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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay for adult dc holiday?

50 replies

portalia · 28/08/2021 09:15

We are planning a family holiday to the Turks and Caicos islands having not been away for three years.

Both dh and I are teachers so earn an Ok salary but are stuck to school holidays. We have two adult dc.

Our son is a doctor, 26, and has paid for his own flight and is happy to pay his own food and accommodation.

Our other son is 23 and is doing a masters at university. He’s paid for his own flight using a voucher he had from a cancelled trip. But he’s asked if we can cover his food and hotel. He’ll share a room with his brother.

I think that’s fair, and actually thing dh and I should pay him back for his flight. He isn’t working so shouldn’t be expected to pay for a family holiday. His own holidays with mates have been to 2* dumps in magaluf Grin

Our youngest is our ‘travel agent’ and is great at sorting hotel deals, flights, restaurant bookings etc. He’s taken over from me.

Dh thinks that he should pay his own way as he’s 23, but I think that we should pay. Aibu?

OP posts:
loafcake · 28/08/2021 09:23

I think it's completely up to you, they may be similar ages but they're in very different stages of life.
If you feel comfortable paying most of your younger sons holiday so he gets to join in then that's your choice as he is still in schooling and not in full time employment.

Subbaxeo · 28/08/2021 09:23

My rule is when they’re students, we pay. Especially somewhere exotic when, if they were not going with family, it wouldn’t be considered as it’s too expensive. We do like to have a nominal contribution towards food etc so they don’t feel like CFs. I don’t think it’s fair to pick somewhere special and expensive then expect them to pay their own way. If that was the only way a family holiday were affordable, then I’d pick something much cheaper so they don’t have to bankrupt themselves.

loafcake · 28/08/2021 09:24

Just to add, It also sounds like he's more than willing to help you out with the planning and take some stress off your hands!

Blueskythinking123 · 28/08/2021 09:29

I'd pay while students and is the rule I follow. Once working I'd expect them to pay their own way.

Holidays with friends, festivals etc they fund themselves by working in the holidays.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/08/2021 09:32

In the circumstances you have described I'd let his contribution be his flight (so I wouldn't reimburse that) and doing the planning/booking that you described. How does your DH expect him to cover all his food and accommodation costs if he's not working? Get into debt? Will he not be able to come if he can't afford it?

Confused102 · 28/08/2021 09:39

I would. Look at the bigger picture. your 26yo is paying his way, so isn't entitled and that's something you and dh have done right. Your younger one is contributing in the way he can by organizing the admin. But the biggest plus is that your 26 and 23 yo still want a family holiday with their parents!! You won't get this in a few years with partners, kids etc. So I would just do it without hesitation.

youdoyoutoday · 28/08/2021 09:41

I would pay for both and tell them I'd like to be taken to a really nice restaurant for dinner that they could both chip in to but that's just me.

GoodnightGrandma · 28/08/2021 09:42

I think it’s ok, but I’d run it out his brother first if it might be a problem.

GoodnightGrandma · 28/08/2021 09:42

*past

IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 09:45

I’d pay for him. What’s the alternative? You’ve chosen a destination that isn’t affordable to him, so he would presumably be excluded from the family holiday otherwise. He’s not a slacker or a freeloader. He’s in full time education and contributing what he can. I’d agree with DH if he was living at home, not bothering to get a job and spending all his time on Call of Duty but that’s not the case.

You either need to choose a family holiday that is affordable to all members of the family, or help the ones who can’t afford to pay for everything.

leavesthataregreen · 28/08/2021 09:47

My rule is, if I want adult DC to come on a family holiday with me, I pay. If they go away on their own, they pay.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/08/2021 09:47

I think you should pay.

User135792468 · 28/08/2021 09:52

Yes, just pay for him! He’s contributed to his flight and is helping with the organising. I imagine this will probably be the last holiday you do the four of you.

DragonLegs · 28/08/2021 09:53

If you can afford it I’d pay for both to be honest. I think most adult children would rather spend that money on something else. I’d be really happy if my adult dc still wanted me o come away with me!

KatieKat88 · 28/08/2021 09:55

It's lovely that they both still want to have a family holiday! I'd pay for him (maybe not the flights as his brother is paying his own way and a voucher has already covered it) or pay fully for both if I could afford it. He sounds like a good egg who would appreciate and be grateful for it.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 28/08/2021 09:55

@DragonLegs

If you can afford it I’d pay for both to be honest. I think most adult children would rather spend that money on something else. I’d be really happy if my adult dc still wanted me o come away with me!
^^ This. I would pay for both if I could. I’m sure the 26 yo has lots of outgoings to cover at the moment.
VienneseWhirligig · 28/08/2021 09:56

I'd pay for him if he couldn't afford it and you can. I do the same for my DS - I enjoy his company and would be sad if he couldn't come because of money.

AngelDelightUk · 28/08/2021 09:58

I would, but I’d feel so guilty then for not paying for the other DS, and it might also cause issues with them. So I think I’d let them pay for flights and then I’d pay for hotel and food

DelurkingAJ · 28/08/2021 09:59

DM and DDad paid until we earned more than they did! It means DM still pays for DSis sometimes (and she and I will split things if we’re all three going). But they could comfortably afford it and now we cover costs if DM comes away with us. It meant we had fab family holidays well into our 20s. Boyfriends were also welcome (villa holidays) but they had to pay their own transport costs.

Cupoftea53 · 28/08/2021 10:00

I am in my 40s and my parents still pay for me and my family for holidays if we all go together! But they are boomers and have way more money than us.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2021 10:01

I’d pay for both too, I hope mine will join us as adults as think it’s lovely.

Trisolaris · 28/08/2021 10:06

My parents tended to pay for family trips away when we were in our 20s knowing we would rather choose a holiday with our friends and couldn’t afford both - if we had to go at a more expensive time due to our unavailability eg august rather than May or we preferred a more expensive place then we paid the extra. I think that was a good balance.

PicaK · 28/08/2021 10:07

Its a fairness thing.

With 3 years between them have you supported them the same way at similar stages?

How much money is younger son making doing his masters? Some masters come with a bursary.

Your son who studied to be a Dr - did you pay for his holidays while he was studying on his 5/6 year course? Has he got a much larger debt than younger son but a greater sense of paying his way?

I wouldn't pay for younger one unless you feel that overall its fair and you let the older one know what you're doing. Definitely don't give him the airfare money!

There's just ever such a hint that you feel your older child is always ok/fine whereas younger one needs more looking after. Is this what your dh is picking up on too?

LuaDipa · 28/08/2021 10:20

I would pay for both if you can.

My dm paid for dsis to go on holiday when she couldn’t afford it (I was invited but couldn’t make it). Dm and I arranged a hol with other relatives and unfortunately dsis couldn’t get time off work and dm paid for me on that occasion. I didn’t need the help and fully expected to pay my own way but she insisted it was only fair and I really appreciated the gesture. I did treat her to some dinners and theatre tickets as a thank you though.

Popitdontstopit · 28/08/2021 10:24

I see a holiday with parents as being led by the parents - to a place they are comfortable in, a hotel (or whatever) to their standard - ultimately I'd be wanting my dc to holiday with me as an adult for my benefit, not theirs, so I absolutely would pay for them (unless their earning outstrip mine to an embarrassing extent, I can only hope!)