Appearances are deceiving

[NoWayOutOfThis]

I don’t think I am BU but could be wrong
I noticed a friend pulling away recently and avoiding taking my calls, messages being ignored etc.
I honestly had no idea why. Until yesterday that is. She had a bit to drink and decided to call me for a chat. I asked what’s been happening etc and she just let it rip at me.
Saying she hates me because I have everything she wants. I was shocked 😮
Seriously shocked. She knows my situation but I think she “forgets” how hard my life actually is.
Maybe I don’t let it show, I put on a happy face and get on with it. But why would anyone be jealous of me is beyond me.
I am struggling to see what exactly is that I have and she wants!
I have no money, have a disabled child and work in a shit paid part time job.
She is single, well paid and has freedom to do things I can only daydream about.
Spoke to another friend today about it, and she said “to be fair you do make it look easy and you never complain”
So am I meant to walk around with a sour face and complain all the time?
I don’t know why I am posting this here really. Just wondering do people really get jealous for such reasons?
I refuse to moan about lack or money or sleep as it will change nothing. What’s the point.
How do I resolve this? Can I say anything to make it better?
I like this friend and I’ve known her for 20 years. But I hate now that I know she resents me something that isn’t what it appears to be - if that makes sense at all?

@NoWayOutOfThis

I have compassion and never said it gets better. I understand the heartache What I meant is we talked for years about it, she did accept it (or so she said) it’s not a new thing. It’s also not something she focuses on.

Perhaps she does focus on it more than she lets on. Think about it, babies, mother's, children, families...they're everywhere, especially during the summer holidays. Adverts on TV, baby products, back to school. It's everywhere. Perhaps some days are better than others for her.

@NoWayOutOfThis

Am I a horrible and nasty person because I say I hate those shoes or that food?

Saying you hate a certain food or a certain type of shoe, is in no way the same as saying you hate a person because they (in your eyes) have a nicer life than you.

You posted about your 'friend' being rude and unpleasant to you, and saying she hates you because you (allegedly) have what she wants, and now you are defending her and getting annoyed with people criticizing her.

Why?

Why did you even post the thread? What did you expect people to say?

If that’s the case, and I did think that myself, how can I ever do or say anything that will help. If that’s how she feels but hides it than I am just making it worse trying to be a friend?

You could try telling her that you both hide things?

@NoWayOutOfThis

If that’s the case, and I did think that myself, how can I ever do or say anything that will help. If that’s how she feels but hides it than I am just making it worse trying to be a friend?

That's a bit extreme..you can still be her friend but perhaps try and see things from HER perspective. You can't change her pain but you can be there as a friend. Ditching her as a friend would be cruel, unless you feel your friendship is failing.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@NoWayOutOfThis

Am I a horrible and nasty person because I say I hate those shoes or that food?

Saying you hate a certain food or a certain type of shoe, is in no way the same as saying you hate a person because they (in your eyes) have a nicer life than you.

You posted about your 'friend' being rude and unpleasant to you, and saying she hates you because you (allegedly) have what she wants, and now you are defending her and getting annoyed with people criticizing her.

Why?

Why did you even post the thread? What did you expect people to say?[/quote]
I never said she was nasty
I said I was shocked because of how she fell because I don’t understand what is it that I have and she wants.
Also I was pointing out the possible difference in language where same word has a different lighter or heavier meaning.

“That's a bit extreme..you can still be her friend but perhaps try and see things from HER perspective. You can't change her pain but you can be there as a friend. Ditching her as a friend would be cruel, unless you feel your friendship is failing.“

I didn’t mean I don’t want to be her friend, I just meant am I making it worse for her
We have been friends for 20 years, I would t just cut her off, even though people suggested that. She is a friend and she is clearly suffering, I just don’t know how to deal with it, don’t want to make things worse

You sound like a good friend, OP. I hope you'll be able to get your friend to open up to you.

Are you married/with a partner? Maybe she sees a close relationship and wants that for herself more than she has admitted. When I was single, I was desperately envious of couples. I didn't hate friends who were married or living with a partner, but it was often sad for me to be around them. I felt very lonely. Perhaps your friend is lonely and having trouble admitting it.

@NoWayOutOfThis

“That's a bit extreme..you can still be her friend but perhaps try and see things from HER perspective. You can't change her pain but you can be there as a friend. Ditching her as a friend would be cruel, unless you feel your friendship is failing.“

I didn’t mean I don’t want to be her friend, I just meant am I making it worse for her
We have been friends for 20 years, I would t just cut her off, even though people suggested that. She is a friend and she is clearly suffering, I just don’t know how to deal with it, don’t want to make things worse

Just keep being a friend, empathize with her etc..I don't know what else to suggest.

I will give her a few days and call her than.
She must not be in a good place to feel like that. Dont want to pressure her or call too soon. I just want her to know it’s ok and I am here (which is what I sent her in a message earlier today)
I wish I could see her in person as than all defences come down, over the phone it’s so much easier to keep them up.
Thank you all

It's lovely you're compassionate, it's lovely you care but ... honestly, it's not OK that she's made you her emotional punchbag.

I know you want to help her but, really, she's broken your friendship - and she has to fix it, not you.

If you try, I guarantee you are setting up a dynamic where you get dumped on and emotionally abused.

Adults deal with their emotional pain, their disappointments, the fact life doesn't rain down granted wishes and let you walk in rose petals the whole time. They don't look around for someone who cares for them and take out their sadness on someone they judge is caring enough to take it.

What would you say if your child was in a relationship like that? You'd hate that for them, wouldn't you?

Honestly, you clearly have a good heart and lots of care for others - give that to people who respond in the same way. Don't throw it away on someone with an essentially cruel nature.

And you're bound to say she's been a good friend but look at yourself: life hasn't been easy for you - and you've responded by being stronger, more caring, more loving.

Your 'friend'? She's responded by trying to inflict hurt on you and bring pain and destruction into your life.

That is not the action of a decent person.

@NoWayOutOfThis - Has she responded to your message? If it was totally out of character for her I'd maybe give her another chance but I certainly wouldn't be chasing her.

@thecatfromjapan

It's lovely you're compassionate, it's lovely you care but ... honestly, it's not OK that she's made you her emotional punchbag.

I know you want to help her but, really, she's broken your friendship - and she has to fix it, not you.

If you try, I guarantee you are setting up a dynamic where you get dumped on and emotionally abused.

Adults deal with their emotional pain, their disappointments, the fact life doesn't rain down granted wishes and let you walk in rose petals the whole time. They don't look around for someone who cares for them and take out their sadness on someone they judge is caring enough to take it.

What would you say if your child was in a relationship like that? You'd hate that for them, wouldn't you?

Honestly, you clearly have a good heart and lots of care for others - give that to people who respond in the same way. Don't throw it away on someone with an essentially cruel nature.

And you're bound to say she's been a good friend but look at yourself: life hasn't been easy for you - and you've responded by being stronger, more caring, more loving.

Your 'friend'? She's responded by trying to inflict hurt on you and bring pain and destruction into your life.

That is not the action of a decent person.

In 20 years she never behaved like this. If she had form for this kind of behaviour I’d be long gone She is a kind person who is clearly suffering and I simply don’t know how to help make it better for her.

[quote Walkingalot]@NoWayOutOfThis - Has she responded to your message? If it was totally out of character for her I'd maybe give her another chance but I certainly wouldn't be chasing her.[/quote]
No not yet
But if I know her at all, she will be embarrassed if she remembers our talk last night

I hope you're right.

This is also possible:

Perhaps she's been kind to you for the last 20 years because she never felt you had anything she wanted for herself?

It's not healthy to suffer some sort of loss and then be furious because your friend has that something.

At base, it means she thinks you have no right to something she wants. That she deserves all the things.

I know I sound horrible but ... take care of yourself. You sound genuinely pretty caring. I hope she appreciates you.

@NoWayOutOfThis

But when drinking emotions are exaggerated Not necessarily true reflection of how you feel

Actually, I would disagree. I think alcohol enables people to say what they truly feel rather than be inhibited by all those pesky social niceties we abide by.

However, my opinion on that isn’t really relevant.

In terms of friendship, she has, as a pp said, made you her emotional punching bag. That is not what friends should do. If it is a one off, I would (as a good friend) forgive her. If it turns out that she can’t keep those feelings suppressed and they manifest elsewhere, then I would say goodbye to the friendship.

I think that rather than being jealous of things (child, house, car), some people are actually jealous of happiness or contentment. Could she have become one of those people?

Take a cup of tea round. She's most likely feeling sheepish.