To not want to join finances because of this

[LookHerey]

This is a topic of conversation that's been coming up recently with my husband.

We've been married 3 years and never got round to merging finances (I don't want to anyway as explained below!).

At the moment, all bills come out of one of our two accounts, it works out that we are roughly paying the same from each of our accounts for different things. I.e. he'll pay the utilities and council tax bills, I'll pay the mortgage payment and so on... Shopping I tend to do and he just pops me over half the money when I tell him how much it was. It's the way we've always done it, before we were married.

We have a joint savings account in case of a rainy day which we both pay into every month but after that our money is separate and we can do what we like with it. We earn roughly around the same as each other so it's never been an issue.

He has started mentioning maybe it would be easier if we had a joint account for everything, save all the hassle of sending this and that to various places.

Quite honestly the main reason I don't want to do this is I want my own money for our son. My husband has two older children and we have one child together.

I love having my own money and being able to spend it on my son how I wish without having to worry about being seen as fair, or it looking like Dad paid for this for Ben but not Fred when actually the money is half mine (not real names obviously).

I don't want to feel like I can't buy my son a treat or take him out or buy him some extra bits at birthdays and Christmas because we have to spend the same on every one from the "family money".

Is this reasonable? How would you say it? I don't want to come across like a witch but I'm not interested in my money getting caught up in paying equally for DSC in everything and feeling like I can never spoil my son a little when I want to out of my own funds because it's "family money".

I appreciate it is classed as family money if we were to separate, I understand that. But practically on a day to day basis as it is now, we don't question each other on who spends what out of their money and on whom and for the sake of how things are with our son, I want to continue that.

If we have any big expenses like family holidays (including DSC), we pay half. The other just sends it to the person who's booked. Same with food and bills. So I'm not completely separating things and I am contributing to everyone in that sense.

I would tell him the truth, and I happen to agree with you. I would not want my money going to support his children. Their needs are his responsibility, not yours. Normally, I am an advocate for joint finances in a marriage, but having step-children changes that.

Can't you just have a joint bills account and keep your own accounts for "spending money"?

Why don't you use a joint account for savings/shopping/bills then keep separate accounts for spending money?

Why not have a joint account for all bills plus food shopping to come out of, you both transfer over a set amount each month and then have the remainder of your money to spend how you wish? That removes the hassle of transferring money but keeps things largely seperate.

You don’t have to merge finances completely. We never have and we’ve been married 18 years.

We have a joint account for bills, dc, holidays and household expenses. We pay in proportionate to what we earn and we keep the rest ourselves.

We do what has been suggested above. All of our income goes into our own accounts, then we both transfer £900 a month into the joint account. This covers rent, bills, food and random meals out together. I set it up because it was always me doing the food shopping and I was sick of having to remember to ask DP to transfer me half.

I'm echoing all those above who think that a joint bills account is the way to go.

Why does it need to all be combined or kept separate? There is an easy way to have some of both.

Open a joint account and have all bills going from that. Every month on pay day you both send over £1234 to cover bills and shopping. Then keep the rest in your own account.

While I totally agree with you, since things are ticking over nicely, I wouldn't draw his attention to the fact that you don't want to pay for his children - it might just create division between you where none currently exists. So I'd do what pp suggest and get a joint account for all the bills and still keep your own account for everything else.
I think it's sensible in blended families to not merge everything, especially if it's going to lead to resentment.

I agree with PPs. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Like you we earned very similar. We had a joint account where we put an equal amount, enough to cover all bills, shopping, things for the kids, meals out together, etc.
I've honestly never understood people who completely pool finances - unless only one parent works. How do you buy a gift for your DH if it's all shared? What if you don't agree on big purchases?
Better IMO to share necessary joint expenditure and then each have your own money too.

Thanks. I've briefly suggested this. It's probably the best way forward. I just don't know what to say if he asks why I still want to keep other things separate.

Agree with PP, I don't want to say it's because of that in case he takes it badly. He's quite defensive about anything to do with DSC.

Shopping tends to be fairly even each week, so why not a lump sum pay day?

things for the kids

How does this work though? What do we put into a joint account for "things for the kids" when 2 out of 3 aren't mine?

I guess we'd have to just put money in their for DS's joint things and he buys what DSC need (not food or bills but clothes and so on) out of his left over money?

In there* 🙄

Maybe frame it as it would be nice to keep the separate accounts for personal spending, what about if you are buying him Christmas presents, booking something as a surprise etc?

I have a joint account with my partner for household stuff but would never want to give up the privacy of having my own money that I spend how I want and no one can see and think “gosh that new jacket you got cost a lot!” even if they never actually said anything about it. And my partner would defo understand that.

I guess you’d agree what a sensible monthly amount was for mortgage, bills, food shopping and children expenditure. He would obviously spend some of that on DSC but then nothing stopping you topping it up with stuff for your DS from your personal account.

Do both. Have a joint account for shared domestic bills and expenses. And your own account for personal spending. He would also have his own account for his personal spending.

Having a joint account doesn't mean you're joined at the hip; we have a couple of joint accounts and also both have a couple of private accounts.

What would you class as "children expenditure" though? I don't want to be contributing half to things like clothes, school stuff, hair cuts and so on... For DSC. It's not up to me imo to do that and takes away from DS if I'm spending "my" money on paying equally into an account that covers that.

I'd rather keep child expenditures like that separate.

Before I became a SAHP we'd always had a joint account for joint expenses and our own separate one.

DH 'administered' but only because he enjoys banking and financial stuff. Every month we'd put in the same amount and that funded all bills and our shopping.

There's no need to totally merge your finances in this case

@GaspingGekko

I agree with PPs. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Like you we earned very similar. We had a joint account where we put an equal amount, enough to cover all bills, shopping, things for the kids, meals out together, etc. I've honestly never understood people who completely pool finances - unless only one parent works. How do you buy a gift for your DH if it's all shared? What if you don't agree on big purchases? Better IMO to share necessary joint expenditure and then each have your own money too.

We pool finances. We have our own credit cards and we compromise on big purchases (or argue until I win!), but seriously, we don't buy anything particularly expensive for ourselves. It's so much easier than messing about with trying to figure out what percentage of your income should go into a joint pot. We trust each other though - something that doesn't seem a common occurrence on here.

@LookHerey

What would you class as "children expenditure" though? I don't want to be contributing half to things like clothes, school stuff, hair cuts and so on... For DSC. It's not up to me imo to do that and takes away from DS if I'm spending "my" money on paying equally into an account that covers that.

I'd rather keep child expenditures like that separate.

Could you talk to him about all DSC expenditure, including maintenance payments, coming out of his 'spare money' pot and not out of the joint money?

I agree you are right. You should spend more on your son because he’s with you 100% of the time so needs enough clothes/toys for every moment of his life. His kids will be else where so won’t need as much at yours. My only concern is your husband paying for the things your son needs as well or just his kids?

Alternatively could you not just keep separate finances and pay for shopping on alternate weeks - rather than him sending you half each week?

Maybe it would be a bit of compromise? Like no, you wouldn’t be paying equally towards those things for DSC with your husband. But I think it’s mean spirited to say not a penny of yours will go on the DSC. I’d pick an amount that feels reasonable for half of DS expenditure, plus a little bit more to make it feel like you aren’t completely absenting yourself from any interest in the DSC - but not so much that you’re paying 50/50 of their expenses with DH.

You really shouldn't have to justify why you want a separate account just in your name, too.

My husband and I have a joint for bills etc but our pay goes into our separate accounts and we transfer into the joint on payday. It's never been an issue.

If he did start using joint money for the step children, I'd gently remind him that you are not financially responsible for them as they've already got two parents for that.