To want to meet his daughter?

[Cinamon]

I've been seeing my partener for 8 months. He stays in mine two/three nights a week as he works in my area those days so I see him after work usually around 6pm onwards. I have a young DS 1.5yrs who he's been involved with purely because I've had no childcare and he's very young to understand. They both get on well. He has a DD who spends the other half of the week with him when he returns home. I've never met her but he has put her on facetime a few times to me to 'break the ice' I also pick up the odd little bits for her if I'm out and see something she may like. He always tells me she's always asking when can she meet u, how am I etc. I've always responded with well let's organise something that would be nice. However nothing becomes of it. I feel like recently our relationship is stuck in a little bit of limbo. I'd like to spend more time together all of us but that would involve me meeting his daughter which I am more than happy and looking forward to doing. He works Mon to Fri so it would be ideal we could go out the odd Saturday it would give us time to see each other as he's always tired after work so we never really go out or do much and also it would be nice to get to know his DD. Aibu to feel a bit unsure as to why this hasn't happened. Again today he said today would have been great to meet up with the kids so I replied with yea we should plan something maybe next week. Then I get a reply with the kids aren't an obstacle for us seeing each other we've just not included them properly yet. I'm sorry but there is no 'we' in this situation it's him. I get it she's 8 it's his choice he's telling me these things implying she's ready asking when we can meet and play etc but is it him that is putting up barriers? Not sure what to do here

It sounds like you're an Air BnB with benefits.

8 months is far too early for playing happy families, he's doing what you should have done and keeping his kid away from his dating life.

Tread carefully OP, he could be future faking you. Remember you only have his word about his ex introducing BF etc.

Have you been to his house? if you haven't then alarm bells should be ringing.

@bluebeck I have questioned this trust me but I don't believe I'm a convenience. Don't get me wrong it would be lovely to be able to spend a full day together one weekend but he would stil just drive to work from his and even offer to just pop in for a few hours if I didn't want him to stay.
@DancingintheSpoonlight that's what I want just even half an hour somewhere to get a vibe and introduce things slowly like even once a month idk whatever feels right and comfortable for all of us. I do wish I knew when for him it's classed as 'acceptable to meet' .

Much too soon to meet up, best to wait a few more months,and see how things go. No one is going to be harmed, by taking ones time over something like this.

Op have you ever seen been to his place before?
If not Ide be doing a secret reccy he might be married

So you've never spent a weekend together in 8 months?

Does he have his DD every weekend? Does he work weekends?

What was the context of the facetime calls? As that seems to be the only contact you've had with her directly? (Him telling you she "can't wait to meet you" isn't the same as her actually being desperate to meet you!!)

Have you 100% been introduced to her, on video calls, as his GF?

@AnneLovesGilbert this is my thought exactly its the mixed messages that confuse me. Is he questioning our relationship, if he's not ready that's fine but stop bringing it up I agree.
To those who think I may be the other woman.. Definitely not I've met his family. Very lovely ppl. I've even seen the divorce documents. There r no pictures of us on his social media or relationship status and I've never met his friends. I don't have social media so I couldn't put any up anyway. Maybe I can post on mumsnet . I feel like the only reason we can't intwine our lives a bit more is because this hasn't happened. So I can't travel down when they are having bbqs or parties etc as she is there and this hurts me a bit tbh. He's always saying he wants me fully involved in his life but I have to admit I've been calling myself the Mon-wed girl sometimes. Maybe those are right who say I should stop him coming when my son is here (pretty much all the time) because I feel like I've had to step out of my comfort zone and trust him with him and I wish he would give a little back otherwise we can't progress. Ik 8 months seems soon but I see how great a guy he is. He is genuinely so caring and loving with a huge heart he just gets things wrong sometimes and things r going really well as far as I'm aware hes telling me he wants me in his future etc he loves me and would like me to move closer to him.

Is he having dinners hot showers 3 days a week op?
If so does he contribute towards the house keeping for it

There is no way I would be introducing kids to your new relationship so soon. It's surprising how many people think this is okay. This can be devastating and life changing to a child if a relationship deals up,no matter how short. Please respect his wishes,he sounds like a good dad. I wouldn't even consider meeting children untill the relationship has survived past a good 18 -24 months, do not meet this child unless you and partner are positive that you want to be in each other's life's forever!!

@Cinamon it's hard isn't it, as there's no set rule and everyone has their own opinions! DD's DF and I discussed this early after breaking up of what we were both happy with as a minimum but I think every new couple I different.
Like I say, I'd say to speak to your DP and voice what you've said here. It doesn't have to be pushy or an ultimatum but you're entitled to asking his views to get a better idea of where his head is at.

I disagree that 8 months is too soon, in fact I think that people should introduce their children, even if it’s casually, much sooner than that.

To many relationships are becoming established by then, and if you wait until the relationship is established you are changing the dynamic completely if you then bring children into the mix after too long.

My DS ended up being introduced to my DP much sooner than I had wanted because my eXH gave me an ultimatum, either I tell him about DP, or he would, so I had no choice. And they got on and still get on years later.

The thing is, the very fact that people are separated from the parents of these children is a clear indication that just because a relationship is established doesn’t mean it’s going to last. So length isn’t necessarily an indicator.

I agree with PP though, if he doesn’t want you to meet her then he shouldn’t be putting you on FaceTime or accepting treats for her. And tbh if you haven’t met her then I wouldn’t be buying her treats just yet as she doesn’t know you.

But the fact you’ve never spent a weekend together in 8 months rings alarm bells in terms of the seriousness of the relationship, and that might be why he hasn’t introduced you to her, because he doesn’t see you as permanent.

I do wonder about this though, I’ve seen the divorce papers. why? Why would anyone show their girlfriend their divorce papers? That to me is utterly bizarre.

I was struck early on in your OP by this -

"He stays in mine two/three nights a week as he works in my area those days"

To be brutally blunt - are you sure you're his partner and not his convenience?

@AlbertBridge

It sounds like you're an Air BnB with benefits.

Yup. He's more into the convenience than the relationship.

He's unreasonable with the mixed signals. If he's not ready (which is fine), he shouldn't be encouraging the FT , giving her gifts from you or telling you how keen she is to meet.

I think I'd pull back at this point. Leaving the daughter aside, you want to go all in on this relationship, but he doesn't. Why, then, does he keep telling you his DD wants to meet you? What's the point of that when he's vlearly not going to make it happen? He sounds to me like those men who keep their partners in line by dangling the carrot of a potential proposal, only the carrot in this instance is a meeting with his daughter.

Know your worth. Distance yourself. Stop being his convenient B & B for half the week. His reaction to this will likely tell you what you need to know.