To not want to join finances because of this

[LookHerey]

This is a topic of conversation that's been coming up recently with my husband.

We've been married 3 years and never got round to merging finances (I don't want to anyway as explained below!).

At the moment, all bills come out of one of our two accounts, it works out that we are roughly paying the same from each of our accounts for different things. I.e. he'll pay the utilities and council tax bills, I'll pay the mortgage payment and so on... Shopping I tend to do and he just pops me over half the money when I tell him how much it was. It's the way we've always done it, before we were married.

We have a joint savings account in case of a rainy day which we both pay into every month but after that our money is separate and we can do what we like with it. We earn roughly around the same as each other so it's never been an issue.

He has started mentioning maybe it would be easier if we had a joint account for everything, save all the hassle of sending this and that to various places.

Quite honestly the main reason I don't want to do this is I want my own money for our son. My husband has two older children and we have one child together.

I love having my own money and being able to spend it on my son how I wish without having to worry about being seen as fair, or it looking like Dad paid for this for Ben but not Fred when actually the money is half mine (not real names obviously).

I don't want to feel like I can't buy my son a treat or take him out or buy him some extra bits at birthdays and Christmas because we have to spend the same on every one from the "family money".

Is this reasonable? How would you say it? I don't want to come across like a witch but I'm not interested in my money getting caught up in paying equally for DSC in everything and feeling like I can never spoil my son a little when I want to out of my own funds because it's "family money".

I appreciate it is classed as family money if we were to separate, I understand that. But practically on a day to day basis as it is now, we don't question each other on who spends what out of their money and on whom and for the sake of how things are with our son, I want to continue that.

If we have any big expenses like family holidays (including DSC), we pay half. The other just sends it to the person who's booked. Same with food and bills. So I'm not completely separating things and I am contributing to everyone in that sense.

Bills and food and your joint sons expenses clothes etc from joint account. Keep the savings account for holidays and emergencies, he pays for his separate dc separately obviously any food they use from joint but otherwise his responsibility solely that's what dh and I do. He'll generally pay if us and dsc go out but sometimes it comes out of joint, mine have now left home. If and when he takes his dc out for day or meals he pays for them. We earn similar, have similar capital bit I'm a saver he's a spender so no way is ever going to be totally joint. We've been together a long time now and there's been a few sticky patches over money especially when he's emptied the joint account to cover his credit card bills after overspending on his dc at Xmas once but I found total honesty worked best. I shouldn't have to pay for his dc he's never paid for mine.

Joint account for mortgage, gas, elec, water, council tax, insurance etc, and then what is left is your own in your own separate accounts. Works well for us. DH earns more and pays for the good. I get most of DS clothes. We have joint savings for holidays, furniture as well, but there is no way I would completely merge finances. My parents did it this way and it worked for them as well. To be honest my DH would never merge finances because he knows i’d be checking on all his spends … so it suits us fine.

@GreenestValley

Maybe it would be a bit of compromise? Like no, you wouldn’t be paying equally towards those things for DSC with your husband. But I think it’s mean spirited to say not a penny of yours will go on the DSC. I’d pick an amount that feels reasonable for half of DS expenditure, plus a little bit more to make it feel like you aren’t completely absenting yourself from any interest in the DSC - but not so much that you’re paying 50/50 of their expenses with DH.

Imo I do this though, by paying half of the bills, the mortgage, the shopping, our holidays. I don't see why I need to give a certain amount towards more than that.

I'm not talking the odd thing, I've paid for treats for all the kids before, contributed toward Christmas presents etc... but a set monthly amount going toward their "expenditure" outside of bills and food is not something I want to do.

I would just have one account that all direct debits (usually bills) come out of. Maybe throw in a chunk for groceries that you all share anyway. It's easy to work out roughly what it costs you after a while. And then keep everything else separate. Maybe a joint savings account if you save together for holidays and stuff.

That way all the administrative and essential stuff is covered - and no one is transferring anyone any money. And then you both just keep the rest. He can afford for his kids what he can afford, and you for yours.

That seems like a reasonable compromise.

Pay proportionately to earnings be direct debit into a joint account for mortgage, household bills, holidays,, child related stuff for your DS, and each keep the rest of your earnings for your individual needs. Any costs for his DC come out of his earnings alone, not the joint pot.
We 'be been married 20 and never merged earnings. We pay % of our salary. I save the rest of mine, DH spends his.

I think some of it is about your partner's relationship with the children's mother.

Do the children live with her some of the time? Is she earning? Does your husband pay maintenance and is this meant to cover clothing, school- related expenses etc?

Basically if what your husband is spending on his kids is just extras - treats when they're staying during weekends, maybe a bigger holiday cottage then you'd get if it' was just the three of you going away together - then it does seem ungenerous to say, 'I don't want any of my money going on buying them a big Mac or a cinema ticket'.

On the other hand older children can also cost a lot more than younger ones - eg support when they go off to university etc.

Then there's the question of how much you earn.

If you are on minimum wage then you don't want to be permanently broke because your partner wants to be Disney Dad. On the other hand if you earn a good income and you really grudge paying for the odd milkshake then it implies you don't have much of a relationship with your stepchildren.

It really isn't possible to say without knowing more about everyone's situation.

Look I know you didn't ask this and it's none of my business but how is your mortgage set up? Is your share protected for your ds?

Why can't you just put a portion towards the bills, food and holidays in the joint accounts? When you need to buy stuff for your ds you do and ask dh to cover half the costs when needed. As for the dsc he covers their costs from his own account in its entirety. You would both need to be clear that the joint account just covers food, utilities and mortgage though and that is easy enough presuming you communicate with each other.

We have a joint bills account that we both pay into. All food, petrol, holidays, utilities, mortgage, insurance, joint savings etc. goes out of this account. DH pays more into it than I do (he earns more and there’s DSS to pay for) and he pays maintenance from his own account. We spend/save our own account money as we wish. I buy my own adult DS and DGS things out of my account.

Do you have a will?

@JennieLee

I think some of it is about your partner's relationship with the children's mother.

Do the children live with her some of the time? Is she earning? Does your husband pay maintenance and is this meant to cover clothing, school- related expenses etc?

Basically if what your husband is spending on his kids is just extras - treats when they're staying during weekends, maybe a bigger holiday cottage then you'd get if it' was just the three of you going away together - then it does seem ungenerous to say, 'I don't want any of my money going on buying them a big Mac or a cinema ticket'.

On the other hand older children can also cost a lot more than younger ones - eg support when they go off to university etc.

Then there's the question of how much you earn.

If you are on minimum wage then you don't want to be permanently broke because your partner wants to be Disney Dad. On the other hand if you earn a good income and you really grudge paying for the odd milkshake then it implies you don't have much of a relationship with your stepchildren.

It really isn't possible to say without knowing more about everyone's situation.

This is spot on. I’m also going to disagree with everyone who recommended to just do a joint bills account. I think that right now, if you say he’s defensive about DSC, then you’re skating on thin ice just around the topic. Whereas if you open a bills account and everything is split except anything to do with the DSC, it’s going to draw a lot of attention to them. @JennieLee has already covered the “right or wrong” of it, but if you don’t want to spend two pence on them, then your current financial situation is the way to keep it. Also, if you die, do you want your husband to inherit or your son? I believe it’s husband who would get it if you died tomorrow, and then when he went, he could split it between all three children. If you want your assets just for DS, I guess see a solicitor.

It's not about not wanting to spend two pence on them or buy them a milkshake on a day out. I wouldn't care who's account paid for ice creams on a day out or whatever.

But they are expensive in terms of bigger expenditures, they live with us 50% of the time so no maintenance but they do go through clothes like there was no tomorrow which have to be the "in" brands, shoes, have multiple hobbies they each go to which add up, back to school stuff is a fortune each year, as they are older anything they want for Christmas or birthdays is eye-watering, phone contracts and so on...

I don't want to get tied up in paying for that sort of stuff. That takes away from what I have available to spend on / for DS.

I don't mind the odd treat or day out or putting something to presents etc.. but I don't want to contribute a set monthly figure to all of that or get involved in paying for it.

I don't blame you for not wanting your money to be spent on his older ones, he should respect that.
If he pushes having a joint account, could you suggest putting a small amount in to pay the bills etc, but keep back your own individual pots for your own children?

Are you implying that your DH would use money in a joint account to pay for his older children?
You could go as far as saying that joint account covers essential bills + food shopping and anything else you buy and send each other bills etc for …

YANBU. They’re his kids, he needs to pay for them. You’re doing plenty already.

I don’t see why you can’t have both. We both have our own bank accounts and a joint bank account. All the bills and food come out of the joint account and we pay in a fixed amount each every month. The rest of our respective money is ours to do with as we please.

You could put equal amounts into a joint bills, joint activities and food account?

The easiest thing would be to set up a JC for bills, shopping and sundries and jointly pay into that, but keep your salaries being paid into your single accounts, so you can spend personally from there. This wouldn’t work if you earned v different incomes but it should work for you. So I’d suggest that.

You have a household account

Food
Bills
Insurance
TV
Savings

This is for anything home related

He should put in slightly more - as his children eat and use electricity etc Maybe include an addition £X for your joint DS spends

Then you have your own money

We just transfer an agreed amount into a separate bills / food / takeaway account everything surplus is ours to save or spend as we wish and works great

DP and I have our own accounts, all bills and the mortgage come from the joint account. That way you know where you are and don't pay for things you don't want to.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to want to do 59% on DSC costs. But that doesn’t preclude a joint account for food, bills etc.

Can’t you do a joint account for everything except child-related (or other agreed) costs? Presumably he already pays 50% to you of your joint DC’s expenses, and you already pay 0% of the DSC’s costs? Why would a joint account make that a difficult conversation?

Open -
One joint bank account that all the bills and food come from and you each put half in each month
One joint savings account that you each put an agreed amount in monthly that pays for holidays and home improvements etc

Then everything else stays in your own separate accounts. If he asks why then you need to explain that you need to be able to have money each that you dont have to explain to each other- for example i can get my hair /nails done without my husband knowing the cost, i dont see what my husband spends on golf etc - if everything is shared it leads to arguments. Plus how can you ever plan a surprise or buy each other a present if everything is joint?

There is also the question of communication between the partner and the ex? Are they in agreement that their children should have the best of everything - branded clothing, many activities, more expensive phones? Can both parents easily afford this and are the costs shared? Or, if it's a bit of a stretch to pay for it all, how does this impact on money available for the youngest child? Also, the OP is more likely to be working part-time and/or facing higher childcare costs than the mother of older children? Are the three adults involved able to discuss finances in a civilised way?

@MagnoliaBeige

Why not have a joint account for all bills plus food shopping to come out of, you both transfer over a set amount each month and then have the remainder of your money to spend how you wish? That removes the hassle of transferring money but keeps things largely seperate.

This is my suggestion too. Your DH is not unreasonable to want a joint account set up to handle bills and food. Opening a joint account doesn’t mean you have to close your individual accounts or merge all your money.

We do it that way. Have joint account and joint savings plus our own individual accounts. The joint accounts are for covering bills, food, and saving for things like a new hoover (household things that break and need to be replaced). Everything not needed to pay bills or save for future bills, goes in our individual accounts and we still spend how we want to.

Get a joint account for bills as that would be easier probably as just a case of transferring money over once a month (could even be set up to do it automatically), but I'd feel the same as you, whether that's 'right' or not I don't know. I'd just say that you feel having separate finances works well as long as bills etc are equally covered, and you don't want to change it.