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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on SIL

30 replies

cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 12:30

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible, DSIL who I highly suspect has undiagnosed ASD lives in another country and doesn't have any friends, she's never married or had any children. I normally will speak to her once a week not because I want to but because I feel I have to due to the fact that she lives quite a lonely life. The problem is all she talks about is herself and moaning, you can hardly get a word in and it feels like a one way conversation. She also can be selfish, when PIL's were alive and she'd come over to visit she wanted the carers who saw to my PIL's to cook her meals as well, moaning how early the carers were coming and once tried to get the postman to come inside and cut a chicken for her because she couldn't due to her arthritis. All of DH's sibling have given up on her and avoid speaking to her much as they can, leaving me the only one from the family who keeps in touch with her. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 12:47

I should add that I've started liming our chats to half an hour because before it could be over an hour chat of her just talking about herself.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 28/08/2021 12:49

Do you like her and/or actually want to speak to her?
If not and it’s purely a duty then why is it your duty rather than her brothers?

Original poster
cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 12:52

I don't particularly like her but I speak to her because she has no one else to speak to really, I've spoken to DH about why don't you try to occasionally speak to her but he says all she talks about is herself and a load of rubbish.

OP posts:
Ourlady · 28/08/2021 12:55

You are very kind and caring to continue to ring her weekly. Great you have managed to cut it down to half and hour.
How about popping some earphones in during her call, crack on with something else and just let her monologue away.

phishy · 28/08/2021 12:57

YANBU, sounds exhausting.I would find this mentally draining. I would gradually stop the calls.

Have you ever tried just being more brusque and chasing the subject to what you want to talk about?

Carboncheque · 28/08/2021 13:05

Do you dread the call? Is it causing you stress? You definitely don’t owe it to anyone to keep up the calls. Do you think it’s of benefit to her? To your ILs, as they know she’s ok without having to talk to her?

If it were me, I’d accept that it’s a 30 minute listening session not a conversation. I’d sit and soak my feet or put a hair mask on, set a 30 minute timer and play games on my tablet while I listened to her. I can say that because she’s a stranger to me, I’m totally emotionally detached from the situation and I have enough time to myself not to resent the half hour lost to the call. Dealing with family can bring up so much emotional baggage, memories and old hurts. If you’re dreading the call beforehand and you spend the rest of the day angry and upset it’s costing you much more than 30 minutes.

SpindleWhorl · 28/08/2021 13:05

I had a relative I used to put on speaker phone while I cooked the DC's tea.

But this sounds draining on you, and no it shouldn't be your problem. That's unfair.

What do you want your DH to do, ideally?

Hoppinggreen · 28/08/2021 13:07

@cinaminvanilla

I don't particularly like her but I speak to her because she has no one else to speak to really, I've spoken to DH about why don't you try to occasionally speak to her but he says all she talks about is herself and a load of rubbish.
She’s not your responsibility. Either you do it, in which case that’s your choice so no point in complaining or stop if you can handle any guilt you might feel
Hoppinggreen · 28/08/2021 13:08

How many men would listen to their wives boring relative when they won’t even do it themselves?

Original poster
cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 13:08

My in laws have sadly passed which makes me feel guilty if I stopped taking her calls as she hasn't got her parents to talk to.

OP posts:
so750 · 28/08/2021 13:09

I think you should share the call with DH. I wouldn't give up on her - she would have no-one.

readingismycardio · 28/08/2021 13:10

Once in a blue moon I have to speak to MIL on the phone. I put her on speaker or airpods so my hands are free, and I cook/clean/organise/whatever.

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 13:11

Either do it and don’t moan about it, or don’t do it-this is entirely your choice

Original poster
cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 13:13

I remember a couple years ago she was thinking of moving back home and she said to me it would be nice if I could look for properties for her to possibly move to.

OP posts:
Mydogisagentleman · 28/08/2021 13:15

I refused to speak to my SIL and hope never to see her again.
She is a self obsessed, lazy, dirty whiner who is dull.
DH hasn’t seen her fork a couple of years, and probably won’t see her until their stepmothers funeral.
She adds no value to our lives and lives 4 hours away.
We are happy with our decision

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 13:16

I'd imagine she only talks about herself or moans because she hasn't got much else going on in her life. It's hard to live an isolated life, I'm sure.

What happens if you change the subject to you or DC's?

Carboncheque · 28/08/2021 13:17

Sorry, I meant you DH’s siblings. It sounds like you’re picking up the slack for your DH and at least a couple of others.

PallasStrand · 28/08/2021 13:17

I agree with @Hoppinggreen — you are choosing to do this of your own free will, presumably. I wouldn’t, or if I did, it would probably involve pointing out her selfishness and unreasonable expectations of others, and signposting alternative sources of support. DH’s unpleasant family members are not my concern.

Dontbeme · 28/08/2021 13:22

OP if you want to give this one more try (although lord knows you shouldn't have to) would she agree to a virtual book or film club between you? You take turns picking a book you both read or film to watch and then "discuss" on an agreed call once every few weeks that suits you. At least then you have something to talk about on these calls and it might help her feel less isolated, but really this should be up to DH to maintain his family relationships.

LaMadrilena · 28/08/2021 13:33

It's so sad that she's lonely and doesn't have anyone else. Thanks op for looking out for her. Is there no way you could gently broach the subject with her? Along the lines of "you've told be all about your week DSIL, would like me to tell you about our holiday/DCs/etc"? Maybe she'll get the message eventually? Although as some PPs have said it's easy to make suggestions when it's not your problem.

It would be awful if her last listening ear gave up on her.

SpindleWhorl · 28/08/2021 13:38

@Dontbeme

OP if you want to give this one more try (although lord knows you shouldn't have to) would she agree to a virtual book or film club between you? You take turns picking a book you both read or film to watch and then "discuss" on an agreed call once every few weeks that suits you. At least then you have something to talk about on these calls and it might help her feel less isolated, but really this should be up to DH to maintain his family relationships.
This is a good idea.

My father and I would post each other newspaper cuttings (back in the day!) and talk about them - he was very witty - otherwise we'd just end up banging on about his bloody diabetes and my sodding arthritis.

Is you SIL online? Does she have email?

Original poster
cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 13:51

Also the thing is she lies, she once had a chat with DS who wouldn't have known and was telling him how she used to have this prestigious and important job, when DS told us about what she said DH said she was lying as most of her life she's been on benefits or had cash in hand jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
cinaminvanilla · 28/08/2021 14:00

She once came over to visit MIL when she was in a care home and was taking the sweets that were for the residents to have and putting them in her handbag so she's done things in the past which makes me not particularly like her.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 28/08/2021 14:10

You don’t need to justify your self to us OP.
Some people are on their own for a reason, they are just not very nice

Cameleongirl · 28/08/2021 14:21

You’re being very kind keeping in touch with her, but I think your DH should be on these calls as well. Could you put her on speaker and make it a three-way conversation? It would take the pressure off you and perhaps expand the conversation.

My DH does weekly Zoom calls with his family and tbh, it would be boring with just two people as he doesn’t have much in common with his sisters-although he’s close to his brother. A group chat is easier for everyone and I think your DH could be kind to his lonely sister for 30 minutes a week. No, she’s not great company, but If she has ASD and is socially isolated, it would be a nice thing to do.

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