Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet his daughter?

41 replies

Cinamon · 28/08/2021 12:28

I've been seeing my partener for 8 months. He stays in mine two/three nights a week as he works in my area those days so I see him after work usually around 6pm onwards. I have a young DS 1.5yrs who he's been involved with purely because I've had no childcare and he's very young to understand. They both get on well. He has a DD who spends the other half of the week with him when he returns home. I've never met her but he has put her on facetime a few times to me to 'break the ice' I also pick up the odd little bits for her if I'm out and see something she may like. He always tells me she's always asking when can she meet u, how am I etc. I've always responded with well let's organise something that would be nice. However nothing becomes of it. I feel like recently our relationship is stuck in a little bit of limbo. I'd like to spend more time together all of us but that would involve me meeting his daughter which I am more than happy and looking forward to doing. He works Mon to Fri so it would be ideal we could go out the odd Saturday it would give us time to see each other as he's always tired after work so we never really go out or do much and also it would be nice to get to know his DD. Aibu to feel a bit unsure as to why this hasn't happened. Again today he said today would have been great to meet up with the kids so I replied with yea we should plan something maybe next week. Then I get a reply with the kids aren't an obstacle for us seeing each other we've just not included them properly yet. I'm sorry but there is no 'we' in this situation it's him. I get it she's 8 it's his choice he's telling me these things implying she's ready asking when we can meet and play etc but is it him that is putting up barriers? Not sure what to do here

OP posts:
viques · 28/08/2021 12:45

Too soon. Why do you think an 8 year old would want to meet up and play with an unknown toddler and their mother? Her contact time should be with her father and that should be his priority too.

I assume since his work expects him to work away from home for two or three days at a time that they offer him monetary recompense to pay for food and lodging. Does he pass this on to you? If not, why not?

Original poster
Cinamon · 28/08/2021 12:51

I can only go of what he tells me that she routinely asks and wants to see pictures of my son etc even my pets. I don't have an 8year old so I cant really comment ik she has lots of friends for sleepovers etc and I wouldn't introduce my son to her right away that's too much.
If it is her that is not ready or wanting to I fully understand and respect that but I think it's because he tells me otherwise I feel like is it him that's not ready? Also 8 months in my opinion is quite a while she's met her mothers new bf after two weeks which I don't think was right so I accept that may be part of the reason why he is being cautious. He doesn't get extra pay etc as it's only 1.5hrs away from his house but about 10 mins from mine so saves him the travelling. Nor do I ask him for lodgings or contributions he's always helping around the house bringing back food and toys etc fiddly bits so he does his fair share

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 28/08/2021 12:55

I think 8 months is pretty soon unless unavoidable

spotcheck · 28/08/2021 12:55

It's ok if he is the one who isn't ready
It's his job to provide stability for his his child. If things are not stable at his ex's, then he dies, unfortunately have to be ultra careful.

Just...let it be for awhile

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2021 13:17

Too soon so he’s right to be cautious. You may be happy for your child to meet your dates but he’s not wrong to want to keep his dating life separate.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 28/08/2021 13:19

8 months is VEERY soon.

Put the brakes on. Cut back on the treats etc and maybe consider meeting up over the Christmas hols when it’s at a year mark.

Sirzy · 28/08/2021 13:25

Sounds like he is doing it sensibly and gradually getting her used to the idea of you before working up to meeting.

PallasStrand · 28/08/2021 13:30

I think he’s right — much too soon. I would also in your shoes be considering how your DS will feel as he gets a little older if someone he’s become attached to suddenly disappears from his life when he’s used to seeing him in his house, staying over several nights a week.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 13:35

There's a very real possibility that you're the other woman.

I hope I'm wrong!

bluebeck · 28/08/2021 13:35

I am a bit alarmed that he gets to stay at yours when it's convenient for work.

What would happen if you said he couldn't stay over?

Sorry OP but it all sounds a bit too convenient and like he isn't introducing you to DD because he isn't as committed as you are.

TheChip · 28/08/2021 13:39

Could it be that your house is just in an ideal location for work reasons?

I cant see an 8 year old asking about his dads gf as much as he states.

WTF475878237NC · 28/08/2021 13:40

Even if she wants to meet you that doesn't mean it's a good idea or she understands the impact it will have on her if you get close then split from her dad. It's too soon.

Cabbagewhites · 28/08/2021 13:42

Knowing who each other are at a distance, and getting to know and like each other slowly through facetime and little gifts is a good idea, I think. Meeting in person is more personal and actually means developing a proper relationship. 8 months is a bit soon for this. I think he’s being wise.

Tlollj · 28/08/2021 13:43

Perhaps it’s her mum putting the brakes on. Even if she did meet her bf within 2 weeks.
Just bide your time bearing in mind that you may just be convenient for work.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 28/08/2021 13:44

Well definitely each to their own...I personally waited 6 months to introduce my DP to DD. By this point I felt comfortable that things were going really well, i knew him before from work so maybe this helped me feel comfortable. It was then casual meet ups like the park, beach with his nephew of a similar age etc. Long story short, that worked for us including DD and now we live together, have baby on the way and DP and DD are best friends.

You've been sensible to not rush anything but maybe have a proper chat to give him the chance to explain his point of view. It might be he's really happy his daughter wants to meet you but has a few more months in mind- its very exciting but can also be a bit of a worry, so maybe he just needs to keep you in the loop and have a bit more time.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 13:46

He's told his daughter about you so it's not like you're a secret. Don't rush him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 13:50

It’s fine if he’s not ready but then he needs to stop mentioning it! He shouldn’t be accepting gifts for her either or encouraging contact on FaceTime. It’s weird he’s giving you such mixed messages. To you and to her. What’s his motivation for doing this?

Tell him clearly you respect him not being ready but you don’t want him to bring it up again until he means to follow through. Dial back your involvement with her.

I don’t agree 8 months is far too soon. It’s not. What if you keep getting more serious, he’s basically moved in already without much serious discussion, and when you meet her you think she’s very annoying or he’s an awful parent? There are pros and cons to involving the DC sooner or later but it’s a big mistake to get in too deep and run the risk of realising a big part of who he is grates on you. Don’t assume because you’re close to him you’ll automatically take to her.

WhoKnewYou · 28/08/2021 13:51

I think it is odd after 8 months you haven't met. She clearly knows about you and I do think 8 months is approaching a fair amount of time. The only thing I would say is how serious are you both about each other? I genuinely think you know by now whether this is going somewhere or not but obviously only you can answer this one.

Out of curiosity what is the ideal length of time to introduce children to partners?

Also if OP and her bf wanted to go on holiday (completely reasonable for 8 months) and they didn't invite his daughter because it's too soon to meet how would this work in terms of excluding the daughter? Should no holiday take place until after a certain length of time too?

I'm not trying to start an argument and genuinely interested.

ZenNudist · 28/08/2021 13:52

Too soon. Also a shame you've started sending treats . I'd cut down on those.

Ease off until its been a year and then don't rush to play happy families. I'd also be really careful with such a new partner around your ds. It's very damaging for dc to get new parental figures that leave and are replaced by new ones. Like you say you've got less choice because you don't have childcare. Could you get a babysitter and date normally rather than have this live in arrangement going on?

If the girls dm is being irresponsible and introducing new BF after 2 weeks that doesn't make it right for her dad to introduce you. I think the Facetime calls were a mistake too, but his heart was in the right place.

CheesusWept · 28/08/2021 13:56

Are you sure he's single? Have you ever been to his house?

AlmostSummer21 · 28/08/2021 13:56

Does his DD know you're his GF? Are you on his SM as his GF? Otherwise I'd be concerned he's told her & her mum that he's lodging with you because of the travelling distance from work & you're actually the OW!!

DontBeAHaterDear · 28/08/2021 14:00

You’re not unreasonable to want to meet his daughter but you are if you force this to happen, no good will come of being pushy. He’s her parent, not you so he gets to decide what’s best regarding meeting his (still new) girlfriend.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2021 14:00

@HurryUpAndWait23

There's a very real possibility that you're the other woman.

I hope I'm wrong!

There are things that point to this, but the fact that the op has FaceTimed his daughter suggests that she's not.
Aprilx · 28/08/2021 14:01

Do you only see him the days / nights he stays with you? Have you ever spent a weekend together? If the answers are yes and no, then I would also be wondering what kind of relationship this is.

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2021 14:01

It sounds like he’s bullshitting you. You should have been more cautious about letting him practically move in with you and having so much contact with your son.

He stays at yours out of convenience and had no problem with you letting him into your child’s life.

He’s comments about his DD are designed to keep you on the hook and aren’t rooted in reality.

Swipe left for the next trending thread