. Maybe I read her wrong
OP posts:
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