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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pay for adult dc holiday?

50 replies

portalia · 28/08/2021 09:15

We are planning a family holiday to the Turks and Caicos islands having not been away for three years.

Both dh and I are teachers so earn an Ok salary but are stuck to school holidays. We have two adult dc.

Our son is a doctor, 26, and has paid for his own flight and is happy to pay his own food and accommodation.

Our other son is 23 and is doing a masters at university. He’s paid for his own flight using a voucher he had from a cancelled trip. But he’s asked if we can cover his food and hotel. He’ll share a room with his brother.

I think that’s fair, and actually thing dh and I should pay him back for his flight. He isn’t working so shouldn’t be expected to pay for a family holiday. His own holidays with mates have been to 2* dumps in magaluf

Our youngest is our ‘travel agent’ and is great at sorting hotel deals, flights, restaurant bookings etc. He’s taken over from me.

Dh thinks that he should pay his own way as he’s 23, but I think that we should pay. Aibu?

OP posts:

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 28/08/2021 10:27

I think as he paid for his flight with a voucher then that fair enough. He’s 23 not 13 and he should pay his own way as much as he can. However as he isn’t working I’d probably cover his food and accommodation.

Lucia574 · 28/08/2021 10:38

I’d pay for both. You’ve chosen the destination and it’s your jobs that limit it to school holidays - a more expensive time to travel. I’ll pay for my young adult children as long as they want to join us on holiday. They can fund their own trips with friends.

rothbury · 28/08/2021 10:41

I would pay for both. I take my two adult DC away regularly (pre covid) and always pay for everything.

PluggingAway · 28/08/2021 10:45

I wouldn't reimburse his flight since he's already paid but I would certainly pay for the hotel if I could afford to, and wanted to. If you're worried about it not being fair on the older child then pay for both DC's hotel. Problem solved.

FlumpsAreShit · 28/08/2021 10:51

I'd pay for both I think. Your eldest is quite young and therefore likely to be on under £45k and poss still saving for first property? And at 23 would have just started the brutal experience of being a junior doctor?

I think my view is clouded by my own experiences. My husband and I were very much 'sorted' by 24 - had bought first property through sweat and blood, had worked 50+ hours a week to get there and get comfortable. At 27 my SIL is still being subsidised (being bought cars, sent £1000 a month) because she's still 'finding herself' and it irks my DH who works his arse off but we are always told by his parents how lucky we are to be so comfortable not saying your youngest is just pissing around, and I do think you should pay for him, but if he always earns less that his older brother will you forever be subsidising or will it end when education ends and then everything will be equal? Because a hol in Turks and Caicos will likely be a month of DS1's take home pay and might not have been what he'd have chosen himself.

thing47 · 28/08/2021 13:47

Can't believe people saying they'd pay for both – older DS is a 26-year-old doctor for goodness sake. He's probably better off than his parents (decent money and no time to spend it)!

FWIW OP, we have similar scenario in terms of ages and life stages of DCs. We are paying accommodation costs for both, but eldest is paying for own flight. We'll buy food for the house and meals out when we're together but if the DCs want to go out on their own to a bar or club, that's on them.

Trisolaris · 28/08/2021 15:20

It depends on career choices etc but most 26 year olds are unlikely to be better off than their parents considering how expensive houses, student loans etc are.

All of my parents children have higher paying careers than them, but they were able to get on the property ladder younger and had no student debt whilst we spent our twenties saving every penny for a deposit.

PluggingAway · 29/08/2021 13:15

Can't believe people saying they'd pay for both – older DS is a 26-year-old doctor for goodness sake. He's probably better off than his parents (decent money and no time to spend it)!

He is possibly still doing foundation years, in which case he will be on quite a low salary and also have huge expenses in terms of exams and insurance, memberships etc.

When my DH was a 26 yr old doctor working for the NHS he was barely scraping by.

Givemethatknife · 29/08/2021 13:33

If he’s still a student and you can afford it that seems an OK split.

And the reality is - part paying for your adult kids is often the only way to get them to come on holidays with you, as they will naturally prioritise partners and friends.

leavesthataregreen · 29/08/2021 15:12

@thing47

Can't believe people saying they'd pay for both – older DS is a 26-year-old doctor for goodness sake. He's probably better off than his parents (decent money and no time to spend it)!

But the parents want the adult children to join them! I'd never assume DC will want to holiday with me now they are 18+ unless it's a freebie. They have friends and will eventually have partners to go with.

thing47 · 29/08/2021 15:58

Even in the foundation years the salary is around £30K. If you're barely scraping by on £30K, you must have a much more extravagant lifestyle than I do.

rockaround · 29/08/2021 17:16

I think you should pay for both younger ones.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/08/2021 17:33

Unless they’re working full time and earning, I’d pay - assuming I could afford to.
We have done in the past, because dds are good company and we felt like treating them.
A Dsis and BiL have twice taken their 2 married dcs and spouses, plus 4 Gdcs, on nice holidays, and paid for the lot.
Why not, if you can afford it, and they perhaps wouldn’t be able to, or would have other priorities for that sort of money?

Floralnomad · 29/08/2021 17:38

It depends how your family functions , in my family we would happily pay to pay for both of my adult children to accompany us on holiday .

Babyroobs · 29/08/2021 17:38

Yes we would absolutely pay.

BigGooseyLucy · 29/08/2021 17:40

Awwww if he's studying and can't afford it then I'd pay. How nice that both your children want to go away with you over the age of 16

Kite22 · 29/08/2021 17:47

Depends on finances of course - I'm not sure at what point Junior Drs start earning the big bucks they very much deserve - but, if any of my young adult dc want to come away with me, I would generally expect to pay for them.
We are now financially able to, and I remember what it was like being in my 20s and trying to prioritise money for things when we didn't have much. Of course, if you are still paying a whacking great mortgage or other costs, then it puts a different slant on it. I can only speak from what I'd like to do.

surreygirl1987 · 29/08/2021 18:02

I'd definitely pay if I could afford it. In fact, my husband and I will probably invite our sons on family holidays with us when they are adults and offer to pay for them... the alternative might be no family holidays! It's lovely you are all still going away together.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 29/08/2021 18:11

If they are sharing a room, can you cover half the room cost and 26yo pays the other half?

TrickyD · 29/08/2021 19:03

We always pay for our two sons’ holidays with us, plus the four grandchildren and sons’ DPs.

We can afford it and everyone gets on with each other, and family holidays are important to DH and me.

About three years ago on a thread with a similar theme I received some horrible posts telling me I was ‘infantilising’ my adult sons and rather than accompany us to the Caribbean, they should take their kids camping in the Lake District. This suggestion was not received well by any of the family.

In your position I would ignore DH and pay for them all, if you can afford it. One day they won’t want to come with you, make the most of their company while you can.

cloverleafy · 29/08/2021 19:32

I'd pay for their rooms if you can and let both boys cover their flights.

I come from a family where if we go away with my parents they are still subsidizing my sibling & I, plus spouses & children (use of their holiday home, extended family trip to Florida). As late teens and early 20 somethings we still had family holidays too, as well as doing things independently. We're lucky, but our parents are wealthy boomers and enjoy having us all together.

cloverleafy · 29/08/2021 19:35

Coming back to add - it's all so situation dependent. At the same time as having a Florida trip subsidised by my parents, if we went away with parents in law, we would be the ones paying a bigger share.

If you can afford it and would enjoy having him there, why not?

ShingleBeach · 29/08/2021 19:38

The most important thing is togetherness. Family holidays are gold. Doesn’t matter how old they are. Lovely, priceless level lovely, that they all want to be together with you on hol.

I would just pay.

namechangetheworld · 29/08/2021 19:45

If you can afford it, why not? DH and I are 36 and my parents still pay for us to go on a UK holiday with them every year. I'm currently a SAHM and they know we couldn't afford to take the children away otherwise. They really enjoy getting to spend the week with the grandchildren. We're incredibly grateful for this and will hopefully be able to spoil them in a similar fashion later on in life.

Maray1967 · 29/08/2021 19:46

We’re paying for DS1 who will be 22 but still a student when we holiday next year. He’ll chip in, pay for drinks etc but we’ll pay the cost of the cruise.

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