Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We never go on dates anymore

37 replies

Roselow43 · 28/08/2021 11:26

Dp was never the best for dates before dc came along. But now we have a dc we have been on ONE date since he was born. He is nearly a year old. There is always a reason (excuse) too tired, busy day ect ect.

We barely speak anymore. We are in bed by 9 and up by 7. Everything is based around dc but not us. I understand babies are demanding but there is defiently time that could be made.

It's got to the point where I bought us an indoor activity so there was no expectation there to go out and i asked dp if we could just take an hour of his day so we could do it. He kept saying yes but never actually did. I dont know why I bothered. According to him he does want to do it but stuff gets in the way.

Dp was quick to tell me he felt like we were "friends" because our lack of sex but what about this. I feel so disconnected to him, like we are co parents and nothing more.

Aibu is this just what having a baby is?

Or is he excuse making?

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 28/08/2021 11:29

But you're not dating?!

Original poster
Roselow43 · 28/08/2021 11:30

@tobedtoMNandfart people in relationships should go on dates still..... especially with a baby. It's the only way you keep the quality time and romance alive. Because there is no time for that at home

OP posts:
ComeonJulia · 28/08/2021 11:30

Why aren’t you spending time together once baby goes to bed? Our eldest son is 4 and has never stayed over night, you can make time for each other without going out every week.
Sounds like he is making excuses.

tobedtoMNandfart · 28/08/2021 11:30

What's the indoor activity? I can get sex swing out of my head 🤣

Original poster
Roselow43 · 28/08/2021 11:31

To clarify when I say dates I mean just out for dinner. To the pub for a drink. Mundane activities that normal couples do

OP posts:
ComeonJulia · 28/08/2021 11:31

YABU. Going out on dates is not the only way to keep a relationship going. Not a good relationship, anyway.
If you only have 1 child, why do you not have quality time or romance?

Original poster
Roselow43 · 28/08/2021 11:31

@ComeonJulia he says he is too tired and then goes to bed

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 28/08/2021 11:32

Because there is no time for that at home

Of course there is Confused

tobedtoMNandfart · 28/08/2021 11:33

Sorry I'm being a bit trite. YANBU to want quality time alone with your DP ... but you are also right. A baby does change things, and makes it harder to prioritise.
Your lifestyle sounds entirely normal for parents of a young baby.

ComeonJulia · 28/08/2021 11:33

@Roselow43 then he is making excuses, sorry OP. It’s shit but he could definitely be making time for it.
We have 3 DC, one is disabled and we have 2-3 hours together every night after they’re in bed. Takeaways often, watch a film, play a board game etc
There’s lots of time, he just isn’t willing to make it a priority.

Original poster
Roselow43 · 28/08/2021 11:33

Our days revolves around dc. We stay at home and look after him. Then dp calls it quits around 9 and the days repeat. I'm only in my early twenties. I see couples my age holding hands, going on dates, having movie nights. I dont think that should have to be non existent just because I have a child

OP posts:
Original poster
Roselow43 · 28/08/2021 11:36

@LagunaBubbles maybe I have a different concept of a romance but sitting on the sofa all day on our phones in the middle of looking after a baby is NOT romantic to me. Yes we hug here and there but that is it. We put dc to bed, eat dinner mindlessly and dp usually falls asleep on the sofa straight afterwards. He will then proceed to complain he is too tired to stay up. I try to talk to him with his eyes half shut. He goes to bed and that is that. Then it happens all over again

OP posts:
ComeonJulia · 28/08/2021 11:38

Why are you both sitting on the sofa all day on your phones, you can have days out with your baby, go out for lunch, walks, the beach etc
It sounds dull.

NautaOcts · 28/08/2021 11:40

Totally agree you need to invest time in the relationship and the connection but I genuinely don’t think ‘going on dates’ is a standard thing that most couples with kids do, as your post seems to imply.

NautaOcts · 28/08/2021 11:41

And it sounds a bit sad if you’re staying in all day with your child, can’t you go on nice days out at the weekend with child too? you could even hold hands!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2021 11:41

How do you get to both sit on your phones all day? Do neither of you work?
Dating is very different from living together with a child.

Lweji · 28/08/2021 11:41

Can't you (either of) prepare a nice dinner and dress up. Or go for a walk somewhere nice, even if with the baby?
Take time to watch a film together on the couch, without phones?
Of even put some music on and slow dance in the living room?

Whatever you both like.
And, yes, you may need to insist on it.

ashmts · 28/08/2021 11:44

@ComeonJulia

Why are you both sitting on the sofa all day on your phones, you can have days out with your baby, go out for lunch, walks, the beach etc It sounds dull.
Well... duh. But OP's partner won't/can't/doesn't. That's her problem.

OP YANBU and you're getting a hard time. I don't have children and I expect it does change things massively, but it sounds like your main issue is your partner not making an effort or prioritising you. I don't know how to fix it unfortunately, you did say he's never been great at that. How long have you been together?

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2021 11:44

It sounds like he doesn’t want to make any effort

Do you think it’s salvageable?

Fireflygal · 28/08/2021 11:49

It seems like he has checked out.

However if both of you don't work then I imagine life has got really boring. Does neither of you go out with friends or exercise?

Have you asked him why you are not having sex? I would think that's a sign all isn't well, especially if he's still in his 20s.

Maassi · 28/08/2021 11:50

Babies are portable?

Go out for the day. Take walks, visit the beach. Take baby to meet other friends and family of yours.

LagunaBubbles · 28/08/2021 11:50

maybe I have a different concept of a romance but sitting on the sofa all day on our phones in the middle of looking after a baby is NOT romantic to me

But why ate you sitting g on the sofa on your phones all day, that's strange!

I've been married over 20 years, my youngest is 13 but even when the kids were small we still did things together, takeaways up at the table, watching a film together etc.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/08/2021 11:52

This doesn't seem normal. Even with a small child you should be able to carve out a bit of time for yourselves as a couple.

Anoisagusaris · 28/08/2021 11:53

Who gets to sit on their phones all day? Do you not work?? And you hardly need 10hrs sleep after sitting around all day? None of it sounds healthy. You don’t even need to go on dates, even just watch an episode of something on Netflix when baby goes to bed.

StarfishDish · 28/08/2021 11:56

@Roselow43 We've got a 6 month old and we've got a meal booked out next week for the first time since baby was born. We're looking forward to it and it feels such a treat as we don't do it often!

Cant you make time for each other once baby is in bed?

Swipe left for the next trending thread