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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm not over reacting

49 replies

imthecrazyone · 29/08/2021 12:28

Went away for a weekend break, bliss so I thought.

Am I right in feeling really pissed off? Or am
I actually over reacting...

I have a 3 year old daughter. She threw an epic tantrum that lasted for half hour. She wanted to go the the park but was SO tired. I tried to taking her to the bathroom to clean teeth wash etc this resulted in her being so worked up she threw up everywhere.

Stressful I lost my patience with her and bought her back to accommodation, I was clearly pissed off and told me DH to give me space whilst I calmed down.

I have two younger children under 1 who thankfully were asleep at the time, but I had just dealt with them and got them to sleep.

He accuses me of working my child into this state & keeps screaming she's only 3! He then lobs my phone at me and pushes me out his way using his hands.

I told him not to touch me and to leave me to calm down.

We were due to stay another night & whilst I had just put all three children to bed he proceeded to pack everything away, and that was our holiday done.

I had been food shopping the day before for our 3 day break. I woke up to find he had thrown all the food out. Everything. Microwave meals, steak, sausages fresh bread, salad, fruit you name it. What a waste. I had nothing to feed the kids with this morning and what a waste of money!

He calls me crazy, I'm the mental one. I told him if he had let me have 5 minutes to myself none of this would have happened. He would go away when I asked him multiple times. That's not how it works, I shouldn't be allowed space apparently.

He stayed outside of the accommodation last night drinking, eating burgers & talking to all the fellow guests. Whilst I sat inside soothing a baby to sleep & crying exhausted and in shock of how he treated me.

When I addressed him throwing things at me and pushing me he said it never happened and I'm crazy & IF it did happen then it's unacceptable. He knows what he did! Then to realise his thrown all my food shopping away I just gave up. I'm now sat in the back of a car with two babies and an upset toddler in the front because she didn't want to go home. We had no choice he pack us up! Fuming and drained. Happy fucking holiday 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 29/08/2021 12:31

Is this typical behaviour from you husband? It sounds a very abusive relationship based on yesterday's events. Is this the best environment for your children to grow up in if regularly occuring?

ThreeLittleDots · 29/08/2021 12:32

You are not overreacting x

Original poster

imthecrazyone · 29/08/2021 12:35

His never pushed me or thrown something at me. He said that's how angry I made him because he kept trying to talking to me by repeatedly saying my name. I told him if he really knew me he would know to let me have some space after the toddler tantrum.

He has never ever been able to accept responsibility it is always my fault! So drained

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 29/08/2021 12:36

YANBU

He is the one who has massively over reacted, and you are understandably upset.

GarnetsandRubies · 29/08/2021 12:42

Leave him ffs why do people put up with being that like shit!! And on the plus side he can have the DC a couple of days a week giving you a break, win win

thebloodymenopause · 29/08/2021 12:42

Whilst you didn't react well to your toddlers meltdown, your DH made things ten times worse. It sounds very heightened emotionally. I think you need family therapy.

If his behaviour was consistently abusive I'd say it was time to leave.

GarnetsandRubies · 29/08/2021 12:42

Treat not that

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/08/2021 12:43

His behaviour is appalling. You didn't make him do anything. He had a choice and he threw an epic tantrum. Children have tantrums when they can't control a situation. Adults have tantrums to control and manipulate other people.

He wanted a holiday where you did all the work and he did all the relaxing and when you stepped out of that he wrecked the holiday. If he couldn't get the holiday exactly as he wanted it then there was no holiday at all.

Do you change your behaviour to avoid his moods?
Have you given up asking him to do stuff because it isn't worth the hassle?
Are you more relaxed when he is not around?
Do you do all the life admin and he just blames you if it goes wrong?

If you answer yes to the above then this isn't a one-off blip but a more fundamental issue.

douliket · 29/08/2021 12:47

It's your three ur old that I am feeling so concerned for right now. 😔what an awful experience for her, the screaming and pushing from her parents, her own big emotions that led to her tantrum and then the cut short trip and the tension in the car.
I am sorry for you also, it sounds horrendous but it sounds like it has come from somewhere else,has this being building? I'm sure the both of you are exhausted and this had part to do with what happened,it's sounds like you were exhaust and not in a place to deal with tantrum and you rightly recognised this and looked for space. It sounds that your dh was also exhausted(3 babies, work, holidays etc..) and was prob enjoying the peace while you and three year old were out and then the chaos began and neither of you had the energy to deal with it right.
That said,ur dp was a prick to go off drinking as his way of dealing with this and to dump all your food in a temper. I would try stop at a park maybe on the way home to give the kids a break from the car.
I would be having a serious conversation about his behaviour, I would tell him he needs to grow up, and become the parent and husband he needs to be or that he will be gone. What age is he, he sounds very very immature..maybe keep your distance from each other untill you both have rested and can have a proper chat, a holiday isn't really holiday with 2 babies under 1 and a three year old!!

Bonheurdupasse · 29/08/2021 12:48

His behaviour is shockingly bad.
OP please seriously consider leaving.

If you want to give it one more chance, tell him you’re leaving unless you can have a very serious conversation about it and he apologizes profusely.

HalzTangz · 29/08/2021 12:50

He shouldn't have pushed, thrown things or threw the food away, there's no excuse for that.

When he child was having the tantrum how did you deal with it, were you calm throughout or did you shout at the child? If the latter maybe that's what caused your husband to then be upset. (Doesn't excuse his behaviour), but maybe explaining that the tantrum drained you and thats why you needed 5 minutes, rather than just telling/shouting for him to get away from you/leave you alone, may have diffused the whole situation.

HollowTalk · 29/08/2021 12:50

You and your children would find you were living in a much calmer and happier home if he wasn't in it.

MrsRobbieHart · 29/08/2021 12:54

I wouldn’t be returning home with a man so insanely nasty as to throw out all the family’s food because he was angry at you. Let alone one who would throw your belongings and push you.

This is an a suite relationship OP. Where can you go to that you will be safe?

MrsRobbieHart · 29/08/2021 12:54

*abusive!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 29/08/2021 12:59

What is his actual contribution to your life? If when you look at it carefully, you would be as well off mentally/physically/financially if he were not there, then seriously thinking of leaving him to get on with it is definitely something to have in your mind.

If you decide that he's worth being with, then I think some sort of family counselling might help you both, and would definitely help you not to make the children's childhoods into a nightmare of conflict and ill-temper.

billy1966 · 29/08/2021 13:00

You have 3 children under the age of three and a hugely abusive husband who pushed you?

You are very vulnerable.

You need to contact Women's asap for advice.

He knows well what he did was wrong that is why he is gas lighting you.

Pushing you out of the way is assault.
Don't you think otherwise.

Next is a shove, before he hits you.

This is an abusive man.

Please seek support.

Original poster

imthecrazyone · 29/08/2021 13:02

His normally really helpful and hands on with the kids, we do have issues normally me getting annoyed at the way he talks to me his very bossy. Very much his way or the high way.

I feel sorry for my 3 year old. She was asleep when all this happened last night so she didn't hear it. I took her out to the park this morning with bubbles and we had a great few hours whilst I left him to pack it all up himself! ( what was left )

I've told him calmly we're not talking about this whilst the kids are in the car

He needs to apologise. He will but it's always followed up with BUT

I stayed calm until 10 mins into the tantrum and I just picked her up under my arm kicking and screaming back to the accommodation. She RARELY has them that bad & I was so tired from no sleep the night before. I could have tried harder to calm her down! I just lost all patience.

I wasn't screaming at him to leave me alone. My kids were sleeping. I literally asked him please give me 5 mins to myself. He wouldn't. I went out for a walk to calm down x

OP posts:

Returnoftheowl · 29/08/2021 13:03

He's minimise the fact he's been violent towards you. Maybe this will be a one off, but chances are it won't be. What will he do next time...or the time after that...

ellyeth · 29/08/2021 13:07

It's all very well people saying "just leave". We are talking about a situation with three young children involved and it's not that easy to just leave.

It sounds like both of you are under a great deal of stress, which is causing you to respond over emotionally to challenging situations. It is not that surprising as your children are very young.

Your husband was stupid to throw away all the food and to pack up all your stuff. He should have done what you would have liked to do when you were upset - got out of the way and calmed down.

Is this sort of controlling behaviour a regular thing or was this outburst unusual?

OverweightPidgeon · 29/08/2021 13:08

HalzTangz it doesn’t matter if the op didn’t deal with the toddlers tantrum in a calm manner- it sounds as if she reached the end of her tether, which lots of parents sometimes do . The father should have been helping her , not pushing her about and throwing things. If she asked him for some space then that is exactly what he should have given her .

ThreeLittleDots · 29/08/2021 13:08

Very much his way or the highway

This isn't a healthy relationship OP

PopcornMuncher · 29/08/2021 13:09

You can't fix this. He is violent and won't change. Can you contact women's aid and make a plan to leave. Don't tell him though

MrsRobbieHart · 29/08/2021 13:10

It's all very well people saying "just leave". We are talking about a situation with three young children involved and it's not that easy to just leave.

Let’s get one thing clear, for anyone who needs to hear it, no one in the history of MN has ever posted the words “leave, it’s easy” because no-one in the history of mumsnet thinks it is easy, because a significant number of us have left or have helped someone to leave. When people say leave, they are not being flippant.

VeganCheesePlease · 29/08/2021 13:10

OP this is a massive red flag, even if he's not behaved like this before.
He threw your phone at your, threw out all of his family's food and then f**ked off to drink and eat burgers.
When you've brought it up he's denying it.
Serious chat definitely needed, and if he can't accept his behaviour was appalling then I think you have lots to think about here.

FrownedUpon · 29/08/2021 13:18

This all sounds really damaging to your children. You need to leave.

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