To be Bossy About My BILs Health?

[Fucket]

My BIL, lives alone has a girlfriend of sorts (he never lives with his partners, just cycles through them every 1-3 years), had a health scare 2-3 years ago. He had sores on his feet, and couldn’t walk far, was told he had an enlarged heart with fluid build up. He was also told he was pre-diabetic. This was all on private health with his employer scheme. But then he quit his job and left that scheme and has started with a different health insurance provider. I think this is relevant because I don’t think notes get shared, and I don’t believe BIL has been to see a GP.

BIL told us 2-3 years ago it was an infection with his heart that had caused it. His sores seemed to have disappeared and we assumed all was well.

Fast forward to Covid we didn’t see him in a year at least. He told my DH (his brother) that he’d got a hernia around his belly button and was seeing a consultant about operating.

BIL tells DH they won’t operate because BIL has heart failure, possible liver failure, ascites and fluid in his abdomen and around his lungs and heart. He’s going to see a heart consultant once private referral from one doctor to the other goes through. In the meantime we now see BIL in the flesh at my son’s birthday party. Whereby he is gaunt in face, and arms, but a huge belly. He looks dire. I prepare a raw salad for BIL which everyone can eat but he insists on ordering a pizza (because my son wanted takeaway pizza for his birthday). He ate a massive pizza. He’s off out to a party today with his girlfriend.

I want to call BIL tomorrow and find out exactly what steps he’s taking to protect his health. He just tells DH he knows he needs to change his diet, but will wait to see consultant first. I doubt BIL has told his girlfriend about all this because I refuse to believe any sane, caring woman will allow her boyfriend to continue drinking and partying with such serious problems.

My FIL is ill, and both he and MIL don’t know because BIL doesn’t want to worry them.

DH is telling me not to get involved. My thinking is, I don’t care if I upset BIL because he is seriously ill and might respond to someone willing to help them think about hospitals and doctors appointments.

I have done similar with my father before he got a partner, buried his head in the sand and used to ring him daily and nag him to see a GP and get him to go shopping and buy healthy food. My father was depressed, and couldn’t think for himself properly. DH thinks I’m not to try. When DH speaks to BIL he seems to dance about the issue but never really has a direct conversation about it. I don’t think DH is taking it seriously either, he wanted me to buy beer for his brother for the party and I point blank refused to.

So AIBU to ignore DH and telephone BIL?

I wanted to speak with BIL alone in person at the party but my kids wouldn’t give us any free time to do so.

BIL is 50 btw and mostly lives on takeaways and never exercises so I cannot understand how he has gone from being overweight to how he is in 18 months of not seeing him because of covid restrictions without something seriously wrong with him.

Your BIL’s health is his own responsibility, surely. He’s aware of the situation, and awaiting a cardiac referral. You may not approve of his diet, but it’s really not your job to police his behaviour, or his girlfriend’s.

What on earth makes you think you have the right to do this?

The only person who can help your bil,is your bil

You being bossy will achieve nothing

Your heart is in the right place but as his sil would he accept your concern as concern or interference? He is a 50 year old adult and should be aware by now that the negative choices he is making re diet and exercise are impacting his poor health. Ultimately we don't get to choose how long we are on the planet for but we can choose to some extent whether we are in good health during that time or not.

I would phone him and say that you are concerned for him and want to help in any way you can even if that is being at the other end of the phone. He might not want you to be his nurse or saviour and you have a different relationship to the one with your dad. I would be inclined to tell your dh not to bury his head in the sand and speak to his brother and get him to realise the urgency regarding his health!

You’re lovely for caring, OP. Absolutely call BIL, he may tell you to mind your own business, but it might also plant a seed in his mind.

I have known my BIL a long time, It is very hard to watch someone you know and care about self destruct without not wanting to help them.

I’m not policing his girlfriend I just don’t think she is aware. Not that women are the ones who should be responsible for their menfolk, but I do believe the reason married men live
Longer is because they have a wife pushing them to eat better and see doctors.

He’s an adult. Leave him be.

I think tone is important here. use caring and supportive language abd tell him you are worried. But he's not a child so i wouldn't be bossing him about, no.

I think a kind conversation might be helpful but your tone is full on and overbearing.

As someone who has weight issues your approach would make me switch off. These are complex issues and won’t be solved with bossiness.

I think you should have a really good think about your motives and your understanding of what your BIL might be going through.

@Fucket

I have known my BIL a long time, It is very hard to watch someone you know and care about self destruct without not wanting to help them.

I’m not policing his girlfriend I just don’t think she is aware. Not that women are the ones who should be responsible for their menfolk, but I do believe the reason married men live
Longer is because they have a wife pushing them to eat better and see doctors.

You don’t think your BIL has mentioned to his girlfriend the fact that surgeons couldn’t operate because of his serious health issues and that he’s waiting for another consult, let alone that she might not have noticed his giant swollen belly and gaunt limbs and face, or inability to walk far?

And you think this because no ‘normal’ woman would ‘allow’ her boyfriend to ‘continue drinking and partying’ in his circumstances?

Where have you absorbed this idea that men’s health is women’s responsibility?

Ok I won’t be bossy. If DH is the only person who knows and by extension me, we are the only two people who can be supportive and suggest changes. I suspect he has not told anyone else because then it makes it real, and they will, by extension want him to change his lifestyle too.

We don’t live close by so we can’t be round their stacking his fridge for him. So talking to him is all we/I can do.

Notes about my tone are taken onboard.

In your shoes i don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t try to help.
You may well get nowhere.

It’s so hard seeing someone who has refused to help themselves

There's a lot of ground between a raw salad and a takeaway pizza. I get where you're coming from, but you don't really know how to help him. Being bossy with your BIL won't unpick a lifetime's habits and the psychological issues behind them. My FIL had a similar health scare, had a big heart op to fix it, ate healthily (ridiculously so, not even milk in tea) for a month or two and then went back to eating and drinking even worse than ever. You can of course let BIL know you're concerned and care, and have an adult (respectful not bossy) discussion with him if he's open to it, but that's about as much as you can do and it's impact is likely to be limited. As for his parents and girlfriend needing to know, that's really his decision. Your opinion is valid but not right for him.

In my experience of life. FIL wouldn’t see a doctor for years - BIL father - ended up going to hospital because he could no longer urinate. MIL is on his case and manages his appointments. My own father, my own grandfather, all had women looking after them.

Even DH I have to nag to book himself a dental appointment.

It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. Clearly BIL and DH have learned from example and as much as I don’t think it’s right, I care enough to know if Women in men’s lives didn’t care about their health they’d be worse off.

I suspect I may get nowhere. Have gone through similar with my own mother who died at 55. Maybe that’s clouding it. I couldn’t stand back and watch her kill her self without trying to get her help. She ignored it too. There is a point, granted, when you have to accept you can’t fix people. But I did help my father, being on the phone checking up on him, he got through his problems and I regularly talk to him about his appointments, diagnosis, prognosis, next steps (he has a different health issue now so lots of medications etc).

Well, now I know who those NHS ads addressing women about nagging their husbands into having prostate checks are aimed at. The whole attitude infantilises adult men and turns women into their mothers. I expect DH to manage his own health.

@Fucket

Ok I won’t be bossy. If DH is the only person who knows and by extension me, we are the only two people who can be supportive and suggest changes. I suspect he has not told anyone else because then it makes it real, and they will, by extension want him to change his lifestyle too.

We don’t live close by so we can’t be round their stacking his fridge for him. So talking to him is all we/I can do.

Notes about my tone are taken onboard.

Do you know he hasn’t told anyone else or just think so? If he hasn’t told anyone other than his brother (who has ‘by extension’ told you, incidentally did BIL know this info was going to be passed on to you?) then it suggests that it’s something he (rightly) considers private and personal. You thinking you can bulldoze in, control what he’s eating, offer unsolicited advice, wanting to ‘stack his fridge’ is overbearing, unwelcome and ultimately unhelpful. You’re not his doctor. He hasn’t asked for your help. There’s likely to be many things going on here about which you are clueless.

You remind me of a colleague who was talking about another colleague. The first woman is a very fit and slim woman, goes to the gym daily and really watches what she eats. She’s in great shape. The second woman is morbidly obese, I would think she weighs in the region of 27/28 stone. She cannot walk on the flat for 2 minutes without getting breathless. Her joints are sore all the time- she will spontaneously volunteer that info. The first woman was suggesting someone close to the second woman should ‘just tell her to go for a walk every evening, it would make such a difference’, either ignoring or being unaware of many issues including the complex psychology of morbid obesity and weight loss, the impossibility of this woman doing exercise, the fact that diet is more likely to lead to weight loss for her, the joint pains, inevitable ‘chub rub’ and shortness of breath etc, the mockery she would face etc. The intentions may have been good but the execution and delivery certainly would not have been.

I suggest you back off and let this man deal with his health issues with the relevant professionals.

Yes it was a FaceTime call. Kids were milling about in background, I was there too. This is why I know all of it. He hasn’t told his parents, he FaceTimes DH everyday. His girlfriend has a very ill mother, they don’t see each other very often, I know because these conversations are had on FaceTime often. It’s weird because I don’t actually like having conversations over FaceTime with people, but I accept DH and BIL are comfortable enough for me to hear their conversations (99% about sport).

You can lead a horse to water, OP. My PIL have had health problems for the 20 years I've known them. Pair of them are on death's door and still ignore the constant nagging for DH to look after themselves.

Do you have the full story OP, or does DH know more? I ask because a relative had terminal cancer and I never actually told my DH it was terminal because the relative asked me not to.

FWIW, if I knew I was very seriously, possibly terminally, ill then I would also be chugging back the pizza and beers instead of salad too.

I want him to see his GP. I think he ought to be seeking Their advice instead of paying to see consultants who won’t be trained in other aspects of medicine. It’s all well and good waiting to see a heart consultant but shouldn’t someone be thinking about getting his ascites under control especially if he has a hernia? He has no medication.

Your poor BIL sounds like he has end stage heart failure from your description alone.
He needs urgent medical care if he isn't receiving it already. I don't know if you are in the UK?
Pizza/salad is neither here nor there. Nagging is irrelevant. He is obviously a very sick man.

Oh good 17to35 that is my fear. And yes diet changes may not be enough now. The scans he had said he had signs of cirrhosis, and all this fluid. But as that consultant wasn’t a heart specialist he could only refer him elsewhere.

Go ahead and give him a call. What a lovely SIL you are to care. I can't believe how many posters have told you to mind your own business.

This is not just one call, it is potentially long term support (or long term nagging depending on which way you look at it).

So if you do that first call, I think you should explicitly offer the support. Describe how you helped your dad & ask if he wants the same kind of help. And if he says no, respect that.

Call him. I don’t care if men are supposed to look after their own health....if you’ve spotted something, then talk to him.
My mother has basically saved my dads life twice. She knew his cough sounded different and book a GP appointment for him....he had very early lung cancer. An op but no chemo and it was gone.
She did the same with picking up on his oesophageal cancer...again an op but no chemo etc.