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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had a child that never took responsibility for what they did - did they ever?

37 replies

HurryUpAndWait23 · 27/08/2021 21:44

My 10 year old absolutely does not take responsibility for his actions.
He has ADHD and we are working consistently and have things in place to address this.

Im not asking for advice on his behaviour

What concerns me is that he will never grow out of it and become a teen and a man that gets in trouble with the law and never take responsibility for anything.

I realise I'm catastrophising but I really need to hear from others that children can grow out of this.

For a general back ground, he is 1 of 3, stable house hold, parents together, no family issues, school is ok etc

OP posts:
Gruesome2some · 27/08/2021 21:48

My DD is 10 and she struggles to take responsibility, it’s always someone else’s fault. I’m hopping she’ll grow out of it! In the meantime I make extra effort to model taking responsibility for my actions/mistakes.

drpaddington · 27/08/2021 21:51

My DS is 12 and has ADHD. Taking responsibility is a big issue for us. Everything is always someone else's fault.

I've noticed though that he has recently started to 'notice' when he's done something 'wrong'- could be something small like leaving an empty wrapper on his desk. I'll ask him to put it in the bin and he'll say 'oh yeah I forgot' and do it. In the past that simple instruction could have caused shouting- 'alright, I will, just leave me alone, I'll do it later!'- and of course he wouldn't do it later! Seems very basic, and it doesn't happen every time, but it's quite a big step. I don't know what made things change so I can't offer any advice, but just to say that it can potentially get better one day?!

Original poster
HurryUpAndWait23 · 27/08/2021 22:00

@drpaddington

My DS is 12 and has ADHD. Taking responsibility is a big issue for us. Everything is always someone else's fault.

I've noticed though that he has recently started to 'notice' when he's done something 'wrong'- could be something small like leaving an empty wrapper on his desk. I'll ask him to put it in the bin and he'll say 'oh yeah I forgot' and do it. In the past that simple instruction could have caused shouting- 'alright, I will, just leave me alone, I'll do it later!'- and of course he wouldn't do it later! Seems very basic, and it doesn't happen every time, but it's quite a big step. I don't know what made things change so I can't offer any advice, but just to say that it can potentially get better one day?!

That's a HUGE step! In the world of blaming others, and ADHD that's a huge leap and I can only hope that this is the future for us.

I stupidly watch a lot of real crime videos on YouTube. And so many are criminals just our weight denying things they have clearly SO clearly done.
And I keep thinking fuck - if he doesn't grow out of this, his future is bleak.

I don't think he will kill anyone of course!

But accountability effects your career, friendships, relationships and future. It seems like a small thing but it's so important and it's worrying me.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/08/2021 22:08

4 words for you:-

Donald Trump
Boris Johnson

Nayday · 27/08/2021 22:27

He can and will learn to, because he you as a caring parent have noticed it's a lagging skill and are teaching it. Having learned more around neurodiversity I have a (completely unbacked up by fact) that there are some people (probably mostly men) in prison as a result of undiagnosed ADHD etc seemingly 'going off the rails' from school and going from one increasingly bad decision to another. IMO this is preventative for many by these kids having their needs met in school and at home, and rather than being labelled 'naughty' being treated as non NT and taught coping skills. I have a DC with Sen and although there are many challenges it's clear that with lots of support they are coping better and learning and using skills. It makes me sad that I can see how without that support he could quite easily be negatively labelled.

Sundaymorningfiveninteen · 27/08/2021 22:54

Not my child but I do have the same worries about my own child. My brother came back from a life of near crime with no GCSEs. He got his degree and has a mind blowing career . In charge of hundreds of people. Million pound budgets ( maybe billions for all I know ) and about to retire in his fifties . He really did probe all of the steroids types wrong . FlowersFlowers

Sundaymorningfiveninteen · 27/08/2021 22:54

Prove . Not probe . Blush

Original poster
HurryUpAndWait23 · 27/08/2021 22:56

@Mumoftwoinprimary

4 words for you:-

Donald Trump
Boris Johnson

I had exactly did you get out of that?
OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 27/08/2021 22:57

He is one of the lucky ones with a parent dedicated to teaching him about accountability. He’s still so young. The children headed for trouble are those whose parents teach them that they are never wrong and that all problems are the fault of someone else.

Velvetap · 27/08/2021 22:57

Yes, have hope OP that children do grow out of this sort of thing. Maturity can bring big changes. Hang in there.

Original poster
HurryUpAndWait23 · 27/08/2021 22:59

@Sundaymorningfiveninteen

Not my child but I do have the same worries about my own child. My brother came back from a life of near crime with no GCSEs. He got his degree and has a mind blowing career . In charge of hundreds of people. Million pound budgets ( maybe billions for all I know ) and about to retire in his fifties . He really did probe all of the steroids types wrong . FlowersFlowers
Thank you.

I also left school with no GCSE's and currently being paid to do my third degree.

But I worry my son will be too far gone.

OP posts:
LolaButt · 27/08/2021 23:07

Mine is mid teens and it’s a constant cycle of communication. They mess up, have a little tantrum and then when they’re calm we discuss the issue and pinpoint the time when they could have taken responsibility to change the outcome.

I’m seeing a gradual improvement as it’s starting to sink in. Sometimes they will offer me an explanation and realise themselves where they could have taken responsibility without me asking. Which feels like progress!

For us, the key is to let the emotions calm. Sometimes that’s 5 minutes, other times it’s the next day.

LolaButt · 27/08/2021 23:09

I also find that repeating a million times that the conversation isn’t about blame, and admitting to messing up won’t be an additional punishment.

I’ve also been known to lessen the punishment if they take responsibility.

Wbeezer · 27/08/2021 23:14

My 23 year old with ADHD still reacts defensively in the heat of the moment when he makes a mistake, the difference now is that when he has calmed himself down he apologises voluntarily. This makes a big difference to me.
I remember being told that children with ASD and to some extent ADHD too have an enotional and social developmental age that's 2/3 there chronological age, it always seemed about right to me and helped me be patient.

longerevenings · 27/08/2021 23:17

OP he is only 10, he has plenty of development time left.
Our ADHD teen does still struggle with this in the moment under stress ( and it still drives me nuts)
But once the moment has passed he is able to apologize and work on better strategies for next time.
We are getting there, just slowly.

longerevenings · 27/08/2021 23:18

He will also apologize without any prompting now.

BlackeyedSusan · 27/08/2021 23:33

Began to at age 12. ND. Not there yet so will read others' experiences.

justasking111 · 27/08/2021 23:35

2out of 3 DS have this problem. University sorted it out. Eldest had a little book with a band on it, took to writing important things down as a memory aid. He bought one for his baby brother when he went. OH has to write things down to. They all say it helps things to stick in their mind

megletthesecond · 27/08/2021 23:41

I wonder this. 12yr old DD doesn't have a clue, her first year of secondary has been awful.
The more I try and get her to do it the more sensible her older brother gets. It rubs off on the child that doesn't need it.

RoseMartha · 27/08/2021 23:53

Dd 14 with asd struggles with this also.
Hit me today in the face. Told me it was my fault as I didnt do as she demanded. An unreasonable demand to say the least. But refused to take any responsibility for it.

She always believes it is someone else's fault.

I too wonder if it will get any better.
Sending a 🤗

herculesoffline · 27/08/2021 23:57

If he "messes up" and tells the truth, does he get told off worse than if he lied?

I always struggle with this because as a child, I left a wrapper somewhere (as per PP) because I genuinely forgot, my mum would likely pick it up and shout/scream at me about it and then throw it away herself no chance for me to actually be accountable!

SnarkyBag · 27/08/2021 23:59

It’s a really tough one. I use a lot of social thinking resources such as social detective, super flex to work on this sort of thing. Doesn’t work miracles but plants the seed by looking at things in a more removed way rather than always focusing on what they’re doing/not doing in the moment.

Inthesameboat22 · 28/08/2021 00:01

Hasn't got better with my 19yo. Everything is always someone else's fault. Have to keep hoping it will eventually 🙏🏻

SnarkyBag · 28/08/2021 00:05

Also make our own comic strips with ds to unpick incidents and talk over who did what and who caused what. Sometimes he has a light bulb moment and can see where he went wrong in the story. It’s sodding exhausting but alas ranting at him like I would my older child for misdemeanours just doesn’t work!