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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that this was said to my dd when she was distressed

41 replies

Whocareswherewego76 · 28/08/2021 12:01

Me and my dd where talking about poor care within mental health services. Dd told me at her last mental health act assessment the psychiatrist firstly accused her of recording by “saying you’re not allowed to record” surely she should have asked her if she was recording before accusing her. Then after dd was sectioned and was upset about her she said to her “it’s your fault it’s your own actions” of course we are responsible for our own actions but mental illnesses do impact on that. Just to say most people who work in mental health services are great and dd’s community team are good.

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 28/08/2021 14:05

Was she recording?

Geordieinscotlanddd · 28/08/2021 14:06

Second comment in particular is truly awful - sorry OP

Angryfrommanchester1 · 28/08/2021 14:08

It’s hard to comment really, I don’t like the sound of the second remark, but we don’t know the context it’s obviously a very distressing circumstance for you all Flowers

CorrBlimeyGG · 28/08/2021 14:08

Does your daughter have a diagnosis of BPD or CPTSD? There is stigma across mental illness, but women with the above diagnoses seem to be particularly stigmatised against, including by those who are supposed to be caring for them.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 28/08/2021 14:10

Surely the first statement was a simple statement of fact. Maybe 'you are not allowed to record our sessions' is something she always says. Maybe it looked as if your daughter was recording - surreptitiously fiddling with phone for example. It doesn't sound like an accusation to me.

CorrBlimeyGG · 28/08/2021 14:13

Telling anyone under section (so being detained against their will) that it's their fault, is effectively equating them to a criminal. Whatever the circumstances, it's highly inappropriate.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 14:16

Op of course the second would be inappropriate but as she’s very unwell and being sectioned are you sure that’s what was said and not what she heard? I don’t see the first as an accusation as such. Much would depend on context.

bookish83 · 28/08/2021 14:16

It is probably hard to know without being there. When someone is upset it can impact on how things are taken, understood etc.

yupyupyup · 28/08/2021 14:25

As per PPs on the first statement - just a statement of fact, explaining the rules.

We are indeed all responsible for our own actions. The context has been left out here, so we don't know what it is your DD did that was 'her fault'. However, you will be doing her no favours by trying to excuse her behaviour. Let the professionals do their jobs and try to support your DD without getting worked up over comments like this, which you might be taking out of context or you might be hearing second hand.

AutistGoth · 28/08/2021 14:27

In my (very limited) experience, psychiatrists can come across as a bit accusatory, nasty and uncaring. Admittedly, I've only ever seen a handful. The first one was atrocious. He had me down as a spoiled, lying, attention seeking child. I was 17 at the time and suffering from depression. He completely missed that I had autism (or Asperger Syndrome, as it would have been known back then). One of his comments to me was "I don't see any evidence that there's anything really wrong with you." This to a seventeen year old girl who was opening her own veins with razor blades. To be fair, several others in the mental health team agreed that he had come across as very dismissive of me.

Sadly, your DD's experience is far from unique. Psychiatrists really don't have what you might call a "bedside manner" with mentally unwell patients. Especially not with women.

The "it's your own fault" comment is borderline abusive, in my opinion. You wouldn't tolerate that from a relative or si-called 'friend.' If you can complain about it on your DD's behalf, then please do. I am glad at least that your DD has a supportive community team and a DMum who has her back. The latter makes all the difference. Flowers

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/08/2021 14:30

As others have said. The first comment was not about DD specifically, it was just the usual statement of the rules of the session.

The second I would also be careful of. It sounds really bad but could also be something that was not as specific as DD heard it.

Can you talk to the person who that was? Ask them what they did say/ meant as DD has heard X and you want to help her regain her trust again, so she is ready to hear Y.

You are going to have to get bloody good at walking that tightrope, OP 💐

Original poster
Whocareswherewego76 · 28/08/2021 14:32

Dd isn’t one to say people have said thing if they haven’t. For context she’s been seeing services on and off since she was a young child. This is the first time I feel something said was very wrong. The comment was about ds’s suicide attempt which was why she was sectioned.

OP posts:
AtticusHoysAnus · 28/08/2021 14:37

It's a bizarre comment from an apparent professional?

Courts of law deem people aren't responsible for their actions frequently due to mental health.

She sounds like a complete dipstick.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 28/08/2021 14:52

Allowing for the fact your DD was already distressed and is probably both paraphrasing and misremembering, I think the first was a statement of fact.

As for the second, it sounds harsh but having recently had a relative who was in contact with emergency mh services around suicide, then similar was said. It wasn't about blame. It was about taking responsibility. And it was about ensuring other family members didn't feel responsible for other's actions. If this was similar, then it could have been appropriate too.

RacistAngst · 28/08/2021 15:15

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

Allowing for the fact your DD was already distressed and is probably both paraphrasing and misremembering, I think the first was a statement of fact.

As for the second, it sounds harsh but having recently had a relative who was in contact with emergency mh services around suicide, then similar was said. It wasn't about blame. It was about taking responsibility. And it was about ensuring other family members didn't feel responsible for other's actions. If this was similar, then it could have been appropriate too.

I think telling someone it’s their responsibility and they get to decide if their actions is ok.

Saying it’s their FAULT implies judgement and that she did something wrong. That isn’t ok imo.
(That’s also why families are told it’s not their fault. As in they didn’t do anything wrong btw)

Wolfiefan · 28/08/2021 15:20

Were you there to hear these comments? The first is fair enough. She shouldn’t be recording if that’s not allowed. The second? Were they the actual words or did she take it as being her “fault” when the psych explained the section was because of her suicide attempt?

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 15:26

What was the context op. It really seems highly unlikely someone sectioning a suicidal person would say it’s yout own fault for your actions. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wholly possible, but if she was in a state of extreme distress, could it be she heard that and it wasn’t what was said? Sometimes when we are deeply distressed we translate things in our head.

GullyGull · 28/08/2021 15:30

Anger is a much easier emotion to process than fear. The situation must be very scary for you OP but don't get sucked down a rabbit hole of looking for bad guys. Focus on the treatment and long term recovery. With all due respect you weren't in the room so can't say for sure what was said. You may be backing up a misunderstanding that will only serve to wind your DD up even more. Help her to get past it and focus on treatment.

RacistAngst · 28/08/2021 15:59

@Bluntness100

What was the context op. It really seems highly unlikely someone sectioning a suicidal person would say it’s yout own fault for your actions. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wholly possible, but if she was in a state of extreme distress, could it be she heard that and it wasn’t what was said? Sometimes when we are deeply distressed we translate things in our head.
Sorry but I had to smile/bitterly laugh at that.

Unfortunately MH professionals are well known to be quite brutal in their comments. A comment like this wouldn’t be surprising at all.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 16:11

Ah that’s a shame 😞

Original poster
Whocareswherewego76 · 28/08/2021 17:52

My daughter was complaining about being sectioned and saying she didn’t want to go to the ward. The ward is awful for reference and I did try to get them to not send her there. The psychiatrist said that in response to that. My dd wasn’t recording her she moved her arm and then the psychiatrist took a tone with her.

OP posts:
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 28/08/2021 18:27

I agree fault implies blame but I think people can hear 'fault' and 'blame' when that isn't said. I could easily see my relative paraphrasing like that even though the comments were about responsibility.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 28/08/2021 18:33

It's also a lie. She's allowed to record, unless there are other patients around whose privacy would be compromised. There are limits to what you might be able to do with the recording if you haven't obtained the professionals' consent, tho.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 28/08/2021 18:40

The psychiatrist is allowed to say they don't want to be recorded. Because, at a very basic level, if they give permission for recordings, the recordings can be used against them.

GullyGull · 28/08/2021 18:58

clumping she is not allowed to record without the other person's permission. Its a breach of privacy to record without permission. The psychiatrist was being very clear they did not give permission which is their right to do so. If the daughter was not recording then its a moot point but if she was the psychiatrist was well within their rights to stop the consultation.