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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's sleazy mate

45 replies

ToBeSuretoBe · 29/08/2021 19:39

So my DH has a best mate who is single. He's nice enough & we do get on OK but he constantly makes references to women whether we are watching TV, talking or out in public. Very sexual, crude remarks, comments, what he would like to do to them etc (always very attractive women only).
When I raise my eyebrows he will infer that it's a normal thing for a guy & point out to me that the woman in question is in fact very attractive & surely I agree with that fact.
It's very wearing. It's like we can't have a normal conversation, ever, without him dragging it into this area.
AIBU to tell him to shut up?

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 29/08/2021 19:42

He’s clearly not nice enough despite what you say in your OP.

GoWalkabout · 29/08/2021 19:46

Say that you don't want to hear his crude comments and its making you think he's not the person you thought. Draw a line and tell your dh you won't be spending time with him unless it changes as its crude and disrespectful and you would expect dh to think so too.

CheapFoodShits · 29/08/2021 19:49

What does your DH say to his friend when he says stuff like this? If he says nothing, I'd be inclined to think he's the same when you're not around.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 19:50

He's not "nice enough." He's a boring, daft pig who sees women as objects. Raise your standards and refuse to waste another moment of your time with this creep. I'd be alarmed that my husband was friends with someone like this. It doesn't reflect well on your husband at all.

Susannahmoody · 29/08/2021 19:50

And your DH is mates with this guy?

Shoxfordian · 29/08/2021 19:50

Your dh condones these comments
He probably makes them himself when you’re not around. So disrespectful

5128gap · 29/08/2021 19:51

Tell him it's not a acceptable and tell him why. Tell him he mustn't speak that way again. Tell your DH he has a choice, to either back you on it and challenge his friend, which tbf he should be anyway if he's a decent person, or he has to see his friend on his own.

FangsForTheMemory · 29/08/2021 19:53

I used to work with someone a bit like this, you couldn't mention anything related to relationships in any context at all, it would just set him off. So I would say avoid any context where he gets the chance to make such comments, which realistically is not spending any time with him at all really.

Original poster
ToBeSuretoBe · 29/08/2021 19:54

To be fair my DH shakes his head & tells him to stop it but the guy is irrepressible.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 19:55

@ToBeSuretoBe

To be fair my DH shakes his head & tells him to stop it but the guy is irrepressible.
And yet your husband still hangs out with this arsehole. I wouldn't be impressed.
5128gap · 29/08/2021 19:56

@ToBeSuretoBe

To be fair my DH shakes his head & tells him to stop it but the guy is irrepressible.
Your DH needs to be a lot firmer so his friend knows he's serious.
NotJuryDutyAgain · 29/08/2021 20:01

He sounds like a creep, and I'd not be impressed if my DH maintained a friendship with someone like that. I'd tell him that in my presence he should keep such thoughts to himself. Just because a bloke notices an attractive woman and lusts after her that doesn't mean he has to voice his baser instincts for all to hear.

Failing that, I'd stop going out when you'll have to be around him.

Original poster
ToBeSuretoBe · 29/08/2021 20:09

It's like if I don't agree I'd be seen as an insecure woman, when in fact I'm very comfortable with the way I look. My daughter & her friends refuse to come to visit if he's here as they say he makes their skin crawl & he's pervy. Why do men do this. My DH is not like that at all.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 29/08/2021 20:11

Well raising your eyebrows clearly isn't working so you need to be far more explicit. Talk to him like you would a child. Serious voice/eye contact. Describe the behaviour, state it's not acceptable, be clear what behaviour you expect and the consequences if you are ignored.

"Actually Knobhead, when you say [insert crude comment] that is sexist, crude and disrespectful to me, and as a woman I am offended. I want you to stop saying these things in front of me. If you don't, I will no longer come put in public with you and you will not be welcome in my home when I am there"

If he argues, don't argue back. Just repeat as above. Maybe adding " you can think what you like, you just don't have to say out loud every thought you have in your head".

Warn DH in advance you intend to do this and that you expect him to at best support you "yeah mate, that's a bit off/she's right shut your trap" or at least keep quiet and not disagree with you.

I'd take a bet he's partly doing this to test how far he can go with you He knows you don't like it and it's a pissing contest to show you who's really boss. Don't play the game.

Be prepared to carry through whatever threat you make about consequences though!

LammasFires · 29/08/2021 20:16

You think he’s nice? 🤮

Peachy66 · 29/08/2021 20:20

Next time he starts disrespecting women.
Say to him with a smile on your face 'I've always wondered why you are single, but now I know'. Then when he questions you, you can reel off everything he has said then end it with - 'Now I know why you are single, as no normal woman would put up with the BS that comes out of your mouth'.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 29/08/2021 20:21

@ToBeSuretoBe

To be fair my DH shakes his head & tells him to stop it but the guy is irrepressible.
He does when you're around is all you can say with certainty.
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 20:23

My DH is not like that at all.

Yet he's one of your husband's best mates. Confused

Noshowwithoutpunch · 29/08/2021 20:27

" And here lies the reason you're sitting here playing gooseberry you wankblanket".

LimeRedBanana · 29/08/2021 20:28

This guy has obviously been on the scene for a long time, if you’re married to your DH (his friend) and you have a DD old enough to be saying his behaviour makes her feel uncomfortable.

I can understand someone coming on to say their new partner has a dickhead friend, what should they do? But this idiot has clearly been on the scene for years and years.

And you’ve never said anything? You’re only asking for advice now?

I mean, how difficult is it just to have nothing to do with him, and be explicit with your husband as to why?

He’s a creep. There’s a reason why he’s single. You don’t like him. You don’t want to spend time with him.

It’s pretty easily resolved, to be honest.

LimeRedBanana · 29/08/2021 20:30

And, in fact, your daughter and her friends refusing to be there when he’s there have figure out how to deal with him much more effectively than you.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 20:31

Does your husband know how uncomfortable this man makes his daughter? If so, he still remains friends with him?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 29/08/2021 20:34

If your husband is not like this at all then why does he allow a man in his home who creeps his daughter out so much she refuses to be around him?
He is a father of a girl. He has a responsibility towards her. You are his wife. Where is his outrage at the disrespect shown to you?

It is true that you judge a person by the company they keep. 🤷‍♀️

You should follow your daughter's excellent example and vote with your feet.

donquixotedelamancha · 29/08/2021 20:40

Vocally assume he's gay. Refer to him as DH's gay mate and every time he's sleazy point out that no one believes he fancies women.

Tell him, really sympathetically, that he doesn't need to do the silly overcompensation every single time he comments on a woman.

SummerWhisper · 29/08/2021 21:05

What behaviour has he shown to your daughter and her friends that they view him as pervy?

That's the bit I would be concentrating on.