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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Several years later and I don't think I can trust him

31 replies

ChancesAre1 · 28/08/2021 22:03

I thought I had gotten over my DH (DP then) cheating on me, messaging other women, flirtatious behaviour. But, tonight I think I have realised that I haven't.

The last time he did anything 'wrong' was a week after our wedding, three years ago. It was just a flirtatious message to an acquaintance, nothing physically happened that I know of but there was a suggestion from her that he should be 'cheeky' and come and meet her. Just before our wedding there was an incident of going to a strip club and getting a private dance. Which I found out about a week after the wedding and was not something I would have been ok with.

A few years prior to that he slept with someone else, once maybe twice. While also sending inappropriate messages to someone I thought was a friend. These things were 8 years ago now. So a long time ago but it was heartbreaking and I worked hard to forgive and forget. I thought I was ok now.

He went out with a group of his friends today, he left at 12 and he still isn't back despite saying he'd be home by dinner time latest. No calls or texts. I tried ringing at dinner time.
It has brought up the old feeling I had of just not trusting him. I hate it. He is probably just enjoying time with the 'lads'.

AIBU to feel like this. I have no evidence that anything has happened that's untoward but I just feel like he's up to no good.

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 28/08/2021 22:04

Do you have children? I would honestly divorce.

Yummymummy2020 · 28/08/2021 22:11

Yeah I second that, you sound too good for him to be honest and it must be very stressful!

pinkstripeycat · 28/08/2021 22:12

I couldn’t live like that. I’d feel the same as you OP. I wouldn’t be able to forgive or forget I’m afraid. You’ve tried and it hasn’t made you feel any better. I’d trust your gut feeling on this

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 28/08/2021 22:20

I honestly think that once the trust has been broken (and he's done several awful things) you never trust again. You want to, try to, say you do, but when pushed (like this) you know you don't.

My DP became an ex because I hated the way it made me feel and I couldn't change it.

My friend, however, thinks that she is very happy with her DH & their life together & she thinks she can trust him now, but accepts she might be wrong and she doesn't let it bother her. She says she'd rather be happy now & divorce him later if she finds out he's cheated (again) than miss out on the happy life she's living now.

Both valid views, just depends which you prefer.

It's shitty of him though to say he'd definitely be home by dinner time & not call/text/send courtier pigeon to tell you he wouldn't be. I can't be done with that!

No excuse is good enough for not letting you know.

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 22:36

He has been unfaithful and you have forgiven him so he has got away with it.
He knows he can do what he wants because you will do nothing.

It's up to you of you want to put up with a life like this. How much of it you can stand is your decision.
Not nice at all

billy1966 · 28/08/2021 22:45

I don't know how you have stayed with him.

Did you go on to have children?

If not? Dump.

He's sleazy.

You deserve better.Flowers

Dontbeme · 28/08/2021 22:48

Did he confess to his infidelity at the time or did you discover what he had done later? Did he make sincere efforts to repair the relationship and to reassure you when you needed it as often as you needed it or was he dismissive and have an attitude that it was "so long ago, why are you still going on"?

In my relationship I had to discover and then got the dismissive attitude, and honestly that's what killed it stone dead in time, how he behaved after was nearly as bad as the infidelity, anything I felt for him died piece by piece. YANBU to feel how you do OP, experts reckon it takes two to five years for healing with both partners being fully, honestly engaged in recovery. The question remains would it be better for the faithful partner to spend that time rebuilding alone and just becoming happy and secure without always having to look over their shoulder.

Elieza · 28/08/2021 22:49

I’d be well annoyed.

A lot of people are going off the rails after covid. Like they want all the fun they missed out on rolled up into one night out. They seem to lose self control.

Perhaps his phone died. But he knows what time he told you to expect him. When he finally crawls in I’d wait until the next day later in once he is sober and with it, and ask wtf he thinks he’s playing at and that it’s not acceptable.

Your feelings are valid as he’s behaved badly in the past. I think I’d have given up on him a while ago tbh. I’m not good at forgive and forget when I’ve been badly hurt.

Up to you to consider whether or not you can trust him.

therocinante · 28/08/2021 22:52

This is the problem with broken trust and cheating - it's much harder to prove a negative.

Would 3, 5, 7 years without cheating suddenly ease your fears? Maybe it'd lessen, but you might always be thinking "he hasn't done it again... yet". And because cheats are liars, there's also the niggling fear that he's just got better at hiding it. The only way to ever fully know whether he'd do it again or not is if he does - you'll never get proof of him not doing because you can't get proof something that's not happened, and he's proven already he is fine with lying to you so you'll never know either way.

Realistically, if someone did something that crossed the cheating boundary ONCE, was devastated, worked to improve trust, and was incredibly open and honest ever since, rebuilding trust would be easier/possible at all.

But your husband didn't do it once and earnestly work to earn your trust from then on - he continued to do things that broke your trust or was cheating, more times.

So we can conclude that he isn't bothered enough about the emotional turmoil the first time to stop doing it again.

Frankly, that'd be it for me. You're never going to trust him because when your trust in him was lowest and he should have been trying to earn it back over a long time, he kept fucking you over more.

This isn't you mistrusting a good man after one mistake. It's your entire body telling you loud and clear, you cannot this man.

And why would you be stay in a marriage where you will never fully trust him? Where every work night out, every night with the lads, every phone battery dying, every time he comes home late from work, there's going to be a little (or very loud) voice in your head wondering if this is the time he does it again.

Woodmarsh · 28/08/2021 23:00

@therocinante so very poignant

YukoandHiro · 28/08/2021 23:04

If you don't have kids, leave

If you do, go to therapy together

Merryoldgoat · 28/08/2021 23:27

I don’t really understand why you married someone who cheated on you.

Of course YANBU to not trust him.

tegannotsovegan · 29/08/2021 02:13

@Merryoldgoat

Personally when I was married to my ex husband, I married him because I thought it would stop him from cheating and make our relationship more secure. I also felt trapped by him (very emotionally abusive and manipulative) so felt I had no choice.

Unfortunately we don’t know why OP chose to marry him, but I bet it’s because she felt she had to.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 02:43

@YukoandHiro

If you don't have kids, leave

If you do, go to therapy together

Fuck therapy. Therapy won't fix a liar and a cheat. That's who he is, haven't you learned this already?

Get rid and have a happy future.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/08/2021 03:06

I presume you're with him because you're afraid to be alone and so will put up with it forever and then discuss it on here.
That's no life.
Good luck to you.

Original poster
ChancesAre1 · 29/08/2021 07:39

I went downstairs just now, no living room rug, he puked on it when he got it and chucked it in the garden.

We have two children.

I knew even as I was marrying him that it was a massive mistake. I knew I shouldn't but for whatever reason felt like I couldn't stop the wedding or relationship. There's always been something in the 'near furniture' I could leave because of.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChancesAre1 · 29/08/2021 07:39

Got in* (about midnight I think)

OP posts:
Elieza · 29/08/2021 09:08

That would be enough if a reason for me to leave him tbh.

Is there anything coming up ‘in the near future’ now that would prevent you leaving?

It’s easy to make excuses to yourself as to why you should stay. He doesn’t sound like a keeper though.

Time to get your ducks in a row and leave. You deserve better.

WTF475878237NC · 29/08/2021 09:13

Hi OP

You were kind enough to give him another chance as you had just got married. I think the problem is he's generally a selfish sleaze and doesn't respect you enough to walk the line. It's time to leave him now. I'm really sorry life has dealt you this hand but you can change things.

GreenClock · 29/08/2021 09:17

It’s a binary choice OP. You either end the marriage, or accept him as he is and learn to live with it as a PP’s friend has done.

There are no other solutions, really.

All the best, whatever you decide.

M0rT · 29/08/2021 09:17

If you can manage practically and financially I would leave soon.
Otherwise before you know it will be Christmas, and can't break up then for the DC etc.
There will always be a reason to put off doing something scary and some of them will be good reasons.
Good luck and take care Flowers

LittleBiscuit09 · 29/08/2021 09:20

Do you know who he was out with?

I'd be angry he didn't text and let you know he'd be late. He could have texted!

As for cheating. He won't admit it. But go with your gut

LizzieBet14 · 29/08/2021 09:22

Sounds awful & you deserve better than him. He clearly thinks he's can do what he wants and his family will still be at home waiting for him.

SortCode · 29/08/2021 09:24

OP, tell him today you need to talk.

Tell him how last night made you feel.

Be honest, tell him yoi WILL NOT be made to feel insecure or wortued etc. All he had to do is call, text saying he would be home late

Tell him if it continues you WILL look at ending your marriage

Give HIM the insecurity now

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 29/08/2021 09:27

You and your children deserve better!

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